I think I need help (trigger sh)

[Thistle]

So today I cut for the first time in over a year and two months. I’ve self-harmed in other ways but before today I managed to stay away from cutting. It wasn’t even the usual reasons. I did it because my paranoia got really bad and I was convinced that if I didn’t cut myself and bleed, then people would break into my house and kill me. I guess it just scared me with how good it felt afterward, like a wave of calmness comparable to being high. I’ve been scared to relapse, but now I’m really scared that I’m going to.

In general, my moods have been worse, and the same with my intrusive thoughts. It sounds like someone is screaming inside my head, telling me to hurt people I care about or to jump in front of a train. I’ve been delusional several times and even possibly manic. I’ve had several panic attacks during day. Most of the time I’m either empty or I feel everything at once and I can’t bear it. It’s like I’m laughing/crying or just a wall of ice. I’m bored a lot of the time and it feels like there’s this empty hole inside of me that never gets sealed up. it gets closed up sometimes when I find a good show/movie or if I’m with friends or high, but it always opens up again. My friends are worried about me because they think I might be becoming an addict and I’m worried too. My meds aren’t working anymore and I’m scared a lot of the time. Most of the time, I just want that feeling of calm nothingness.

Just kind of wanted to get this off my chest. I know its what therapists are for, but I’m scared to talk to mine about most of this. I’m talking to a psychiatrist soon and I’m hoping there will be some improvements.

I guess if you have any advice on how to talk to therapists/psychiatrists about this stuff, could you let me know? And any good movies/tv shows because those are always a good distraction.

Thanks,
Thistle

[Mystrose]

@Thistle

My meds aren’t working anymore and I’m scared a lot of the time.

Hey @Thistle It sounds like you’re having a rough time. I’m sorry and I hope that you are ok and took care of your cut. Remember why you stopped last time and how you coped when you were tempted. Try to use those coping skills again and you will get stronger. I think it’s really great that you were clean for that long, it’s amazing.

You know, meds need to have adjustments every now and then. If you’re in some type of therapy, it might be a good idea to ask about that. It sounds like we share some of the same symptoms and I can tell when I need a med adjustment when I have break thru voices or the paranoia gets really horrible. I’m starting therapy really soon for a meds adjustment because it has gotten really bad.

I’m sorry that your parents are not taking your mental health seriously. I wonder if there is anyone else in your life you can talk to that could help. I hope you find some peace. I know how hard it is to go thru some of the things you do, remember to try and ground yourself when it gets bad.

[Sita]

Hi there,

You had an amazing streak so a big congrats on that. There is nothing to fear in talking to your therapist. They’re there to help you, not judge you. In fact, they want you to be open and honest about what’s going on, how you’re feeling so that they know how best to provide support to you.

I hope you do get a meds tweak and that it helps with those symptoms a bit. Keep strong friend. And thank you for sharing here with us! We love you and you matter to us!