I texted my ex’s father about his behavior and I feel awful

(Quick TW for suicide, depression, and possible other disturbing content)

Hey heartsupport! It’s been a while.
Not sure if my old posts can be checked, but my last one was about how my boyfriend broke up with me. Just a little update here, we decided to stay friends and I recently found the guy of my dreams who makes me really happy. Said ex, let’s call him Aiden (not even close to his real name btw, just asked a friend for a random name) was taking my relationship with this new guy, “J”, really hard. He sent me multiple paragraphs on how much he loved me and missed me, but he had mistreated me so much in the past that I really just couldn’t take it.
His mental health got gradually worse, and he began to send me disturbing texts and calls every night about how he’s going to kill himself because of this, to which i’d always have to talk him out of it.
After a while i realized that being in this kind of dynamic with him wasn’t healthy for me, and causing me immense amounts of stress, but I didn’t want him to hurt himself because of me, so I stayed.
I threatened to call the cops or his parents and he often backed down when I did that.
In order to cope with this stress, I had started talking to “J” more, since he really calms me down and helps me feel happy. He knew vague details of the situation, but not everything. This made “Aiden” even more upset, and he would randomly spam call me in the middle of the night or while I was hanging out with “J” to get my attention and have me talk him out of suicide once again. After a while I got sick of this behavior, him constantly needing to talk to me every second of the day in order to stay alive. I started to get kind of snappy and irritated with him, since it was getting to the point to where I couldn’t even go out for a few hours with friends or my own father.
Earlier this night, he did it again, told me how he was gonna kill himself, said his goodbyes, all that.
With all the added on stress, I freaked the hell out. I basically had a huge panic attack at the thought of being behind his death and he attempted to shift to comforting me. He asked if there was anything he could do to help my situation and I told him to “just be gentle with me, I’m really unstable right now”. And I assumed that would take care of things.

Boy was I wrong.

Later, “Aiden” sent me a text saying that he posted something on social media for me but deleted it because he didn’t want it to get taken down. Oblivious to the severity of the situation, assuming he was maybe just shirtless or said a few too many swear words or something, I asked to see it.

He then sent me a video of him writing in his own blood, with handprints and a final heart for me.
I flipped out on him, telling him how I had one boundary and he couldn’t even follow that, etc etc.
I ended up blocking him, then told a few close friends about the situation and we agreed that it would probably be best to contact his parents about this. I sent his dad a message involving all of the threats of suicide and self harm that he’s sent me, as well as the video attached.
I feel awful, knowing that he’ll probably be furious if he finds out I did this. He always freaked out when I mentioned contacting his parents, because he’s really big on their approval, but I just couldn’t watch him suffer anymore. I feel awful. Did I do the right thing?

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He’s wanting you control you through guilt. If he hurts himself, he’s the only person responsible for it. Nobody has the right to control another person via threats of suicide. Consider as well, if he was with another person, he’d use the suicide threat her too. So, ultimately you’re not to blame for his behavior. Instead, you’re a “placeholder,” one of any number of people he’d blame if you weren’t around. If he’s really suicidal, he needs a therapist, instead of taking permanent ownership of another person’s life. I suspect he confuses love with obsession and control.

Yes you did, and you have no reason to feel awful. His parents need to know. Imagine how they’d feel if you knew he was talking about suicide and you didn’t tell them. If I were involved, I’d initiate a Baker Act action for him. That’s when he’s required to spend 72 hours in a psych ward for evaluation. Whether he’s truly suicidal or just threatening in order to manipulate people, he’s demonstrating a need for intervention.

Now that his parents are in the best position to help him, it’s time for you to remove him from your life completely, even if it means getting a restraining order.

Stay safe! Wings

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From: ManekiNeko

you definitely did the right thing contacting his parents. I want to commend you on the fact that you were aware of your boundaries and had set those in place.
“Aiden” may not have been aware that they were using their mental health to manipulate you, which seems even more to me a reason to get outside help involved. I know he may be mad that there’s intervention, but if it’s for his own safety then it’s necessary. Hopefully this is a first step for them in actually getting better and healing and for you as well. It’s not fair to carry all that on yourself, especially with the content they’d been sending.
Be proud of yourself for your boundaries and for reaching out to help someone in need.

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From: Microsmos

Hey @sa1emzz,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us. Goodness you have been through such a rollercoster of emotions with your ex. He is obviously struggling and in pain, but there are some important red flags there regarding his needs and the way he communicates them. Something fundamental to keep in mind, even if it’s really difficult at times, is that you are not responsible of his emotions, of the way he feels, of his well-being and even less of his life. What he does to himself and the way he communicates that to you is his responsibility, even if he may not be aware of it. This certainly reflects a way to communicate his needs for comfort that he has learned over time, but that is very unhealthy for him, and so much for you as well. You have a life to live, a life that you are more than allowed to live. Setting boundaries as you did must have been pretty conflicting, but I can assure you without even an ounce of doubt that you have made the right decision. The worst in this situation would be to keep enabling this behavior by being isolated with him and his demands. Reaching out to relatives, friends, setting boundaries… these are ALL some VERY good and healthy steps. He may not understand or accept it right now because he is in a state of emotional crisis, but your decisions are the best that could have been done for him too. You are not a bad person. You have been on the contrary so very patient and caring. Please make sure now to also rest, take time for yourself, breathe. You have removed a bandaid that was painful to acknowledge, but it was necessary. You did well. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi there,

I’m glad you’re here and sharing this with us. That sounds like A LOT to go through!

You are NOT responsible for Aiden’s mental health or his stability. He is clearly using your emotions to try to control and manipulate the situation.
You completely did the right thing.

And if he really is hurting as much as he claims, then it makes sense for the people in his life that can help him, to know. It’s not fair or nice of him to try to make you feel guilty about your new relationship by behaving this way. You deserve to be happy and safe and treated well in your relationship.

I do hope that you will protect your own mental wellbeing and block and delete Aiden
s contacts on your phone, email. Taking care of ourselves can sound a bit selfish, but it’s survival, not selfishness to protect ourselves, to keep ourselves safe.

He’s not your responsibility. Hope he gets help, for his emotions, by professionals. \

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hello Friend, I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with all this. It sounds like your x needs some help with his mental health and I hope that his father will get that started for him. It’s very good that you talked to his father and hopefully he can get your friend into some therapy to figure out what’s going on. Someone threatening suicide should always be taken seriously, so this was the right thing to do. Take care! ~Mystrose

From: ARTxEK

I know it felt awful coming forward to his parents, but his mental state of being truly needs real help. There could be underlying issues that you cannot help him with, and thats okay, but his parents and a therapist can help him come to peace with in time.

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From: Tiikrig

Hi sa1emzz. I think the first thing I would like to do is to address your question: Yes. You did the right thing. I think it is natural to feel doubts about it. But as an outside observer who reads what you have said this looks like the sensible thing to do. What you have described seems like a way of manipulation that anybody would be better getting away from.

That doesn’t mean “Aiden” doesn’t need or deserves attention, understanding and help. But if somebody is unable to provide those things without hurting themselves, then it is also fair to them to give space for other people to come to the aid. Calling friends and family to carry out a plan seems like a great and even kind thing to do, and you should be proud of the way you handled this.

you did the right thing he’s gonna get the help he needs hopefully. hes clearly trying to manipulate you just block him forever at this point