Back to heartsupport

I think i will end it soon

I dont know how to create tags so here they are: TW depression suicide hopelessness.

Hi everyone. I am going to kill myself soon. Honestly i think it is for the best. I dont realy want to do anything. I thought that high school was bad and was told that University is better. It is not. You had to go to high school but you should want to go to university. You should want to be somebody and work hard for it. The only thing i really wanted for most of my life is to disappear. People say that you have to to try hard and fight for your life to be somewhat decent or even good but when you tell them that you want to die they get mad and tell you you that you are a terrible person. Maybe i am. I have been deprsessed for several years but even on antidepressants i might not want to die so much but i still dont want to live. I tried to kill myself when i was 13 and then when i was 19 and honestly i regret not dying. In both cases it was painful and the second time i ended up in hospital. I was hospitalized in the psych word after that and the thing i learned is that it is not a place i want to be in ever again and that it is a place where you go not to die but not for help. I feel guilty most of the time because other people have it worse than me and here i am not being able to deal with life that is better than theirs. I dont like myself and want to end it. I feel bad about my family and friends because my death will hurt them but seeing me slowly fade and die from the inside and fail isnt any better. I hate faking being fine but it is the only thing i can do but not for much longer. I hate being me being here and being alive. I think life is a prison and i want to escape. I dont want my life to be better i want my life to end. I might be selfish and i probably am but i allready am a lying trash of a person so it is not that big of a change. Anyway thanks for reading this rant. I hope to you all that your days are better than mine and that you are a better person than me. This might be the last time i write something here so i wish you all good luck.

Sorry for any spelling errors i am writing this on a phone.

7 Likes

Hey , Ashwell. I am so sorry for how lost and hopeless you are feeling. I understand that. Life is beyond challenging but I really think you need to contact a crisis line or someone and let them know how you are feeling. Life sucks now but I think in the future you’d regret ending things. There is so much you still have yet to experience in life. If you erase yourself now you end your story. You wont get to see any of the good. I understand you feel you are okay with that. You just want the pain to end. But you truly dont want to die. You just need that escape. You are so loved & cared for friend. Things dont have to end like this. Please please reach out. What do you have to loose ? Ive been there. Ive wanted to end things too and despite my life not being easier now, I am so glad I never did. Shortly after I wanted to kill myself and almost did I found a love for art and found it to be a great escape/ coping mechanism & area of joy for my life. How do you know your art isnt right around the corner? That tomorrow you might find something that helps? Please stay.

4 Likes

Hi Ashwell. I just want to say I hear you. No one can make you want to be alive, in the same way we can’t tell people they should want to be dead. I feel the same way as you, especially as I get older. And I also relate to the feeling of being pissed off at those who call someone ‘selfish’ or ‘ungrateful’ for not being effin happy. Did we ask to be brought into existence? No. I often feel like I’m going through the motions for some goal assigned to me by society or the people around me. I don’t think our purpose is to follow that. That’s what’s kept me going so far. Is that most days I’m trying my best to choose to do what I want to do on the most part and that makes things a little bit more bearable, and sometimes even enjoyable. Also I really hate pain so there’s that. If you wanna talk about it some more, feel free to reply or contact me.

4 Likes

Hi thanks for the reply. I honestly am glad people replied. It did not change my mind but it is nice to say these things openly and not hide them because you are supposed to be grateful happy and goal oriented. I hate that i am the cause of pain for people around me but i honestly cant keep being somebody i am not. I think some people only like you as long as they dont realy know you. Anyway thanks for the reply i hope you are doing better than me.

3 Likes

Hey @Ashwell,

First off, thank you so much for trusting this space here. I hear you and it sounds that you’ve met your share of people who didn’t listen, and even who judged you, which doesn’t make it easy to be vulnerable when it’s needed. But you did. You’ve shared this raw expression of your heart, and I want you to know that absolutely no one is going to judge you here. Actually, many people in this community can relate to how you feel, despite having different stories and journeys than yours.

I can say that I relate to how you feel. To be honest, it’s been a couple of years that I’ve been learning to manage these thoughts in a way that give space to hope as well, but for sure it didn’t happen in just a day. Like you, I’ve been depressed for a very long time (since I was a kid, and I’m 28 now). When I look at my life, I see a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, and it feels like all the abuse and violence I’ve endured constantly mark different crossroads in my life. It’s really, really hard to feel like our own story is conditioned by pain. That the paths we follow are, directly or even just indirectly, the consequence of the pain that we feel internally, and the one that was inflicted on us. In the long run, depression has even this way to make it worse by making us used to the pain as if it was part of ourselves, part of our personality, like a deep component of who we are.

I hear you. I feel for you. And I still hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. It’s unfair that so many of us have to survive for so long instead of truly living, as if we had to earn our right to exist. But still through our pain and singular experiences, we can learn to thrive together. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that you are not here by mistake. You didn’t decide to create an account for a post right here just because “why not”. It can be hard to be honest with ourselves when we are hurting and want to give up, but I believe there is a part of yourself that actually doesn’t want to give up, and I think this part is worth acknowledging and to be given a chance. I know it’s scary.

I know it feels safer to shout out a big: screw it! Your pain is real, valid, and has to be heard. But I also want to encourage this stubborn part of your heart that craves for something different, to exist as much as the one that is disappointed by life itself right now. You are not defeated. You are hurting. But in this pain, a lot of strength can be gathered, and it can be done in a different way than how it was before. You didn’t have a good experience with going inpatient? Then let’s make sure that you wouldn’t have to experience that again, friend. You feel like the help you’ve received wasn’t effective so far? Then let’s reflect on what wasn’t working. Let’s slow down and think about different options. Medications can be a crutch for example, but it’s true that 1/ we need time to find the right one sometimes and 2/ the hard work still has to be done within ourselves, and oftentimes with the help of a professional.

My point is: you are not beyond help. You are not beyond hope. You are navigating some very deep and painful thoughts and emotions, but resilience and thriving are still within your reach. Being in the right environment, using the right tools, finding the right people to support you, is part of this healing journey. Depression sucks. It’s one of the heaviest struggles in my life and so many days I keep wondering what’s the point. These moments of wonder don’t disappear easily. But we can learn to integrate what’s worth fighting for. All the reminders of what is good, what is worth to keep pushing on in this life, in this world.

I’m personally still not fighting for myself, and God knows this space between my two ears is not a friendly place to myself. But I’ve learned to turn this dark energy into a fuel for love. I still don’t know the recipe that makes someone love themselves, but I want to keep on fighting or the love I can give to others, for the support I can provide both personally and professionally, for the positive mark I can try to leave in this messy, ugly world. I want to fight for being an agent of what I’m unable to give to myself fully. I want to give others what I didn’t have when I needed to: an ear to listen, a mind to understand, a heart to love. These are worth fighting for, my friend.

There is an injustice happening every time someone struggles with depression in such a deep way. And there is injustice everytime we allow it to take the best of ourselves. I see, through your words and through your pain, that you feel this injustice very deeply. Which is why I want to invite this more rebel part of your heart to stand up for itself, to keep fighting against this injustice, to do what is right, and somehow in your heart you know that disappearing is not part of it. I’m standing right next to you on this battle that shouldn’t be one. Somehow we didn’t choose to deal with this life as it is now, but we still have the power to learn to compose with it, maybe in a way that would be even more loving and impactful than someone who wouldn’t have been in this same, deep spot. Through your pain can radiate a very radical love, acceptance and care, for others but also for yourself. I believe in you and your capacity not to give up on yourself, to keep on fighting for what is right, including for yourself.

I don’t want to be a statistic. I don’t want you to be one either. I want to listen to you. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to hear your story and what makes you, you. There’s no one to replace this soul, spirit and heart of yours. And I know it’s selfish of me to express my wish after reading your post. Consider this as just a very humble cry from the heart of a stranger, a call from someone who cares, from someone who understands how it feels to be determined to end it all, how it feels to be in this deep moment of loneliness and disconnection from the rest of the world.

You’re not too far gone though. Nothing is written already. We are holding your hand, willing to support you, to encourage you, and I will keep believing in you and your capacity to make the right decision. You belong, even if this world has failed you until now. Not everyone is going to keep walking without noticing you or your pain. I see you. You’re not alone. And I truly, entirely, believe in you and in your capacity to decide what would be loving and healthy.

Hold Fast, friend. There’s so much beauty within you that still needs to unfold. :hrtlegolove:

4 Likes

Hey @Ashwell ,

The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. Hold fast friend, and lean on our community.

2 Likes

Thank you Micro. I am currenly in a psych ward and i have been healing. I am on a new antidepressant and i am in a therapy group. There has also been some trauma i have been dealing with and it really helps. Thank you for your support. Much love. Ashwell.

3 Likes

Thank you so much for the updates, @Ashwell. It sounds that you’re really taking the bull by the horns. Medications, therapy, psych ward are an intense, yet very healthy combination of support. Trauma is not something we can forget, but we can surely learn to compose with it in a way that would not make us stuck in the same dark rut forever. You are growing, healing, and the most beautiful part of it is that this growth belongs to you. It is the result of your strength, your resilience, your perseverance and your beauty.

I’m sitting right next to you on this journey. You are doing so well. Keep us updated, if that’s okay for you. Hold fast, friend. :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes