I really fucked up this time. It’s been over a year since I’ve had to ask for help. It’s been over a year since i even thought about self harm. I was doing so good. I don’t know what happened. I relapsed after over a year of being clean. I was happy with my life finally. I even came to terms with my sister’s death. It’s been almost two years since we lost her tho and that may be why. Things always get harder when her death date gets closer. I really messed up. I’ve been drinking a lot this time too and taking pills, along with the cutting. I just don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I want it all to go away. I can’t live like this again. My family thinks I’m doing so great and i just can’t tell them that I’m getting bad again.
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It’s been almost two years since we lost her tho and that may be why. Things always get harder when her death date gets closer.
Yes, @Bandfreak03, these “anniversaries” can be very painful. Whenever the calendar gets close to the day my brother passed away, or to his birthday, I know in advance that it’s going to be difficult, that my body and my mind are going to react in ways I won’t control. It helps to identify when there’s a trigger like this, because over time you accept more that these seasons are like swimming in troubled waters, but also that ultimately things will be a little more calm again.
I’m so very sorry that you are going through a rough time. Know that how you feel is valid. I understand how much it can be frustrating and disappointing to relapse while it seemed that everything was okay. It’s okay to forgive yourself though. There are circumstances right now that are objectively heavy. Some wounds were reopened. Take all the time you need to process what happened and to rest. It’s okay to slow down during these kind of moments. We don’t have to function the same way we do the rest of the year.
I’m sending hugs your way. Please be gentle with yourself, friend. You are hurting. You need as much love and compassion as possible right now. This is another hurdle to learn to compose with. You are not moving backwards. 
From: Ashley- (Discord)
Hi friend! Thank you so much for sharing. Dealing with grief is incredibly hard and the anniversaries of losing someone are never easy. When it gets close to the day that my best friend passed away or his birthday, I’m almost always a wreck. It takes some time to learn how to deal with those triggers. Some times it helps to celebrate the person in a way that’s also gonna help us heal. Like this year for my friends birthday I’m gonna make a pizza because it was his favorite food. Sometimes I watch the anime that we loved. I do whatever I can to keep his memory alive. But if you’re not ready for that, that’s okay too. Grief is a process and a long one. Some years its going to be easy, and some years its going to be hard. You have to give yourself time to heal and forgive yourself. Relapses happen, forgive yourself, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself some time to clear your head. Things are heavy right now and they hurt, but it won’t always be that way. I’m sending a lot of love your way and I hope you know how much you matter. <3
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From: bbrandon3 (Discord)
Hey friend, thank you so much for being here and sharing because that takes so much strength. I’m so glad that you are here. I want to commend you for reaching out here for help because that is a great first step that can be so challenging. I’m so sorry to hear about everything that you are going through because that sounds like a lot. I haven’t experienced what you are going through, but I do know what it’s like to fall into a vicious cycle of doing something that I don’t want to do and then feeling guilty about it. It can feel endless and hard to get out of, so would encourage you to show yourself some love because what you are going through is extremely difficult. Again, thank you for being here and I really hope that you can get back to that happy place in life
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