First let me apologize to all of those that I’ve hurt in the past year and a half. I never meant to hurt any of you and I love you guys a lot. But yesterday my world came crashing down. I got high… I know I shouldn’t have… and I lashed out to some of the people I love the most. I was not only mad at myself but mad at some life situations and took it out on the wrong people. I got blocked by three people in this world that I love so much and I feel like shit.
I said things I didn’t mean because I was hurting and I don’t think there’s any going back. I’ve tried to message all of them to apologize but I’ve had no luck. Why did I hurt them when all they every did was love me? I’m so fucking stupid… I guess since I’ve forced myself out because of decisions I’ve made I just want to say I love all of you and I’m so so sorry.
I’ve been told for a long time that they would never leave no matter how far I pushed them away. And I believed it. And the fact that I’m a big enough piece of crap to push them away makes me question my worth and the point of my existence. I always said the moment that these people left would be the moment I had the peace to go forever. But I’m not ready to go. I love them too much. I just wish I could take last night and had never let it happen. I regret it all. But it’s too late. They’re gone… I can only be mad at hate myself for it. And I already do.
I know you’re hurting. Sometimes time and space will make everything better. I know it hurts now but if they are true friends they’ll accept your apology (after time and space) and come back. Some people are meant to come into our lives and change us temporarily and others for life. These might’ve just been temporary people. I know it’s hard and easier said than done but try not to beat yourself up over mistakes. Shit happens and we have to learn from mistakes and move on.
I am so sorry you are feeling isolated, alone, and regretting actions against your friends. This is a very difficult position to be in, and regret can be so consuming.
I want to recognize you know you made a mistake. It’s so important to repair situations, to recognize you have done something that you wish you had not.
However, just because you are blocked, does not mean it is over. That was their way of telling you they had enough. And by your own recognition, it was not a comfortable spot for them to be in. The next step to healing is to handle this as if they were watching. Be the best you. That is all you can do at this point.
Loving someone who hurts you, or is going through a difficult time, can be very hard. Do your best to recognize that they may just need space, or perhaps it’s the best for them to put some distance between you and them. Love them from a distance, and focus more love on yourself.
You can overcome this. You can discard the regret and look toward a future that you believe in.
Be well my friend.