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I think i just ruined everything and i need help

hi gonna talk about self harm so dont read if thats triggering or upsetting

i really really did see this coming i guess? i dont even know if it counts as a relapse and i really dont want it to because i was clean for 3 years this month but i mightve just completely ruined it

i set up all these rules for relapse, like it would only ever be a relapse if it was with a certain item and making this kind of excuse for it but i just found myself trying to break my skin with something out of “curiosity” and then it just sort of went worse from there and ive had the urge recently but i was able to talk myself out of it and i guess my mental health just kept getting worse but i kept telling myself that the regret would be enough to stop myself and i dont even know if it was a relapse or not but i just feel so ashamed and i dont want it to get worse but i have absolutely no one i can tell or talk to and im not seeing a mental health professional for another month and i really really want to celebrate 3 years but i dont know if i can and i dont know how to get real help sooner and i dont know if i need to go to a mental hospital or if i can fix this myself

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Hi @graciee
You don’t have to feel ashamed. You are loved. It doesn’t matter if it is or is not a relapse. It made you feel very uncomfortable and created a lot of unwanted thoughts. Can you perhaps call your therapists and tell them what had happened? Maybe they could meet you sooner. It’s ok to ask for help when we need it. I hope it gets better soon for you. We are here whenever you need support :heart:

@graciee I’m sorry that you are struggling right now. First off, please do not feel ashamed because you are having a difficult time trying not to self harm. You talk about being clean for three years this month and are tying your success at not relapsing. May I ask a question? Are you in a healthier place than you were 3 years ago? It sounds like you have seen improvements in this time and your self awareness is better. That alone is worth celebrating! Healing and our journeys forward are never a straight path. We all move forward at our own pace with our own stumbles and side steps. The big thing is that we keep striving to move forward and become a healthier self. I’m glad that you have an appointment to see a therapist. In the mean time, I would hate to see you get stuck on a time of struggle and tell yourself that you ruined everything when I really don’t think you have ruined all of the progress you’ve made. What is causing you to feel that you want to self harm again, may I ask? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. But please stay in touch with us here, join us on discord and join some of the HS streams of Twitch. You will find that you are not alone, that we all have times of struggle and that you are loved, valued and welcome. It’s a safe place to talk it out.

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From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos! I know this is a different post but I’m so sorry you’re cat died today I hope your cat is on its way to heaven looking over you during the toughest of moments just remember your cat is supporting you from above. When coming to self-harm it’s something that can be controlled through therapy I know it can be hard for some people to speak up about mental health but it’s the best way to get you out of this hard time <3 you are loved , valued and respected.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, Thank you for your post, I responded to this post as I think you are very self aware when it comes to your SH situation but I also see that you are going through a tough time with the loss of your Cats and I am truly sorry for your losses, that is heartbreaking. They were so lucky to have you and you them, please try to hold on to the wonderful memories you have of them, i know its hard. With regards to your SH, I think you already know that there is a possibility of a problem reaccuring so its definately something you should be attentive of and perhaps even see if you can get a cancelation with your therapist? its worth a try, explain the situation, they may well accomodate you. In the meantime please keep posting if this helps you, we are here for you. You are loved friend. Lisa xx

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