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I ruined my life

Hi, I’ve struggling with life since I lost my grandfather and my brother. I developed depression and I’m also bipolar. I been having a hard time since I came to the U.S and I’ve been asking for help. This past week I met a girl who seemed nice to me, she told she was 16, I’m 19. She invited me to her house this past Saturday and I accepted. I went to her house because I needed company, I needed to talk to someone and let my thoughts out. We ended up having sex for some reason… I didn’t wanted that but I accepted after all, while we were doing it I couldn’t stop feeling weird and guilty for some reason. After 20 minutes or something her dad shows up and he found us having sex in her bed, he got mad crazy and he told me to get out of his house. I did it and when I was about to leave he punch me in the head making a cut in my eyebrow. I didn’t feel pain because I was still shock for what happened, I grabbed my bike and I when home. It wasn’t until I was about to reach it that I realized what happened. After that my dad took me to the police and they grabbed my stuff for me. I cannot stop feeling empty and used, I cannot stop feeling like trash and guilty. I want this feeling to stop and I cannot do anything about… when I remember everything I start shaking and I close my eyes pretending that it never happened. I know it was my fault but still I never wanted anything bad to happen… I used this site because my parents don’t believe in mental illnesses
I feel that I ruined my life…
I’m afraid of going to school because I’m afraid of people and I hate when I have to give explanation and I hate dealing with those smart ass kids that think they are cool.


Dude this is brutal…to feel like you “woke up” out of this fog and look back at your life and realize this MASSIVE regret that you have…gosh, dude, that sucks so bad…to feel like there’s something irreversible that happened to you, even worse that you did, that you can’t take back…to feel like your heart wasn’t intending to do it, that it wasn’t what you would have done in a sane mind, like it wasn’t even what you thought you were doing in the moment, and then to wake up and have all of the regret and shame and disappointment flood in…good night, man, that’s awful. I’m sorry you’re facing this massive hole in your life at your own hands that you didn’t realize you made. Brutal…and then to feel like the shame is going to follow you to school? Like people are going to make fun of you for it? Like they’re going to look down on you even worse? Gosh, man…tough spot you’re in. Thanks for sharing about it.

I have had two moments in my life where I did something that I regretted and that I could never take back…and man, I know at least a similar feeling…it sucks so bad. I’m glad you posted here so that you don’t have to believe the lie that you’re alone in this…you’re definitely not.