Yes, it is so hard to feel like you are waking up everyday to a life that seems to be about walking through the same circle, over and over. Rise, rinse and repeat, as if none of what was familiar and source of joy to you in the past was meaningful anymore. It’s like your world, as you used to know it, completely changed over time and you end up asking yourself: how did it all come down to this? How did it happen? And how can I initiate change into something that feels incredibly overwhelming already? Is it even possible?
I can only imagine the heaviness and exhaustion you’ve been carrying these days. This dreading feeling that you’re not living the live you desire, while at the same time it feels like having no choice but to keep going through the motions. It’s almost as if life was taking control over you, of your heart and soul, and you don’t remember how to start governing your own life again, how to regain some sense of ownership. It’s exhausting when life seems to keep going in front of your eyes as if it was an accident happening in slow motion, while feeling there’s no voice left to scream and prevent from the danger.
It makes sense really that, in the midst of this, you need to retreat someohw and re-create a world in which you’d feel more in control, desired, and away at least emotionally from all the things that are worrying and burdening you. It’s brutal to feel like you are a stranger in your own home. That people don’t see you, don’t see all the things you do, and don’t consider it with more respect or care. That the person you love is also seemingly lost in their own routines and worries, that you’d be somehow living together but alsoseparately. You try and keep doing your best to check all the boxes that are listed on your to do list, but at the end of the day it leaves you with questioning all of it. And in light of how much it hurts, it feels better to avoid it all together and escape.
It takes a lot of strength to name things as you did here, especially when it’s about how dissatisfied we feel with our current daily life. It’s not a comfortable exercise, on that takes a serious amount of humility and vulnerability. I think unfortunately that this is a breaking point that many of us reach at some point in their life, and even though it feels particularly muddy, discouraging and dark while we’re in the midst of it, it can also hold a transformative power in the long run. A “dark night of the soul” as one would say, where there is hope to unfold, even if it seems to be particularly hidden somewhere we can’t see it. This is such a tough place to be in, and I hope with all my heart that you’ll find your way, at your own pace and through little steps, towards a transformation that would make life and relationships more fulfilling than it is now. Hold fast, friend. 