I should be dead

Yesterday was the first OK day I’ve had in a while but towards the later half of the evening things started to go downhill. I relapsed at the start of this week with my cutting - a bad one for that. I didn’t want to admit it because I hate disappointing people and letting those I love down. Thing is… I finally reached out to my best friend, who a few years ago talked me down from a suicide attempt. She’s been there for me ever since but recently been more and more distant, but today she was completely different. She knows how much I struggle to speak out and trust others, yet proceeded to tell me I’m an attention seeker, that if I’m going to cut myself to do it properly, if I really meant it I would do it on my upper arm where no one would see when I told her my situation. All of this was already hard enough to accept but now I’ve been told by my boss I will be moved off of my department until further notice - I have no say. I dont know what to do. I get the strength to reach out to the only person I have around me and this is what I get. I felt pretty good going in this morning but now I just don’t know how to feel. Maybe I should stop trying. Maybe she’s right - I am an attention seeker. I wish she had never stopped me from overdosing that night. If it had worked I wouldn’t have to put everyone through the misery of being a part of my life. I wouldn’t have to keep fighting a losing battle. I would be free. Whenever I start to believe I can fight - I get brought back to the reality that I’m weak and do not deserve to be here. No one would notice my absence if I did end it today.

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Hi Kayla

I am so sorry you’re going through this right now… I know how hard it is to trust people, I really don’t know why your friend would be so harsh towards you, I’m trying to rationalize the situation and all I could assume is that maybe she was using reverse psychology on you… maybe tough love… but her approach was very rude and insensitive anyways remember you can always find support on this forum… we’re here for you… I am here for you… please remember you are important and greatly loved… if anything were to happen to you… you would just be passing the pain onto someone else, so please try to stop with the self harm… I genuinely care about you… everything will be okay… you’re way stronger than this! I believe in you and I’ve also noticed that you’ve been replying and helping so many people on this support forum which reinforces how special and valuable you are… So please please please just hang in there… love you always!

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Oh I also wanted to say don’t worry about what your friend said…please focus on your recovery… we’re here for you!

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Hey Kayla
You don’t disappoint. You can’t possibly do that. Im so sorry you felt like cutting was necesary, I hope you take good care of yourself today, be gentle on yourself. As for this friend of yours. NO. NO. NO. That is not something anyone should say to anyone. If it is the way she says, EVERYONE would be an attention seeker. And to be fair, humans live in packs, we need love and care so in part she is right, but she is so so wrong. Listen to people who love and care about you not people who spread negativity and blame in your life.
Im excited to be your friend. I would do anythign to keep you here with us. You are strong. You are courageous. You would be missed. Dearly.
Im here for you. Message me instead, message anyone. We will always hear you and love you

Stay strong

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My dear dear friend Kayla,

First off, I freakin love you and I am so so proud of you for reaching out.

It was very wrong what this person did.

Friend if you were gone I would notice your absence, I would miss you, Dan would miss you, Pales would miss you, SO MANY would notice and so deeply miss you.

I know it’s hard but friend I know you have it in you to keep fighting. We are here for you and we love you.

Friend you are so important to me, you are there when I’m at my lowest and you mean the world to me. We are here for you just like you have been here for us.

Love you friend, hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (your old pal Blurryface)

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Dear Kayla
I just want to say 2 things 1.) Thanks for giving me advice on how to help my friend and 2.) Sometimes i feel the same way but on way to stop yourself from feeling that way is to be around the people you love and do the things you love because that will help you fell better
Sincerely, Shadow

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I suggest this song, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uOi4mO4xLBo


Kayla, you are an amazing person inside and out. You are the girl who is helping everyone around here. Please do not harm yourself anymore. I think everyone at least here and I am sure in real life as well would notice and deeply miss you. I am here for you so please stop cutting yourself.

Yesterday I was watching this movie called Franklyn (2011) and there it was this character that kept wanting to die so someone tells her something like " It is not about the people you know, it is about the people you have not met yet." By trying to end things you disable any possibility for a future than can be so much better than the present moment. Please think about that future- a happy one that you truly deserve.

I am here for you. All love,

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Hey Kayla, if I were you I would not talk to that friend. It seems she’s trying to bring you down, if anything is trying to grab attention herself. I’m sorry you had to hear that and go through that. Disappointment is an emotion, and even if you were to disappoint (which god damn, you’re doing well kid. you’re so strong) disappointment is temporary.
You are incredibly strong for going here. You don’t disappoint in the least bit, im proud of you for coming here to talk. A coping skill i’ve learned for self harm is freezing face towels, wash cloths, and paper towels after coating them in water and using that to apply wherever you want to self harm. It does no damage to your skin or body but it gives off a similar sensation. I actively use this whenever I have struggles and want to cut. The world would be a smaller, sadder, place without you. I’m sure you will one day, it might be tomorrow, it might be 10 years from now, will look at this place and be happy you were here. The world needs you, and you have a purpose friend.


I’m not exactly in a place to offer advice. But know this - your friend is in the wrong. I need you to stay strong. I know the pain well of relapsing into self harm - its a beast. But in recovery, there will be stumbles - and I hope it is only that - and that you find your footing once more. Know that even though I don’t know you personally, I am sending you my love. You’ve got this. You’re precious, and you may not know it, but there is someone who’s life you’ve touched. I know it’s a cliche saying, but it’s true. We don’t go through this life without leaving a positive impact on at least one soul.

<3 Tara

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Hey @Kayla,

Your friend is SO wrong. You are NOT an attention seeker. Please don’t listen to her; she’s only spewing words of death over you - please hold onto the words of life that you’ve so elegantly shared with so many other people who have posted on the HeartSupport wall.

This is a huge lie. So, so many people will notice your absence and would miss you SO much. I didn’t know how many people actually cared for me until after I burst-fractured my lower spine and was sent to the hospital for urgent surgery; people came out of the woodwork to express their care and sympathy toward me. I guarantee you people would do the same with you if anything happened to you. Please hold on. You’re cared for and we love you.


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