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I relapsed

its been 3 years. the last time i self harmed was june 3rd 2017. i thought i was strong. i thought i was better than it. i thought i conquered it. but i wasnt enough. it beat me. i have lots going on right now. i work 28 hours a week, which to me feels like so much, but to others, it really isnt much. i feel like ill never be enough. i cant work 40 hours a week, because im weak. im spoiled and cant work for my own good. i feel like im not good enough for my partner. theyre getting a major in college, and i dont have a degree, all i do is work without a diploma. theyre going to chile, im sitting in minnesota working an overnight job. theyre smarter than me. they have more potential than me. they could do so much better than me, but they refuse to leave me. i dont understand it. they could be dating someone else in college who has eyes on their future and a plan to move forward with their life, but they chose me. i dont get it. i feel like i make everything about me, and everything they have issues with, i turn it around and take away from it. theres many things that i keep to myself because i dont wanna make it about myself. i hide my emotions cuz all their last partner did was take away from their pain and make it about him. i dont wanna be that guy, but i cant help but feeling like i am. im so stuck and i dont know what to do. im sorry.

song helping me currently

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@RamJamNutslam that song is awesome! Dude 40 hours is way too much even if you love your job but thats my opinion. Your girlfriend likes you for you so just keep on Living brother! Best of luck!

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@RamJamNutslam

You are strong friend and a relapse will never question that. I hear your disappointment. I understand. But you are not a failure because of a relapse. It doesn’t mean that it’s the end of your progress and or that it’s gonna be the same as before either. 3 years off self harm is incredibly awesome. This is what you achieved. You won’t ever lose that. You proved to yourself and to this world that you can do it. You’ll get back on your feet. I believe in you.

When you relapse in a old habit, it’s important to understand why. You already described what’s going on in your life right now and yes, objectively, it’s a lot. It’s not about you being enough or not, being weak or not. Working 40hours a week would be way too much. Just because it’s insanely hard to handle a rhythm of work like that. We all need to rest in a week, moments to breath and do something different than working. And there’s no job on earth that would be worth to burn yourself.

You are enough for your partner, for the very reason that you are you and they chose you, not anyone else. You compare yourself to others and conclude that you’re less [insert what you want here] than them. But comparision often leads us to the wrong conclusion. I get that. We all compare ourselves to others, especially when we’re struggling with self-confidence. But you are smart enough. Having a diploma or not, being able to work 28hrs or 40hrs a week, doesn’t change anything. I’ve personnally met people with and without diplomas who are incredibly dumb. People with and without diplomas who are genuinely smart. What is important is the love between you and your partner. Because when you’re full of doubts and fears about yourself, about the future, you can hang on to this love, which remains true and real no matter what.

You are loved. You are unique and precious in every way. Your are a present to this world because you are you. Please don’t forget that. :heart:

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