So today I cut for the first time in over a year and two months. I’ve self-harmed in other ways but before today I managed to stay away from cutting. It wasn’t even the usual reasons. I did it because my paranoia got really bad and I was convinced that if I didn’t cut myself and bleed, then people would break into my house and kill me. I guess it just scared me with how good it felt afterward, like a wave of calmness comparable to being high. I’ve been scared to relapse, but now I’m really scared that I’m going to.
In general, my moods have been worse, and the same with my intrusive thoughts. It sounds like someone is screaming inside my head, telling me to hurt people I care about or to jump in front of a train. I’ve been delusional several times and even possibly manic. I’ve had several panic attacks during day. Most of the time I’m either empty or I feel everything at once and I can’t bear it. It’s like I’m laughing/crying or just a wall of ice. I’m bored a lot of the time and it feels like there’s this empty hole inside of me that never gets sealed up. it gets closed up sometimes when I find a good show/movie or if I’m with friends or high, but it always opens up again. My friends are worried about me because they think I might be becoming an addict and I’m worried too. My meds aren’t working anymore and I’m scared a lot of the time. Most of the time, I just want that feeling of calm nothingness.
Just kind of wanted to get this off my chest. I know its what therapists are for, but I’m scared to talk to mine about most of this. I’m talking to a psychiatrist soon and I’m hoping there will be some improvements.
I guess if you have any advice on how to talk to therapists/psychiatrists about this stuff, could you let me know? And any good movies/tv shows because those are always a good distraction.