Wow friend. This hits really hard in a lot of ways - thanks for having the courage to post this.
Though I dont know your story too well, it seems so difficult. It sounds like you experienced a lot when you were younger - perhaps grew up too quick, saw too much, or were hurt. And now, it sounds like you feel a lot of pressure from yourself to be “an adult” and “grow up”. You mentioned feeling like you play the role of an adult, like in a play, but don’t feel like you are one at all.
And that sounds so difficult. I imagine this notion of feeling like you’re a fake or fraud. Feeling like anything you do is not going to be good enough. I could even imagine doing less because it wont “matter” or wont “change much”. And that feeding a cycle of self talk that ends in isolation or loneliness. And that really shakes me to my core.
I am so sorry you’re going through this my friend.
I think I identify with the inner child thing quite a bit from your perspective. In my 20’s i bounced from job to job to job. I would get bored and move on. I was bad with money - TERRIBLE with money. I just felt like such a kid. Really irresponsible. It wasn’t until I was damn near thirty that I decided that I needed to get my stuff together. But even then - I found it really difficult. I found that I had wasted too much time and this self judgement started to creep in. And it felt a lot like what you describe.
And it resulted in a lot of fear and self loathing and decision paralysis. I kept thinking i needed to “be something” and really grow up. In a lot of ways - this resulted in me feeling really bad for resting or relaxing at all. I felt the need to be productive all the time or else id be a disappointment. So doing things like writing a book - which im now doing - just felt like dumb dreams that were a waste of time.
Do you feel any of that at all? Maybe our experiences are different in that way. Perhaps not.
When I look back, maybe a lot of that was me feeling like i needed to hit this idealized version of what life should be. Which stemmed from never feeling “good enough” with where I was. I wasn’t paying attention to the joy in every day living and was merely striving for success as a measure of my worth.
I still struggle with it.
I want you to know that Im proud of you. I dont know where you are in life but it’s never too late to improve. That being said, “improvement” wrought by self loathing and negative self talk feels like it’s more steps backwards than forwards.
Im rooting for you and entirely in your corner. Please dont hesitate to post again. To share your journey. We’re here for you.
