As I told you last time I met this girl on my ride to school last week, and I’ve been thinking about the episode since then. I’ve thought about what to do and ended up doing absolutely nothing: I didn’t text her, I didn’t try to catch up in any way, and that’s all because I feel insecure. I’m not insecure about myself: I know I’m a pretty handsome guy, I know I’m funny and interesting…it’s just that I’m afraid of getting closer. I’ve been in a lot of relationships and i just don’t think I’m a good boyfriend. I tend to give 100% of myself in a relationship, and that always lead to people to walk away. Even if I was one of the most popular guys in high school, I don’t have many friends and I feel that girls can get nothing more than a pretty face from me. I’m looking for a serious relationship now (after too many meaningless hookups), but I feel like I’m not worth one. I’m afraid I can’t be enough for anyone. I’m afraid I’ll always be the good friend for people, but I’m not someone who’s worth settling down with.
I also met some other people (nice people also), but I’m just afraid I’m not someone worth keeping in the long run. I barely go out on weekends now, and it sucks as I used to always be out 2-3 years ago. Since then although, I never go out with someone, and I’m always alone. Don’t get me wrong; I always ask and suggest fun stuff to do, but everyone seems to have no time for me.
On top of that, New Year’s Eve is approaching and I still have no plans for that. I know I’m early, but everyone’s organising their parties and I’m here knowing that I’ll be spending another year playing FIFA alone or watching a movie. I lost my old group of friends since my ex argued with them all, and now I have no one to organise something with. All of my friends will be far from where I live and I probably won’t have the possibility to go with them, because even if I try to get involved, no one ever sends an invite.
I just don’t know what to do. The fun fact is that my life is going great right now, but even if I learned how to live alone, it doesn’t mean I always want to be. All of my friends say I’m gonna do great things in the future, that I will be someone who will be remembered, but even if that would be great (honestly, who wouldn’t want that) I just want someone to hang out with and spend nights together. Someone to bring to Disneyland or to the beach during winter, someone to kiss, feel, and fall in love with. I’ve been in love with a girl just twice, and I can’t find someone to make me feel the same things. It just feel pointless to have all these things to share and no one to share them with. I’ve got a lot of love to give, and no one seems to want it. At the same time, I’m so afraid of loving someone.
Sorry for the long post, but i needed to let my thoughts out. Thanks in advance to everyone replying.