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I think i’m going to kill myself

i think this is it. i’m either going to hurt myself or kill myself. i have no options left and i feel awful about it because i promised my boyfriend that i wouldn’t. i just can’t do it anymore. it’s just been getting worse for ten years. i’ll never leave this environment when all it does is remind me of the trauma i’ve faced. i don’t enjoy anything, just sit in bed and even when i try to go out, i don’t feel good. i don’t want to eat or drink, i don’t even feel like i have to. i’m barely a “healthy” weight, basically almost sticks at this point, but i don’t care. i think i’ll just let myself waste away. i can’t keep running to my friend and boyfriend about my problems, they aren’t therapists and it isn’t fair to them. on top of that, it’s my boyfriend’s birthday tomorrow so i don’t think it’s okay to talk to him about how i want to kill myself tonight. it’s not fair to him and i know he can move on if he had to, everyone can. i am disgusting and not worthy of anything anyway. my intrusive thoughts have gotten so strong that i can’t even tell which one is which and how i actually feel. i’m gross.

and for additional detail. no i don’t have a therapist, that’s too much money and no, i can’t tell my family because they have been using my mental health against me for years and only want to “ship me off” instead of dealing with me.

i just want it to all stop and i know realistically, it won’t. i can’t find a job and even then not a stable one to allow me to move out. and by the point of being able to move out i know i wouldn’t have anything left of myself mentally considering how i’ve gone downhill this much. there’s no point.

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Limeytea,

I know how you feel. So far gone that nothing can save you and you dont even feel like you are worth saving. But you are. I know leaving environments is hard. Ive been trying to get out of mine, which is the town I live in, for years and it doesnt seem like it’s going to happen anytime soon. Psychology says that when exposed to an environment for so long, things within it start to become products of it. An example would be a man who is an alcoholic because he grew up with an alcoholic dad. However, we dont have to become products of our environment. Your environment is tearing you down and you dont know how to leave. Im in that same boat. But I dont want you to become another statistic. You said you dont eat or drink. I get that. I can go days without eating. Its not becaise I choose not to, but more that I have no desire to. Please dont waste away. I’m not a therapist, but I will listen to anything amd everything you have to say or want to talk about. Come to me with anything. I dont care what it is. If you want to talk, ill be there. Hell, if you want a limited edition Funko Pop from Hottopic, because you think it might bring you some form of happiness, I’ll go get it for you. Just please know that you are worth so much more than you feel.

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i really appreciate you responding and for the offers, it really means a lot. i honestly don’t care about material possessions at the moment, despite how materialistic i am lol. but either way i just feel like there’s nothing left honestly. i’ve exhausted all my options realistically. i honestly don’t know what i’m expecting by reaching out to people. there isn’t anything someone can suggest to fix my situation and i feel bad reaching out when i know there isn’t anything because i don’t want others to feel bad for not knowing what to do. i mean even my therapist that i had a while ago couldn’t offer any solution except for “you’ll have to wait to move out”. so it’s just really discouraging to even have a professional not even know how to help. i’m just rambling about nothing at this point, but i feel lost and hopeless i guess.

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I’m serious. Anything you need, if it be in my power, i will help. You havent exhausted them. It may seem that way, but you havent. You are here reaching out, which shows you still have some form of hope, regardless of how small it might be, it’s still there. You’re right, i cant offer a true founded solution, but that inability is not going to stop me from trying.

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seriously thank you so much for offering and even just talking to me, it means a lot. accepting money or anything of the sort makes me feel guilty though and honestly the only way i would accept money is if someone was buying my art. but like really i wouldn’t want someone to feel guilted into buying or getting me anything just because i posted saying i felt bad.

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I love art! Edgar Degas is my favorite impressionist. His pastel ballerinas are the best. What kind of art do you do?

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i usually do digital art, i don’t exactly have a specific “style” since i only started a couple years ago. i’ll have to look into that artist though, i love pastel stuff.

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Hey @limeytea,

It is true that we can’t necessarily change the environment you are living in, but we can still support you when you feel at the edge of breaking down. We can still listen and encourage you to do what’s needed - and possible - to take care of yourself. But I get what you mean. I struggle with things that people can’t change either, the more I can ask sometimes is an ear to listen. But when I hear things like “I wish I could help you more/I feel bad because I can’t help”, it makes me want to shut down and stop reaching out. But it’s not fair either.

It’s kind of you to be concerned by others reactions and well-being. But no worries, that’s okay. Wanting to help someone is also the manifestion of love and there is nothing wrong with that.

I’m glad you posted this. Glad you pushed away those thoughts telling you that you don’t want to bother anyone. Because you don’t. We care about you, sincerely. You are not a burden because of what you are going through. Never. <3

We already discussed a little together and I remember what you shared about your home. It truly breaks my heart to hear that this is something you can’t control or change immediately. As I grew up, the thing that allowed me to hold on was the perspective of leaving my family one day. I didn’t know when, but I knew it would happen and I wouldn’t be stuck with them forever. This day will arrive for you too. There will be a moment when you will live in a place where you won’t have to be confronted to the reminders of your trauma or toxic people. You will be okay. A lot can happen in only one year or even just a few months. So please, don’t give up on your yourself and on your future. In the meantime, there are certainly things that you can do to actively take care of yourself. Starting by making sure that you cover your very first needs like eating and drinking enough water, getting some fresh air a bit everyday as well.

I know it’s hard to keep going on when you feel constantly drained by your environment. It feels more like surviving than living. We may not be there right now, but somehow we are with you. You are not alone, friend.

I see that you enjoy digital art - that’s awesome! Being creative is incredibly helpful. Despite the fact that I had a difficult childhood, I have many good memories that are always related to creativity and/or entertainement! I cherish those memories so much. It’s like very precious treasures to me and it brings some peace to my heart. I hope your own relation with creativity is also powerful and restorative. We need tools and places that allows us to escape and be ourselves. :hrtlegolove:

Are you on Danjo’s Discord (a.k.a DanMakesHisMark on Twitch)? It’s a creativity-focused community. You can share your art there - if you’re comfortable with that! It would be awesome to see it and support you as we can! - Here is an invite link: https://discord.gg/yQBt4W

I know my words are not much, but I wanted to remind you today that we see you here and you are loved. And if waiting to move out is the only thing you can hold on to right now, then we’ll all wait with you.

Love. :hrtlegolove:

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thank you so much for responding :slight_smile: and i have joined the discord now. i can’t quite think of a good response to your message (my brain is static right now lol) but i really do appreciate everything you’ve said. thanks so much, genuinely.

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I hope things will get better soon. Life is complicated but we need to fight! Don’t give up! Maybe this can help you a little https://youtu.be/L33djEEMEE8
Keep going!

thank you, i really appreciate that

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I am not with you on that I am in the same thing no boyfriend. I am a Christian who believes in praying and god can help.

If you are pray with me we can get through this.

If you pray sorry is what I am trying to say

God just blessed me with a job. I am in fear but I am going to believe.

Or talk to me and we can still get through it.

i appreciate the sentiment, but i was traumatized by christianity and i don’t believe it anyway. thank you for the offer and reaching out though, it’s much appreciated.

No problem thank you keep going girl

You rock remember that because the post character said so

thank you haha but i’m not a girl