I just got back from a ward and I still want to die. I still want to die even though I’m on meds and even though I still want to die. Why can’t it just stop. I haven’t been able to stop self-harming. I’m so disgusting. I can’t even look at myself for a second before I want to cut it up. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. I don’t even deserve to breathe.
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Hi @Paladine,
I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling too well. 
I’ve love to learn more about your story! What brought you into the ward? Have you tried different types of medication? Are you seeing a counselor too? What does your day-to-day look like?
Hold fast, friend.
-Eric
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What brought was suicidal thoughts and I’ve been trying meds but none seem to work. I see a counselor but haven’t in a while and my day looks like endless pain with no escape.
What meds have you tried? I remember being placed on soo many different types of medication, with the psychiatrists trying to find the right cocktail for me. Everyone’s different, but Zoloft worked best for me. Then my body became immune and switched over the Celexa, which also works for me.
Do you do anything during the day to help combat the anxiety/depression? Something as simple as watching something funny (my to-go is the TV show Impracticle Jokers) helps a lot!
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I care about you I don’t want you to die please don’t die then my sister and I will be devastated! 
Please keep holding on! Please keep living!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!
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I’m on Porzac. I try to fight it by listing to music and making it but in the end nothing works.
I don’t know if I can keep going. I’m so tried.
Hey @Paladine
Thank you for being here and updating us on what’s been going on. It sounds like you’re still hurting a lot right now despite the medication and counseling. I can imagine that is extremely frustrating and defeating. Although going to the ward was hard and you are feeling like no progress or improvement is being made, know that there are still and always are options.
Although I don’t know what mg you’re prescribed for Prozac, sometimes it takes time to get the dosage right and once you find the right amount it can make a huge difference. Also, sometimes one antidepressant that works for some doesn’t work for others and that’s ok. I know you mentioned not having seen your counselor in a while, but I would encourage you to reach out to them and discuss how well you feel the Prozac is working so maybe you can explore some other options with either dosage amount or a different medication altogether if need be.
I can see how very tired you are my friend and how hard you have been and are still fighting. I want you to know that we are here. We hear you and see you. You are not on this journey alone. When you feel like you can’t keep going, keep coming here and reaching out and we will always remind you of the truth about yourself. That you are strong, loved, have worth and value.
Hold fast friend,
Hannah Rhodes
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My Prozac is at 300 mg. I still feel so tried and I can’t do anything about it. I still hate myself. I just cut myself 16 and haven’t been able to stop bruising myself. I’m nothing.
You are not nothing. You are valued beyond measure. You’re carrying a lot of pain right now and I’m sure it’s hard to see a point in any of this. But there truly is. Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest and most uncomfortable but they are so worth it. You are worth it. You are worth investing in yourself and caring for yourself. Loving yourself. I know all of that is much easier said than done but you have an entire community here who not only believes in you but is here to walk with you on this journey.
It sounds like you’re struggling a lot with self harm right now and cutting. You mentioned music usually being helpful. What are some other things you enjoy doing like that? Maybe we can talk about some things that you can do that will calm your thoughts that might be racing and help redirect your thoughts away from harming?
I’ve talked about it so much. I’ve tired so much nothing seems to help. I just want it to end. Why can’t I just be okay. Why am I so broekn.
Talking about it is always better than keeping it all in. That gets very heavy and hard to carry and you don’t have to carry this alone. You are not broken. Your struggles and your hurt do not define you. It’s ok to not be ok but what is important is that we advocate for ourselves and seek help when we need it so that we don’t stay in that place. You reaching out here is such an important and wonderful step! Would counseling be something you would be able to seek out again? I know you mentioned you had gone in the past.
I’ve still been trying it but again nothing has work. I just feel so bad.
The hard thing about counseling is sometimes it takes longer than we hope to work through and process all that we need to in order to move closer to growth and healing but it truly is worth it to stick with it. I can’t stress enough how much the fact that you are still trying counseling and reaching out here points to your sheer strength and courage. Depression has a way of making us feel weak and worthless so it is helpful to be reminded of all the ways you are so very strong and we are always happy to do that here
. Counseling is tough to be sure. To me, going through counseling is like cleaning out the wound so that it can heal properly. It hurts and is uncomfortable but it allows us to heal in the end. We may even feel worse before we get better, but I think of that as a sign that the root of the pain you’re experiencing is starting to be processed. It is not easy, but it is so worth it to hang in there. You’ve repeatedly shown how resilient you are which is why I truly believe you can fight this. I would encourage you to keep going to counseling even though it’s hard and may be slow going because the growth and healing will add up over time and one day you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come.
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Please, I love you, and even though I haven’t known you for that long, I don’t want to lose you! I promised myslef I would protect my friends no matter what, and I never go back on my promises! But since I am so far away, I am so helpless. I’m just a hopeless kid. I’m crying and begging you to live, because you are loved, but sitting and crying and begging is all I can do. I’m so weak. I should be able to do more for you. Please, don’t die on me. I love you. Please don’t die. Please!!! I really care abou you, believe it. And no matter how hard it gets, even if ther’s just one person who cares about you, that’s reason enough to endure all your suffering and keep living, because you matter!!! Keep living. Even if you feel like dying, you are loved, so keep living. PLEASE. You are loved. Love is the one thing in this world that causes the most joy, and the most pain. Please keep living. Love causes joy when the people we love are with us, but pain when they are gone. I don’t want anyone to go through the pain of losing you. I love you. please don’t die on us!! PLEASE keep living! PLEASE!!! We love you. You matter. Even though I haven’t known you for very long, I already consider you my friend. I tried to bring a little bit of joy into your life by sending you Musescore, but apparently though love is the strongest thing in the universe, my love for you seems not powerful enough to bring the joy and confidence back in to you, my friend. But no matter what, I still love you. I want to be there for you. Please keep living! We all love you! We LOVE you!
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I won’t end it. I promise. Also you are better than you think you have helped me a lot.
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I will keep going and thank you for helping me.
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Of course my friend. Thank you for being here. We’ve got you and you most definitely can do this!
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