I still love him

Let me first start off my saying that I miss you guys so much, and not a day goes by that I didn’t think about heart support, or wonder how my family was doing. But since April… my life has changed, and things have been different. This is going to be a scattered brained post, but I’m going to try my best to get all my thoughts out here! So here goes nothing.

On April 1st I got introduced to a new gaming community by a friend of mine that I was playing CSGO with and I was so excited… I knew this was the right one. Well instantly things kinda started to go down hill, and I was on the verge of not being able to be a part of it anymore, because I just wasn’t emotionally okay, and that showed in the way I was interacting with people. So one night (April 5th to be exact), the Division Manager of the community wanted to sit down and have a talk with me, and I was hesitant, but I knew it would be the only way to save my self and have the opportunity to be a part of the community. What I expected to be an hour conversation tops, turned into a 3 hour conversation, four hours of playing games after that, and me meeting the person who I love and consider(ed) to be my best friend.

We talked about absolutely everything. From our past relationships, to issues I had in other communities, to literally our jobs and school and future plans. I knew in that moment there was something special about him, and he would be something special to me. After the long conversation that night, he invited me to his discord, introduced me to his friends, and we all stayed up super late playing games and having fun! This was the start of “the rest of my life”, and I was beyond ecstatic. We began talking everyday from the time i got up til the time I went to bed, we fell asleep on the phone every night! I loved it and I loved him…

But slowly things changed… it turned into us fighting, me crying, and begging him to forgive me. Lots of him threatening me (verbally) to get what he wanted (nudes/sexual favors). I was scared of him, but I knew I still loved him… (all of this was only online through messages, discord, facetime etc.) As some of you knew I was in a physically and abusive relationship before I got with him… So I saw the signs that I saw in my ex, but was too afraid to do anything… or say anything to him because I loved him and I was too afraid to lose him.So I stayed, despite everyone telling me to go, my heart won and I stayed. I let him continue to threaten me and manipulate me and hurt me until Saturday night I got fed up! We got into it, and he said that I was using him to manipulate him and to get love and affection, and he said that he was going to do what I did to him and use me for what i was good for… insinuating sex. He then begins to threaten me as i get upset with him… As I’m reading his messages, I’m on the phone with a “friend” of mine crying asking what to do, and i was terrified. We talked on the phone for a few hours that night, before he finally said goodbye… and i made that his last goodbye.

In all technicality he left, not me. But when he said goodbye, I made that my time to escape. Throughout the past few days, I’ve slowly been trying to do things to slowly get rid of him. Well today was the hardest day for me. I deleted all our past messages, the pictures I had of him, screenshots of our conversations etc. I blocked him on discord, and closed the discord message thread. I deleted all of our text messages (but no I haven’t blocked his number yet). I’m broken and lost and confused.

Here’s what I need advice on, why do I still love him? Why do I feel like he did nothing wrong, and he was only giving me what I deserved? Why did I let him control me the past couple of months? For those of you were wondering he made me leave the heart support discord and stop coming to streams etc. Because he believed that you guys were brain washing me, and you guys didn’t know what was best for me. Also another issue, he constantly told me that I can’t think, or make decisions on my own… so I let him do those things for me… so now I don’t know how to make decisions for myself anymore… I’m scared to do anything… even though he’s gone I’m still scared. And I can’t sleep because, when I sleep all I do is dream about him… I’m sorry for the long post, but I had a lot on my mind! Just know I love and miss you guys a lot! I can take any encouragement you can give.

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Monkey. I’m so sorry this reply may be a little short. Where you mentioned the relationship being sexually abusive it started to pour back the memories of my experience so I could not read the whole post… but please know you aren’t alone in this. I’ve learnt now after the amazing amount of love from you guys that what happens to us in those situations isn’t our fault and that I’m those situation it’s not us controlling ourselves. It’s the other person… so please don’t blame yourself for being stuck there for so long. I saw in discord you said you managed to get away completely now and I’m so so proud of you for that. Please know how strong you are for doing that and freeing yourself of his grip. You are amazing and again, I’m so sorry I couldn’t read the whole thing and be of more help. We love you and I’m so proud of you.

Kayla.

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Dear Monkey,
You asked the question “Why do I still love him?” My follow up question is meant to lead somewhere to hopefully give you answers to find healing. This is my question: Did you grow up in an abusive home? Whether is was a parent or a sibling, often that sort of home dynamic can rewire your brain to sort crave abusive relationships. Crazy, right? If this is the case, just know that you deserve better and you can train your brain not to think this way.
Although I don’t know you, know that I love you and will be rooting for you on this journey.

Monkey,
I am so sorry this happened to you . You are an amazing young , beautiful lady. You had asked “why do i (you) still love him “? That’s a good question to ask because of how he treated you in the beginning . He got to know you and known your story . But by the time , it got abusive and I’m sorry … you diserve someone so much better then him. And when he said the good bye . It’s gonna hurt and it will for awhile . Just know I am here and I will always be your friend.
Remember You are worth is , and also remember to hold fast friend :heart:️!
-Ashley

@Monkey, my friend, this is a big step for you. The warning signs were there, yes, but what is most important here is that you acted with YOURSELF in mind, not for someone else. From what I’ve known about your past and your struggles is that you find yourself in a vicious cycle of repeating things over and and over because in your mind, you weren’t worth anything else. But now, that’s different. You set a boundary for yourself and that’s a huge sign of growth and maturity. I’m so proud of you friend. This is a new beginning for you and we’re all here for you.

Hold Fast.
-Danjo

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Hi Monkey,

I’m terribly sorry to hear about your fallout with that guy. If I had to define the word “love” then I would define it as the following: love consists of joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

To me, this doesn’t sound like love. I’m embarrassed by some guys because they’re typically very sneaky in manipulating words to get what they want. I’m proud of you for recognizing the red flags that you saw in him (relating to your ex); it seems like you knew, deep down, that he wasn’t healthy for you. It’s important that “iron sharpens iron” - in other words, you build him up and he builds you up (to me, that’s a sign of a healthy relationship).

To answer your questions, based on what you’ve mentioned in your post, here is my best guess: It all boils down to self-worth. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but if you believed yourself to be of great value (which you ARE!), then you would believe that you deserve better than him, which would result in the realization that #1) he did many wrong things during your relationship and #2) you don’t deserve how he treated you. By believing these 2 points, I would argue that, as a result, your love for him would naturally dissolve. As your love dissolves, the easier it will be to resist the temptation of allowing him to control you. See how everything seems to be interconnected?

Anyway, that’s just my two-cents. I hope it helped! :slight_smile: