I think i lost my childhood

hi. my name is maya and im a 15 year old trans girl. i found this website from looking up “anonymous venting website” into google, because although ive not been in the worst mental place, im not feeling amazing either. 4 years ago, when i was 11 to 12, over a 3 month span in late 2020, i was groomed by several people online. i wasn’t nessecarily a happy go lucky kid before it happened, but after that happened, i just dealt with suicide attempt after suicide attempt after suicide attempt; my mental health plummeted in 2021 and i developed almost too many issues to name from that one experience. self-hate, self-objectification, issues with older people/i guess “mommy issues” even though i have great parents, fear of men… and i just see other people talk so much about their amazing teenagehood full of friends, and fun, and i just feel so left out. ive spent pretty much all my teenage years making music, in my room. and the only friends ive ever had have been online, only getting them pretty recently, like early 2022. i just wish i had a loud, energetic childhood with lots of fun, one to look back on with nostalgia, instead of the one i got filled with gender dysphoria, and grief, and self hatred. ive dealt with it in different ways, but all of them involve closing myself off, being aloof and edgy and sarcastic; this character of a “tortured sarcastic musician prodigy” that many of my peers seem to have attatched to me that i play into, subconsciously or not. i dont want to be like that, an “artist” with so many expectations from adults to make some sort of masterpiece album everyone will gawk at. i just want to be a teenage girl. i want to have fun and hang out with my friends and have a nice life, but it feels like that life has been taken from me forcefully at a young age. im not sure why im posting this, i suppose i want someone to talk, or to relate to, or to comfort me. i have a therapist but i wont see her for a week or so, so i guess i went here to vent while im feeling the worst about this i have in over a year. i guess i just feel like the most potentially happy era of my life was taken before i got to experience it.

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Hi there,

It seems that there’s a lot of things that are troubling you at this time. And I think a lot of it comes from the fact that you haven’t experienced a great childhood, to say the least. On top of that, it must feel mentally draining to be pressured into performing this musician prodigy act that you’ve been affiliated with, even though you already probably got used to it.

I hope you know that your feelings toward your childhood doesn’t have to always be this way - you can try accepting it (which is going to be difficult, but I’ve found that time got me through a lot of tough stuff) and moving on. Then, you might try focusing on the present and future, building a gleeful or new teenagehood that you can look back wholesomely on, and start a new chapter in your life. Of course, this is just a simplification of the whole process as these things take time and everyone has different methods for dealing with their own unwelcoming situations. But a few things that helps me recover from my own unwanted memories and current difficulties include listening to music (T-swift), journalling down my thoughts, baking/cooking new recipes, and watching my favourite TV shows (Chicago Med, Modern Family). Perhaps you could try a few of these suggestions to cheer yourself up when you feel down. That being said, it’s not a permanent fix to some of humans’ saddest sentiments, but for me it’s definitely an assistance to helping me see life in a different light.

Please know that we’re here for you, and you are not alone in what you feel. Don’t feel afraid to reach out again as I; along with other compassionate repliers, will try our best to deliver the best of our supports.

From _gravius: As a 19 y/o trans woman, it blows that life’s twisted, try to live in the moment and use your past as a way to guide you into your teenage years and the rest of your life