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I seem to seek partnerships with people that have the qualities that bothered me most about my parents. I think I do this so that I figure why it bothers me so much, mostly about how I react to certain controlling behavior. I hate the idea of being controlled but out of respect I will let someone have power over me by not fighting for an equal share, but I am finding that those types of people are showing me how schizphrenic my father was and no one in my family really acknowledged it. Howevr now I am in a relationship with a schizophrenic person but they are getting better. But am I?
It’s always interesting, and certainly healing in the long run, to try to understand why we might be attracted by people who have similar behaviors, similar ways to be with others and in this world. As you’ve said, it might be a way, unconscious or not, to figure out things that have been left unanswered with your own parents. At least, as we grow up, we learn how to be in relational with others, and our parents definitely have a huge influence on the way it is for us to be in a relationship as adults.
On the subject of hating being controlled but also allowing it, it is possible that it is something you’ve learned in order to survive in this world. Maybe, and this is just an hypothesis, you have learned as a child, implicitly, that being controlled was safer than standing up for yourself. That somehow, it helped appease situations, to bring peace amidst chaos or uncertainty. As an adult now, you acknowledge how much this doesn’t fit with who you are or what you want in a relationship though, and this awareness can be a strength in moving towards building relationships where you would be valued for who you are, where your voice could be heard.
Many times I’ve seen myself having similar behaviors as my mom, who was submissive to my dad. There was abuse and instability at home, so it was certainly not the healthiest place to learn what a loving relationship is. But somehow it also gave me a counter-example of what I don’t want in life or out of a relationship, and it has been a huge asset for me to heal and grow, with the help of a therapist. We learn patterns and way to be into this world, but as adults we can also un-learn them, sometimes with external help too.
The fact that you are aware of these dynamics at play and the fact that it doesn’t match with who you are, is an invaluable perspective. It shows that you are not just living these patterns or enduring them, you also have a foot outside of it. There is true potential for healing there, for growth in your relationships too. There is hope.
