I Shouldn't feel this way

I shouldn’t feel this way. I was never abused per se. I have good health. I have all my limbs. I’m educated. I can take care of myself. But I don’t understand…

See I was raised a certain way. It was a simple formula- If you do x, y, and z, then God will bless you. Don’t steal. Don’t lie. Be a good person. Don’t have sex before you’re married. Be modest. Life a life that would please him. And so that’s what I did. And I knew that God would bless me with a good life, a loving husband, a family, all that. And so I waited. And Waited. And waited. I kept busy. I started college. I finished college. I got a career. Oh, maybe I’m a late bloomer. But that’s okay, I’ll be blessed. God will send someone to love me, a partner in crime, a co-pilot.

And so I waited. And this crap theology, this delusion started to crumble. Because no one came. No one fell in love with me. My friends got married. My friends had kids. My friends lived life. And then there was me.

I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be happy. Look at all I have, people say. Look how successful you are, they rave. People have had really hard lives, I’ve had it easy. Right?

Do you know what it’s like to tell people that you’re THIRTY-Something years old and you’ve never even been kissed? Do you know how it feels to listen to the “all in God’s time” bull crap? Do you know what it’s like to feel so alone that you can feel your heart and soul crushing under the weight of depression. What is wrong with me? If I JUST had the answer to that! I could fix it. I could change. What is it? Is it my face? My voice? How I carry myself? Am I too opinionated? Why am I not good enough?

And that little kid inside of me says, “What did I do to make God mad?”

And the thing that scares me worst than dying alone, is actually finding someone. How do I explain to a grown man that I will flinch under his touch because it is so foreign to me? How do I say, 'I’m sorry, I’ve never kissed anyone before"? How pathetic is that? How sad is that?

My brain is my best enemy. Sometimes it creates these elaborate scenarios for me to live in my head- where I’m the hero, and am loved and all that. But sometimes it reminds me of everything I’m not, everything I cant, everything I don’t have.

I want to get to a place of being numb. Oh I want that so bad. To not have to fake it. To just not feel nothing. No pain/no happy. No nothing. Just nothing. Like floating.Just free.

I would say that you were taught bad theology. There is nowhere in the Bible that says if you do x,y, and z that God will bless you with a spouse. He does, however, say that He’ll bless you with His presence. He will be with you. He will be there to wipe your tears when you have no clue why you still don’t have the life you’ve envisioned.

God’s gift to you, in any moment, is Himself.

I also am in my mid thirties and am single. I’ve only had one boyfriend (of three months) back in college about 16 years ago. It’s not that I have a strong desire to get married. I’m fine being single. It’s the “not fitting into society” that really gets to me. Everyone is married and/or has kids. It’s a tough spot to be in. All that to say, you are not alone.

Something I need to start praying for is for God to “make me content” with being single and not fitting in with society. To be able to embrace this unique path He has for me! I honestly believe that is where true contentment will come. (Now I just have to start praying that!)

If you find the right guy, you won’t have to worry about any of the scenarios you’ve played out in your head. He’ll love you for you. You’ll be perfect to him just as you are. He’ll love and cherish you in a way that reminds you of your Heavenly Father’s love.

Yeah. I was mad a God for a long time. But now I think I’m just mad at myself. And I don’t know if I believe in God… I mean I get there is like inspired intelligent creation, but not someone who is concerned with our day in and day outs. I certainly don’t believe in Hell or the devil. That is nonsense and population control. I think we’re just here. And it doesn’t make sense. I don’t think that people who chose to end their own suffering should be looked down upon. I’m glad for them. I think they are brave and strong. I think guilt drives my entire being. Except for guilt, I’d probably be gone too.