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I think I want to die again


#1

I honestly don’t know where he begin with this. It’ll be really long and confusing probably, but please bear with me.
I’m only sixteen years old and I’m already having a mega existential crisis. Basically it started with me wondering if all this pain that this Earth goes through will even matter in the end. Everything we do is just trying to delay our inevitable death, and when life gives you more pain than joy, what is the point of continuing? What if all we do on this stupid planet ends up being for nothing? I’m scared that all the pain and trauma I’ve been through is for nothing. I’m just so sick of everything. I’m tired of trying, I’m tired of being alone, and I’m tired of this self loathing. I am coming to the conclusion that there really isn’t much of a point in staying on this planet when this pain heavily outweighs the good that has happened to me. Currently I am six weeks clean from self harm (almost seven) but I might break that tonight because everything hurts. My little baby sister recently was admitted to a psych ward for suicidal thoughts and self harm. Her best friend raped her a while back. It just makes me so angry at the world and myself. My little sister did nothing to deserve any of this pain. I love her to death. She is so beautiful. But I’m angry at myself because I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let a single one of my precious siblings go through the same things I have. I hated that visiting her triggered me so much too. I’m just sick of myself in general. I desperately wish I was straight so the people I love would love me and not just the parts that aren’t “unnatural” or “sinful”, I’m sick of how scarred my skin is, I’m sick of how weak I’ve become, I’m sick of dealing with the trauma of rape and suicide attempts and emotional abuse and of other things I refuse to talk about. Is there even a point in staying on Earth at all? Everything just hurts. I’m sorry this is long. And I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense.
-Emma


#2

Emma,
Almost seven weeks, that’s great! Now go for months, and years.
Right now, things all seem down, and you’re wondering what the point is.
There is a point, because beyond the hurt, beyond the darkness, is light. Things will get better, but only if you allow them to be. Find a hobby: I find that going to the range or baking bread helps me destress. Find something that you can do that helps take your mind off of the pain. You may find that life is at least a bit more bearable. Your sister needs you right now, and you can’t be there for her if you’re 6 feet deep or in a hospital because you harmed again. A hobby can be as good for you as it can be for those around you.

Stay strong, you are loved
-Danny


#3

Thank you Danny. I actually do special effects makeup and that helps me a lot. I appreciate the support. Thank you for the kind words


#4

No problem, and if you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me, I’ll reply ASAP


#5

Thank you! I really appreciate it


#6

I trought like that when I was 15. Every night I trought about suicide (thank Gods I was too much of coward). The think that helped me most was music. I tried talking about it to my parents, they said it will go away by itself. But you know it doesn’t work that way. One person said to me that good days will come and I should welcome them with smile on my face. I am not saying you should forget this phase of you life I am saying that you should move from it. Fuck what world says about you at least until you throw away suicidal thoughts. Bee there for you sister. If you commit suicide you will leave her alone. No you won’t do it bei you love her as the saying goes blood is stronger than water. Stay strong. At the end one of the most motivating thinks I heard was from Hardcore Henry : Will you keep lieing on ground and swallowing your blood or will you get up and make them swallow theirs???


#7

There is a lot I have to say here

I have felt really similar to how you feel right now. I dont have the same life experiences but I hope that what we all said here, helps


#8

Thank you for this. I really appreciate your kind words. Music has also saved me countless times.


#9

Thank you I will be sure to watch this when I get the time :heart:


#10

I want to say thank you for this. You really inspired me today. Thank you so much for caring. I’m going to stay for now. Thank you for your kind words. Thank for taking time out of your day to say this to me. Thank you most of all for caring. I really appreciate it. Stay strong friend. Thank you for sharing your story.