Bit of a rant. But I guess looking for validation and advice too…
I’m sad. I’m depressed. I feel like everyone dislikes being around me and I don’t trust anyone anymore.
I realise I get very stressed over being “betrayed” by friends, by that I mean whenever someone stops wanting to hang out with me because I’m depressed. Perhaps the most traumatic, is who I thought was my best friend complained I’m too gloomy and says they feel like I’m “using” them by telling them about things that have been bothering me.
I was shocked she thought I was using her. At the beginning of the year I was sexually assaulted. I called her a couple of times after it happened, but she didn’t pick up my calls. A week later, out of the blue, she told me whenever she saw calls from me, she stopped wanting to pick them up because I’d been “gloomy” for so long. She then went on to send me some screenshot of a tweet where someone wrote about how “used” they felt when friends only talked about problems in their life and didn’t have anything positive to share. I had been having a very rough time- I had to stop contacting family because my parents made me suicidal, I was living with a creepy landlord who constantly made me uncomfortable as a woman, I had gone through a breakup with my ex who was the only person who had ever really supported me. I rarely told her much, and I didn’t see her much because I knew I’d be no fun to be around. But every now and then, we’d catch up and when I told her about my life- there was honestly nothing good happening in my life. I had so much suicidal thoughts at the time, I was constantly wishing my life was over. I actually never discussed my suicidal thoughts with her, so I was extremely shocked she’d say something like that and send me a screenshot of some shitty tweet.
4 months later, we finally meet up and she tells me she’s sorry and that she simply didn’t phrase things well. But honestly, I can’t move past it still. After those messages from her, given I had just been sexually assaulted as well- it was too much and I was extremely close to committing suicide that day. I’m trying to get past it… but honestly I just can’t. I don’t feel like I can be friends with her anymore.
This “best friend”, she messaged me today about maybe doing a trip together when we’re out of lockdown… but honestly I don’t know if I can. I think I’d probably be very uncomfortable around her and other friends in our friendship group who I haven’t talked to much since I was sexually assaulted. I know they have probably just been busy with their lives and what not, but I feel so disconnected to them, I don’t feel like I can just be friends with them like before.
And honestly, I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t trust my family because I’ve suffered emotional abuse from them since I was a child. I finally started trusting people because I met my ex who was very supportive of my mental health journey. But after the way my ex broke up with me due to poor communication on his part and well I guess depression making me a horrible person on my part (we broke up because of long distance. We had previously said we would try long distance, but the night before he left on the plane he changed his mind and broke up with me- it was extremely painful too because for weeks I’d been telling him we needed to talk about it but he refused every time). But that combined with this incident with my supposed best friend and multiple other negative incidents with “friends” who don’t want anything to do with me because I’m depressed, I honestly don’t feel like I can trust anyone anymore…
I’m also noticing since then my mental health has gotten even more fragile. I’ve become part of this community, doing this outdoor sport which kinda helps strengthen my will to live. It’s very hard to do this sport without someone else, and whenever I see that they’ve been doing something as a group and I wasn’t invited I feel extremely depressed, if I’m not careful it can shift towards suicidal thoughts. I feel like nobody likes to be around me that’s why I’m not invited. I know that some of them are just friends who have strong connections outside of this sport e.g. same culture etc. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling depressed and lonely. Today, I was invited to go do the sports with them, but couldn’t make it because of other commitments and now I feel extremely down. It’s so rare that they want to do anything with me the last few months… and now that I’m finally invited to come a long I can’t make it. This sport is the only thing that gives me a reason to live, I feel like that reason to live is vanishing.
I met my counsellor recently and she recommended I voluntarily get admitted into hospital, into a psychiatric ward. Because some of my depression may have to do with pre-existing mental health conditions that I was never treated for as a child. I had thought a lot of my depression had to do with childhood trauma- being emotionally abused by family. But I recently recalled I had selective mutism and social anxiety as a kid. I guess social anxiety would probably make me feel like everybody dislikes me, especially with recent events… Do you think social anxiety could cause mistrust in people too?