ughhh, yeah. exactly what the title says.
i had a pretty good day, all things considered. today (or i guess yesterday, seeing as it’s 1am) was my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend. we’re long distance though, so we couldn’t spend it together in person but we still made it work, and i had a great time even if it didn’t quite go as we planned.
but as always, at night is where i spiral. and it’s so much worse after i had a good day, almost like coming down from a high and just feeling absolutely miserable. and i guess today was my breaking point and i cut again.
i was 3 days from 2 years clean. but if i’m honest, i can’t quite find it in me to care? i don’t really feel much at all about this. aside from a little leftover panic, because the bleeding wouldn’t stop. but i think i’m okay now. i hope, anyway.
i’ll stay up a little longer, maybe like an hour or so, to see if the bleeding truly stopped. i told myself, and promised a friend, that if it does pick up again, i’d go wake up my mother. though i really wish that i won’t need to.
but if i got anything out of this, it’s that relapsing honestly isn’t worth it anymore for me. it’s just unnecessary stress, so maybe this will just have been a one time thing.
Hey @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease thanks for reaching out that is super strong of you to do that! I am proud of the fact that you gave it your all to be that successful being clean that long in the first place. Obviously your safety and well being is very important and I am sure your BF would want that as well. We ALL mess up and fall down. The come back can be awesome though. I believe in you and I truly think that if you dig deep enough you will find that inner strength that you need to do even more than your first record time clean. Many people struggle out here, but I believe in you! Keep your head up and try to focus on the good you have in your life and the people that truly love you and how important you are to them. Even though they may not tell you everyday you would be supervised when asked how much you mean to them you just being you.
Congratulations for having made it for so long without SH. That suggests to me that you really have developed alternative coping strategies, even though, in this one instance, something triggered a relapse.
I admire your thought process which led you to conclude that relapsing isn’t worth it. That also is an indication that you have developed more effective coping strategies.
This may be the first time in which a relapse has enabled you to understand that it’s an experience that you no longer need or can benefit from.
I won’t go into details, but I managed to turn away from a long time habit. Then a few years later, I tried to start back, only to realize how frustrating and unfulfilling it was. That final attempt to reengage with the habit was all it took for me to be virtually certain that I would never try it again. That was in 1986. I haven’t done it since
Hey there, @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease
It seemslikryou’re going through a pretty rough time at the moment, so sorry to hear this. However, on a more positive note, congratulations on the 1 year anniversary with your boyfriend!! This is fantastic stuff and I hope you will both take time to celebrate such a joyous moment, especially given the distance. The strong connection is evident, and that alone is worth celebrating
I do think it’s worth acknowledging the strength it takes to share your feelings and experiences so openly. Dealing with the aftermath of self-harm is never easy. It’s okay to feel guilty, upset and frustrated at yourself - that shows that you are only human and that relapses are inevitable.
Recognising the impact that relapses have on you is good. As is recognising the toll it takes on your mental wellbeing. Taking some time to reflect on this and asking yourself “Does this allign with my goals?” is positive. You’ve demonstrated that it is possible to stay clean, because you did so for 2 years. The relapse recently does not cloud over that progress.
Slow and steady wins the race. Make sure you take each day as it comes. Try not to worry about what is to come.
Remember, it’s okay to lean on others for support, and seeking professional guidance can be a valuable resource in your journey. Your well-being matters, and you deserve understanding and care always