I shouldn’t feel this way. I was never abused per se. I have good health. I have all my limbs. I’m educated. I can take care of myself. But I don’t understand…
See I was raised a certain way. It was a simple formula- If you do x, y, and z, then God will bless you. Don’t steal. Don’t lie. Be a good person. Don’t have sex before you’re married. Be modest. Life a life that would please him. And so that’s what I did. And I knew that God would bless me with a good life, a loving husband, a family, all that. And so I waited. And Waited. And waited. I kept busy. I started college. I finished college. I got a career. Oh, maybe I’m a late bloomer. But that’s okay, I’ll be blessed. God will send someone to love me, a partner in crime, a co-pilot.
And so I waited. And this crap theology, this delusion started to crumble. Because no one came. No one fell in love with me. My friends got married. My friends had kids. My friends lived life. And then there was me.
I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be happy. Look at all I have, people say. Look how successful you are, they rave. People have had really hard lives, I’ve had it easy. Right?
Do you know what it’s like to tell people that you’re THIRTY-Something years old and you’ve never even been kissed? Do you know how it feels to listen to the “all in God’s time” bull crap? Do you know what it’s like to feel so alone that you can feel your heart and soul crushing under the weight of depression. What is wrong with me? If I JUST had the answer to that! I could fix it. I could change. What is it? Is it my face? My voice? How I carry myself? Am I too opinionated? Why am I not good enough?
And that little kid inside of me says, “What did I do to make God mad?”
And the thing that scares me worst than dying alone, is actually finding someone. How do I explain to a grown man that I will flinch under his touch because it is so foreign to me? How do I say, 'I’m sorry, I’ve never kissed anyone before"? How pathetic is that? How sad is that?
My brain is my best enemy. Sometimes it creates these elaborate scenarios for me to live in my head- where I’m the hero, and am loved and all that. But sometimes it reminds me of everything I’m not, everything I cant, everything I don’t have.
I want to get to a place of being numb. Oh I want that so bad. To not have to fake it. To just not feel nothing. No pain/no happy. No nothing. Just nothing. Like floating.Just free.