I think I actually will kill my mother someday

Hi, so today was not a very good day today. I had to stay after school for orchestra practice and I texted my mother to ask her to pick me up. We were talking on the way home and it switched to my grades. I have always had good grades and specifically in Spanish my grade has never been below a B. I currently have a C because I didn’t do very well on one test that I will be retaking soon. My mother told be to get my grades up and that I should care a bit more about my grades saying that I never study and that I should put in more effort the usual right? Well I said just as a joke, “Oh yeah I don’t care about my Spanish grade at the moment because I know I can get it up and I am prepared to retake the test in a few days.” The second the last word left my mouth she said stuff like, This is why you’re never going to get into a good college, you’ll never make it in life because you never study. You’ll being going to community college and you’re ruining your life becasue you never study." She said that all in a voice that was dripping with disappointment, venom, and pure disgust. I’ve always had a mild hatred of my mother but when she said that I wanted to just cause us to crash killing us both right then and there. She has always put a lot of pressure on me because I am the “Smart Golden Child” of the family and her constantly showing me off at family events has always made me dislike her as in every time she spoke her voice made me want to punch her. But today I for some reason had a strong desire to see her dead. I know that I shouldn’t hurt her and I’ve been going to therapy as of late but I can’t take this pressure anymore, she acts like the classes I take are so easy and that all because I picked things up a bit faster that others in elementary school I’m smarter than Einstein. I can’t take it anymore and I’m honestly thinking about just trying to die again to escape from her.

2 Likes

Hey Friend,

I feel for you as when I was going through school I had high levels of pressure put on me just like you do.

I’m now 32 and it’s taken me a while to unravel a lot of this stuff as this kind of expectation has been put on me basically everywhere I went and I’d like to share what I’ve learned about this.

You’re obviously an intelligent person so I’ll try and keep this succint to give you places to look for more information. It’s my firm beleife that the more information someone has with regard to understanding themselves, the better the life they can live. And that’s the goal right? It’s about “knowing thy self.”

I’ll start with the word smart.

Through life I’ve been told I’m super smart just about everywhere I go. At first it was flattering, but then I came to hate it when people told me that. Still do, tbh. It implies that I’ve got my stuff figured out and I can do anything someone asks me to. It gives people almost an excuse to berate me when I don’t stand up to the expectations they set for me.

The way I’ve come to respond to this kind of thing is, “I’m not a fan of the word smart because it’s often used improperly. For example, Einstein once said, “Judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree and it will think it’s stupid for the rest of its life.””

Sure, I may be able to network servers together and figure out complicated softwares, but when the 10 ton front loader on the farm breaks down, blue collor joe over there with an 8th grade education can fix that thing in a couple of hours with a few spare parts laying around the shop that don’t even belong on that thing. There’s no way I would be able to do that… being “smart” is realitive.

Have you ever heard of Gifted Kid Syndrome? If not, please do some reading on it as I think this would be something really good to speak to your therapist about. You can extract A LOT of helpful information by diving into this domain. And I think it will help you understand how you can aleviate some pressure from yourself.

Gifted Kid Burnout: Signs and How to Overcome It.

On a nother note, what are the expectations of your mom, what are her or your parents’ goals for you? IE. what kind of school do they want you to attend for college? what profession, etc?

How does that measure up with what you want to do, if you even understand that (being the “gifted” kid can cause a weird struggle with meeting expectations of others against the things you yourself actually want to do).

Do your parent’s expectations and yours meet? Are they different? What is your ideal? what are your personal goals?

Most parents (I say most becasue there really are some crappy people out there) want what’s best for their kids. Sometimes when a kid has promise they put a lot of weight into what they think they could do and sometimes forget to undertand what the kid wants. It’s important to understand where your parents stand on this and how far away you stand compared to them. Understanding why they have these expectations are important as well. It helps to understand the situation.

by sharing the following stuff, I’m only doing so to give you examples and not suggest you use this as a motive to rebel or anything…

Steve Jobs: had a GPA of 1.6 when he graduated highschool. He dropped out of a super expensive private school after about 6-8 months and wasting 10s of thousands of his (adopted) parent’s savings.

Einstein: Was considered an abject failure by all of his contemporaries in highschool and college. He did okay in college, but not good enough to get any recomendations from professors and was rejected from every physics job he applied for. He ended up working as a mail clerk in the local post office (this is where he did an easy job and took the extra time he had to develop his theories that we know him for today.) Objectively speaking, Einstein wasn’t “smart” until he was.

These are just two examples of a huge list of people we inherintly think are “gifted” or are “smart.” Reading into their lives reveals they were just regular human beings who did what they could to be happy and find meaning in life.

I hope this information helps a little bit and improves how you’re fealing about things.

Stay strong my friend. Hold Fast.

Hey there! Thank you for taking the time to share your struggles with you and your mother’s relationship. It sounds like even though you only have one class with a lower grade, your mother is giving you a lot of stress about it. She’s proud of you when you well, but gives you grief when you’re not. It sounds like you are getting annoyed and angry with how she pressures you. It can be overwhelming when you have the pressure to perform at high capacity at all times.

I believe that your mom wants the best for you, but she doesn’t recognize that the expectations she has for you are actually hurting you. She wants you to be able to get into a top-notch school so that you can get a well-paying job to provide for your future. But, yeah, this type of pressure is not going to help you get those things. It ignores the things that you want to get out of life. Perhaps if she knew what kind of future you’re imagining for yourself, she would be able to change the way she pressures you into a way that supports your goals instead.

Going back to being the “Smart Golden Child,” it is difficult for others (and maybe yourself as well) to recognize anything other than that quality in you. I was the type of student that got excellent grades with minimal effort; one of my college friends said I was the smartest person she knew that didn’t study. But I knew that I had social struggles, and looking back, I had depression since I was a kid which I didn’t seek treatment for until grad school. I’ve experienced that when the grades don’t matter anymore, the struggles seem to take over. I’m glad that you are seeing a therapist, and hopefully they’ll be able to give you the tools you need to process your relationships and also discuss what struggles that your academic achievements may be masking.

You don’t have to be an achiever to be person of worth. You are a worthwhile person because you exist. Your grades, the college you might go to, or the career you choose will never change that fact.

Take Care, and Hold Fast.