i think this is it. i’m either going to hurt myself or kill myself. i have no options left and i feel awful about it because i promised my boyfriend that i wouldn’t. i just can’t do it anymore. it’s just been getting worse for ten years. i’ll never leave this environment when all it does is remind me of the trauma i’ve faced. i don’t enjoy anything, just sit in bed and even when i try to go out, i don’t feel good. i don’t want to eat or drink, i don’t even feel like i have to. i’m barely a “healthy” weight, basically almost sticks at this point, but i don’t care. i think i’ll just let myself waste away. i can’t keep running to my friend and boyfriend about my problems, they aren’t therapists and it isn’t fair to them. on top of that, it’s my boyfriend’s birthday tomorrow so i don’t think it’s okay to talk to him about how i want to kill myself tonight. it’s not fair to him and i know he can move on if he had to, everyone can. i am disgusting and not worthy of anything anyway. my intrusive thoughts have gotten so strong that i can’t even tell which one is which and how i actually feel. i’m gross.
and for additional detail. no i don’t have a therapist, that’s too much money and no, i can’t tell my family because they have been using my mental health against me for years and only want to “ship me off” instead of dealing with me.
i just want it to all stop and i know realistically, it won’t. i can’t find a job and even then not a stable one to allow me to move out. and by the point of being able to move out i know i wouldn’t have anything left of myself mentally considering how i’ve gone downhill this much. there’s no point.