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I should have taken her call

I’m struggling incredibly badly with losing Plurbunnies/Alilkatiekat. She was like a little sister to me. She told me she was struggling, so I flew to Florida the following day to spend time with her. I spent 12 hours a day on calls with her while she was having nightmares because it made her feel safe.
We had so much fun together.
We spoke twice on Sunday afternoon, and we planned to save up and go to Disney together next year… We were going to get back to gaming together too.
She called me a 3rd time on Sunday night, but it was already 10pm for me, and I had to be up at 5am + I took an early night on my meds, so I ignored the call… She hadn’t text me to say she needed me to answer, and she gave no signs on our phone call that she was going to hurt herself… Howver I can’t stop thinking that if I had taken her call, or text her before work, maybe she would still be here. I know that she was sick, and I know that I couldn’t have known, but looking back… Even though none of the texts or conversations indicated she was in danger… I can’t help but see things that COULD have been indicators.

Every time I close my eyes I just picture her. It hurts so much. But my eyes are burning from not sleeping. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m angry, upset, confused and so many other things… but also just going through phases of numbness. My head is trying to tell me it’s not real. I don’t want to believe it.

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my dearest friend i am so sorry this is so hard. Ugh I wish it was a simple answer to tell you. Grieve is extremely important. But also know beating yourself up isn’t going to change anything. I know that seems stupid in words but what I know is Katie loved you. She cared more about you than you may realize. I can not answer for her but I can say this take the good she showed you and live by it. This pain maybe hard and let me say it is hard. Loosing anyone is beyond painful. But that doesnt change that you are supported.

I really want you to know you are loved kayla. I am here. You truly were a big impact on her life.

Love ash

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I’m so sorry Kayla. This was not your fault, don’t put blame on yourself, you don’t deserve it.

You’re not alone in this; much love to you, please continue to reach out and heal.

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Im so sorry you have to go through this. Im so sorry for your loss. I truly hope for your recovery.

I understand just how hard dealing with this is. We lost our grandfather (my mother’s dad) 12 years ago. He suffered a heart attack while he was at work. He called my mother while she was on an interview for work, so she took the call and told him that she would call him back when she’s done. However, when she was done, he had already been unconscious for some minutes.

She couldn’t believe that he died. She would see him in her dreams and tell us that he’s still with us. It still haunts her sometimes. She looks composed most of the time, but whenever she gets a little bit vulnerable, she cries saying that it was all her fault and I have to stop her from harming herself. She says that she could’ve prevented that from happening and that if she were more conscious about his health problems, he would still be with us.

In this situation, it is never somebody’s fault. There was no way of knowing and predicting what would happen. Life is as random as it can be, sadly. Sending you a lot of virtual hugs and strength :heart:

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I didn’t know her, but this really hurts to hear.

I’m sorry for your loss.

But like @Lysssaid, it isn’t your fault.

You did so much for her! You flew across the Atlantic to be there for her! You were a good friend to her, you cared, and you listened as well as you could.

Again, this isn’t your fault. Remember, you are not a failure. You loved her with everything you had to give, and in the same way you love the other people on HeartSupport and touch our lives, including mine. You are a beautiful, caring person and a positive influence on those around you.

We love you. I love you. I’m so sorry this happened. Please lean on us as much as you need to.

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In the end, we are all human. I can’t express how sorry I am for the loss you’re dealing with. I know how bad it hurts, and I wish I could help ease that pain for you. This is not your fault. I know it’s easier to hear that than it is to believe it. But my hope is that at some point, you can let that in and heal.

Let me know if you need anything.

Much love, Tara

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sorry for your loss and deep sadness. please don’t blame yourself in any way

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Heya @Kayla Sorry for the late reply.

But I have felt this guilt also.

As I’ve spoken to you one on one there’s a friend of mine that has attempted before and there’s one night where she called me 26 times in total, to just say goodbye. Honestly my heart hurts, as what if she had died while I slept. Luckily her then best friend called 911 and let me know what happened, but did that make the pain go away? Not at all.

I still have that voicemail from her and it hurts me listening to it.

But know it’s not your fault sis.