.i think im a lesbian and idk how to feel

skip to next bolded line to avoid my life story

tw - sh, ed, depression, suicide, rambling, novel ass topic, etc

so for a long time, i’ve struggled with my identity. i first started exploring it during covid and such because like there was the whole acceptance thing and everyone was inside blah blah. before that, tho, i’ve contemplated if i liked girls. i wasn’t too sure cus i was like 7 or something, but then i got called a lesbian by this old friend of mine in like 4th grade. i was like “wtf is a lesbian” and she (the friend) was like, “you like to kiss girls” or something.

  • something important i should mention is that my elementary school went from preK-6th grade, my middle school going from 7th-8th grade, and my highschool as normal

anyways, that was just my first exposure to queerness i guess. but, when i was on summer break (6th grade going into 7th), i started to explore myself more and learn a lot about the queer community. i started exploring identities, using a lot of labels in a kinda short time span. i went from bisexual asexual (she/her), demisexual demigirl (she/they), something else i forgot, lithromantic??, transmasc nonbinary (he/they), trans omnisexual (ftm, he/him or they/them). these labels spanned from my summer break to my 7th grade year.

during my 7th grade year, as i was released back into the wild and allowed to go to school in person, i started dressing/looking androdgynous or however the fuck you spell it. i cut my hair short, renamed myself, and dressed the way i wanted to (which most of my white, cis, straight classmates called emo and f@ggy but its whatever).

did i get bullied? yeah, because i was a kid going out of the norm, and anything not normal and non conforming was bad!!! i spent a lot of time dissasociating, crying in the bathroom, having meltdowns in the bathroom, wasting time in the bathroom, eating lunch in the bathroom.

yeah i was pretty lonely (and severely depressed, unmedicated (for depression, anxiety, and adhd)).

at the end of the year, i was fat, chronically depressed, and unsure of what i was anymore. i decided that summer (7th grade to 8th grade) that i would detransition to stop being bullied. i confided in my parents that i thought about making it all stop and that if i went away nobody would miss me. i wasn’t suicidal (i think, i had a “plan” / vision that i would do it by overdosing), i described it later as wanting to sleep for a very long time.

sorry anyways, i forced myself to use she/her pronouns, go by my name given at birth, and tell everyone i was straight now, that it was “just a phase”. but when i told people that i was straight, my stomach twisted and i felt like i had just lied to my mom or something.

it didn’t feel right. i didn’t like it. i didn’t know what i was or what label could fit me this time, so i let the (what i call) “autistic” side of my brain to take over and just say, fuck it, i’m unlabeled. i had / have a friend that’s unlabeled (idk if she is anymore), so i guess i got inspo from that.

i didn’t tell people i was unlabeled, but people had questions (as they do).

“are you still weird?”
“weren’t you the trans gay kid?”
“didn’t you go by toby?”
“im confused. so you like boys and girls, but you’re not bi?”
“just say you’re bisexual, nobody knows what being ‘queer’ is.”
“okay, but if you had to choose, bisexual or pansexual?”

i was tired of it. i was tired having a label, i was tired of not having a label. i just said “i dunno” and moved on. i made up excuses for myself like i didn’t want to think about it too hard, it’s just my oversimplistic “black and white” autism speaking, i don’t need to explain myself anyways, i don’t care if i’m a boy or a girl, and no, i’m fine with being a girl.

i didn’t like being in the dark about my identity. i forced myself to go by “queer” with my close friends and family, otherwise i would shut up about it, i was straight. i didn’t want to think about it for too long becuase then i’d start to wonder if i even like having a gender.

i am comfortable with people calling me a girl, dressing like a girl, doing my hair like a girl, doing makeup pretty and all that stuff.

hi bolded line here heres my actual vent or whatever

one day, i was scrolling on tiktok, and i came across a post that said “comphet lesbian”. i didn’t know what the fuck that was, like many other people, so i looked it up on tiktok search.

“comphet” lesbian, or compulsory heterosexulaity, is a term first suggested by adrienne rich in 1980, stating, “the theory that heterosexuality is assumed and enforced upon people by a patriarchal and heteronormative society.” (Compulsory heterosexuality - Wikipedia). a comphet lesbian is just someone who assumes (put very simply) that a hetero relationship is supposed to feel uncomfortable, and since society is so heteronormative, there is no room for other options. (read https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/t9xylu/comphet_explained_simply/ for more)

as i kept on seeing and reading more experiences of comphet lesbians, the more and more i started resonating with them. i realized it wasn’t normal to dread texting your “talking stage”, or never wanting to see them in person, or not wanting to kiss them, and only find them romantically attractive in unnatainable scenarios made up in my head.

i combatted my own theory of being a lesbian because i still liked celebrities, or i still found fictional men attractive, or something like that.

but then i found out that was also a “symptom” of being a comphet lesbian.

i wasn’t sure if i wanted to induldge myself in this thinking, afraid i would start delving into complicated labels again. i tried telling my best friend, who said that she figured i was a lesbian anyways.

i’m afraid to come out again, only because of my “reputation” and the stigma against lesbians. i really am afraid of being bullied again, even though i’m in highschool now. i guess i dont have to come out, but i guess i’m still afraid to.

idk this was a long ramble and my head hurts

2 Likes

First, I want you to know that there are people who care about you and are accepting of you as you are, as God made you. I am an older straight guy, but I have heard many times from gay/lesbian friends and family how, in childhood and adolescence, they felt somehow “weird”, but couldn’t point to actually what that was. In adolescence, they found themselves attracted to the same sex, or perhaps themselves genderfluid. Often they turned to drugs or alcohol to ease the pain of their confusion. PLEASE DON’T GO DOWN THAT PATH! Please first accept for yourself who you are. It may be painful, but when you are comfortable, coming out to family and friends may be healing and liberating. Being lesbian is not just wanting to kiss women. It is psychological, sociological, spiritual, political. We live, despite of the progress of gay rights and feminism, in a patriarchal society where modern “feminism” is just patriarchalism in drag. You WILL find some other people will always be homophobes. So finding other lesbian women and having conversations about their sexuality (in all its aspects) will help you celebrate your sexual identity. They may be people you meet in person, people online, or people in books. Reading about the history of lesbian women (why is the term lesbian used, anyway?) and their struggles and liberating actions may help you, comfort you to know that you are not alone, and your sexuality is not just physical, but psychological, social, and even spiritual.

1 Like