When I see or heard someones dead, I thought to myself that it should be me… I feel like I’m jealous of those who passed before me…
Trust in God. He knows you, He loves you and He has plans for you.
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I’ve read the different messages you posted for the past few days. You shared about really important things that happened in your life and it sounds that your mind is spiraling with some pretty dark thoughts. I’m sorry friend. I feel your pain through the words you shared with us. Sincerely. Thank you for being here, for sharing bravely what’s on your chest, for accepting to share this vulnerability with us. Your voice matters and you matter.
You don’t have to put a smile on your face if you don’t want to. Crying when you need it is also a healthy way to cope. It’s okay not to be okay, to acknowledge this and to take some rest when you need it. No one will ever judge you here for the way you feel. We’re just human beings after all and we do our best to keep going on. But when you struggle with suicidal thoughts or ideation, then it’s a red flag that has to be cared for. Those thoughts have reasons to exist, but I’d like you to remain safe as much as possible. I don’t want you to die. And you have an entire community ready to help you here.
What you shared on the other posts is absolutely understandable. There’s a lot that is happening in your life right now. Grief, depression, forces us to handle a lot of heavy feelings and thoughts at the same time. But you are not alone. And you don’t have to handle all of this by yourself. Reaching out here is important and I hope it helps a little. In addition to this, I want to encourage you to reach out and talk with someone who could be with you right now, physically, and help you to feel less isolated. You mentioned your wife: would it be possible for you to talk with her about the thoughts you’re dealing with? There’s nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hide this. When we’re in pain, suicidal thoughts can seem reassuring at first and it’s a normal reaction to think about it. But it’s not a solution. And I don’t want you to let you drown yourself in those.
If you don’t feel comfortable with the idea of sharing with your wife or someone you’re closed to, consider calling one of those services:
- Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
- Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
- National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
It’s absolutely safe and you can share anything you want with the people you’ll talk to. Letting your thoughts out of your chest can be of a great help.
Grieving makes us feel like the pain is unbearable and our world collapsed entirely. But people who passed away before us didn’t disappear as long as we’re here. There is still a continuity because you’ve got breath in your lungs, friend. Those you had the chance to share your life with keep on living through the person you are right now. Your life gives you the opportunity to cherish and honor the people you love. It’s a possibility for you to keep on sharing their story, their voice with others. It goes beyond everything.
Healing is a long and slow process. Please hang in there. 
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Death is the absence of love, joy, friendship, hope and companionship. It’s not just the negatives that go away!