Never thought I’d be here but here I am. Posting quick before I regret.
First off you’d never be able to tell that anything was wrong when meeting with me in person. I’m sociable, I have a promising future, I love talking and being around people. But I’ve went to extreme lengths to isolate myself from anyone beyond surface level.
I’m permanently cut off from family. My close friend/girlfriend (it’s complicated) is the only person I’ve ever been able to open up to honestly and I’m still not as open as she wants me to be. She wants me to talk to a professional and get help. I won’t do it unless I’m anonymous.
I want to join a support discord, that’s where I found this place. But I don’t think I’d stick around for long and I can’t stand member hierarchies. I get so angry. I don’t think anybody else has anything to offer me. I can’t participate in society how I want to until I’m up to my own standards. I don’t know what to do.
It wasn’t always like this. When I was a young kid these things didn’t bother me. As I grew older I was in and out of different mental health offices. When a therapist said the wrong thing or knew too much I’d just leave. I can’t trust anybody.
I think everyone is scrutinizing everything about me and waiting for me to make a mistake, so I have to prove them wrong. I spend hours every day working on myself. I’d never admit any of this to anyone.
I’m aware that how I think and feel isn’t normal or rational. Sometimes I have brief moment of insight of how much all of this is truly in my head and then before I can let it sink in, that clarity is gone and replaced with usual paranoia.
I already know that in a few hours this post will mean nothing to me and I’ll regret saying anything. I just want to relax and feel normal again but I can’t let myself get help. I guess this IS my attempt at getting help.
Never thought I’d be here but here I am. Posting quick before I regret.
Welcome to HeartSupport! You came to the right place.
I’m not in the headspace right now to take a deep dive into your post, but I do want to say I hear you. I understand. I’ve been right there. You’ve made an enormous step by reaching out here, and I applaud you for that. I hope to be a bit more focused tomorrow so I can write something a little more substantial, but for now I just want to say I hear you.
hi there! I’m so glad you found us, and genuinely I’m glad you posted here!
I can assure you that everyone here is here to just love and support you, however you need that. We’re here to listen as you work thru stuff, or as you post how you’re feeling, whatever it is you gotta say, we’re here to listen and really hear it.
In terms of anonymity, have you tried any form of online services for counseling? Would something like that work for you? Also, it sounds like it is difficult to open up, and I can see how a therapist can make you feel a bit thrown off. But a point to remember is that they know stuff because of their years of training and all the patients they had before. We often think our problems and issues are limited to us alone, and we keep ourselves in a sort of isolation pain bubble, because that’s how we know to cope and handle it. But there are others who are trained to help us, to be objective about it and have solutions, or tips and strategies.
I look forward to hearing from you again, and I hope that you can find the solace, and acceptance and safety here that you need to just be yourself.
We love you for you
I have considered online counseling but my concerns are more about being attached to a specific history and image a therapist would have of me, which isn’t something that can be avoided if I come back for deep dive repeat sessions regardless of where it happens. Tbh I tend to think of most therapists as quacks. I’ve met some genuinely bad ones but even the ones that were going well at first, I think they were trying to make a sucker out of me. Get me to admit to embarrassing things so they could take advantage of that. I won’t let myself be viewed that way. I don’t see how a nobody stranger could understand me better than I understand myself.
I bet I could handle these issues if I knew what was going on or could relate to typical symptoms more. If I was traditionally self loathing or depressed or afraid of public speaking. Instead I’m stuck not understanding what’s stopping me, not being able to fix myself but still refusing to reach out.
Feels good reading responses though. Gives me a break from these things being stuck inside my own head.
A therapist isn’t there to make fun of you or trick you into saying embarrassing things to use against you. They are there to listen and help you find ways to cope with your symptoms and diagnose you. If you go into it with the idea that they are out to get you or that they need to prove to you that they can fix you, it’s not going to work.
Therapy requires you to surrender to and trust the process. It requires you to be honest and tell them everything that is on your heart and mind, because they can only help you with what you reveal to them. It takes work from you too, they just can’t magically fix you.
You can learn how to handle whatever is going on with you if you learn the coping skills from someone who actually knows how to help you, if you let them.
Hi and Welcome, I am so glad you have decided to post here and I pleased that you came back to read these replies even as I think its important that you know that the way you are feeling is not limited to you alone, there are many of us is a similar situation to you, of course we are all very different people with our own unique stories but the feelings but each one of us have our own crosses to bear and sometimes getting these feelings out are a great help. Having read your post the first thing that came to mind was just how exhausting it must be to think people are putting a microscope on everything you say and do in life and waiting for you to fail, I would love you to practice some mindfulness techniques and try to teach yourself in the moment when you are starting to feel paranoid to come back from that to the place where you were feeling more comfortable and less stressed, That all sounds too simple but if you take a look at some of the techniques and how it works I truly think it could be beneficial to you. I do hope you continue read these replies because I also want to tell you to understand that you are appreciated and valued, and we are always here for you. One last thing I would like to say to you before I finish, as someone who has found therapy quite difficult herself in the past, they really are not there to scrutinize and tell you that you if you are doing things rightly or wrongly they are there to hear you and suggest ways to help you help yourself and no one can help you better than you. Much Love Lisa. x
Welcome to the community The! I hope you find some help and support here.
Reading this I was honestly at a loss of what to say to you. You don’t seem willing to trust anyone enough to talk to them and really figure things out. So my only real question and advice is this: Do you trust yourself?
If you trust yourself then the best advice I can offer is for you to get a voice recorder. Not an app on your phone. An actual little voice recorder. Something small you can hook on your belt or something. When you are alone and thinking things and you feel like you want to talk to someone or you are thinking about your past that might be causing these things turn it on. Seriously. Just have it there and whenever you want to talk you talk. I’m saying something small so you can hold it in your hand and whisper to it or even tuck it in your mask when in public and talk to it without anyone knowing what you are doing. And then you can play it back for yourself and it may help you gain a true understanding of yourself and what you are feeling and what your struggles are. And maybe after talking to yourself for a bit and being your own therapist and finding a bit of understanding you might feel like trying again with a therapist.
There is nothing wrong with wanting help but struggling to accept it and there is nothing wrong with not being perfect or being who you think everyone expects. You just have to be you. But I feel like you aren’t entirely sure who you are and that scares you. That’s just what I’m reading but maybe I’m wrong.
I wish you all the luck in the world and please feel free to come back and share anytime. We care about you and we don’t judge. I promise
Even I’m a little surprised about this ha. Like I said though, it feels good reading what others have to say. Maybe because I know I’m anonymous and can leave at any time. Everyone seems so pro-therapy here.
I think this is what drove me to the breaking point of posting here. I’ve had pieces of these thoughts as long as I can remember but lately it’s consumed everything. I get stuck in place having mental spirals for the majority of the day. I go somewhere mundane like grocery shopping and am constantly checking to make sure that I’m holding myself right, that I’m leaving the right impression.
I’m always overanalyzing myself so I think if I had a voice recorder I’d be mostly focused on what I sounded like, how I came across, comparing the way I speak to others. I do like the idea though. I’ve tried keeping a journal but I would deliberately leave out things I didn’t want to have happened or sometimes I would just outright lie. I don’t know why. I kept picturing it as a finished book that everyone would be reading so I had to edit it accordingly. Even though I definitely had no plans of publishing it haha. Maybe the fast pace of audio recording would keep me from doing something like that. No harm trying, nobody would have to know it but me.
Thank you for responding, your replies are so interesting to me and belive me im certainly no therapist.lol but you seem to have this really big fear of not only being seen as imperfect but also seeing yourself as such and that is one heck of a lot of pressure to put on yourself or am I completely reading you wrong litereally?
It probably has something to do with perfectionism. Paranoia too. I never had interest in psychology but based on the common use of those terms and the video linked above, those sound about right. Strange mental issues run in my family so it wouldn’t be much of a stretch. Though I don’t mind making some mistakes just as long as it doesn’t damage the perception of me that I’m trying to get across. I don’t want to be the lesser person in any situation and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about me. Going into a therapy office and claiming I need help isn’t exactly an appealing way to present myself. That’s why hopefully I can figure this out on my own and anonymously online so nobody ever has to know me like that.
I understand where you are coming from, its strange I myself have been very similar but only when im around mainly my family and its not that they have ever put pressure on me to perform to a level but I guess my fear of any one thinking that my family memeber have a decent put together mentally stable and well turned out family over rides every other feeling, emotion and fear.
Thankfully now im getting older im not put in situations where I have to meet people so I dont have to be concerned by that anymore and I am so pleased because the anxiety that caused was crippling so how you do this all the time is beyond me. I am glad you found that video helpful,(im lisalovesfeathers by the way) Better help is meant to be a very good and useful tool, it might be worth checking out some more of their stuff on youtube.
I know this goes against what you have said but there really isnt anything wrong with walking into anywhere and saying I make a few mistakes sometimes any chance you could help me to fix that please! isnt that how we learn all the way through our lives? by making mistakes and someone helping us to hopeuflly not make them again, that doesnt make you a lesser person, it kind of makes you human.
Oh and if people have a perception of you only on the fact that you have never made a single mistake, im not sure how real that perception, I like and love people flaws and all, its what makes us who we are and it took a long time to realise that but its incredibly freeing and comes with a lot less anxiety too. Just something to think about. I really do want you to be a happier and more realxed person and if im honest a bit less perfect too. lol Much Love Lisa x
Hiya, I don’t know if you have decided to move on from here yet or if you are still around? I hope you are still around, I wondered how you were and if you had, had any more thoughts on any of the things you had discussed with people? I would love to think that something that was said had helped a little and even made you feel secure enough to possibly go out there and ask for a bit of help?
Anyway whatever you have decided I truly hope that you are doing ok and you have found some of the peace that you were searching for.
Much Love LIsa x