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I Shouldn't Feel Hopeless, But

I’m feeling fairly lost and miserable as of late and I’ve spent a long time now trying to unpack the thoughts in my head. I don’t really know how to describe it, but I feel like if you divided up my life into pieces, only one of those pieces seems to have anything good happening at all. That one piece is my school - I am studying for my Ph.D. and, so far, things have been going fairly well. Everything else has not.

I’ve had a few friends over the years take their own lives, my parents are divorced, a lot of my friends either moved away or went off the deep end years ago. In terms of friendships and relationships, I’m pretty much alone. Tried to get involved with my local church, didn’t really connect with anyone over the last year or so. Hard to connect with anyone in my academic program, our similarities begin and end with classes and research and that’s it. I chat with my parents weekly over the phone but after all of the hell they’ve had to deal with, I can’t bring myself to tell them that I’m not doing alright.

Worse, I’m perpetually tired, distracted, demotivated, and lost in my own head. It’s becoming harder and harder to focus on coursework, day-to-day tasks, and staying in that mindset. I’d like to think I’m getting better at limiting social media use, but I haven’t seen any dramatic changes in mood or focus so I don’t know. I spent a lot of time chatting with online friends, but even that is starting to cut into time I should be working.

Maybe I’m depressed, maybe I have an attention deficit disorder, maybe I’m past my breaking point, I just don’t know. I do know that I’m not focused, I battle with lust and inappropriate content across social media, I feel like my mood is affecting my health and/or vice versa, and I feel like I’m just in a downhill spiral.

I should mention that I am a believer in Jesus Christ and while I trust that He will one day make all things right, I have a hard time accepting, from here until the day I die and go to be with Him, that anything in this life has any hope of getting better. Verses about how He gives and takes away, and how we will have trouble in this world make me wish He’d just stop giving already so the taking-away part would hurt a whole lot less in comparison. At this point I’m just trying to focus on school and shove all the other crap aside, as unhealthy as I know that is. It’s the only way I know to keep my sanity. I’ll settle for even just one small thing changing, if it means I can get out of this cycle.

Cmm,

It sucks to feel like you’re watching a hurricane blow so much of your life around…like there’s nothing you can hold onto, stick your hat on, say “ahh, I’m safe here or because of this”.

But I think that might actually be the point…

If you’re looking for something “out there” to help what’s going on inside of you, you’re always going to feel whipped about.

Jesus is always after your heart. Where is it?

Seems like it’s looking for a safe place to land. And the places it’s looking are always shifting, never steady, never safe.

Where can you land your heart where it can be tended to, cared for? Because it is the wellspring of your life. Success won’t pour life forth from you. Take a look at all the “successful” people who have nothing but misery to keep them company. Your heart is the epicenter of your life, not your pedigree of accomplishments.

Shift focus there. You are worth it.

-Nate

Nate,

Thanks for the kind words.

Honestly, I don’t think I know where my heart is anymore, and I don’t know where it’s supposed to land. I know the answer revolves around Jesus, but I can’t say I know what that looks like. There was a time years ago where I would have said I felt really close to Him, but that was also a time where things were a lot more stable in my life and there were a whole lot less disasters. The hurricane makes it hard to know what needs to happen to “land” my heart where it can be tended/cared.