This goes especially for my mom, let’s say, she wasted all of her energies for me. She got all of her blood sucked away because of me. And yet I simply cannot make her proud even one bit. I realised this long ago so I had my time to improve but I simply can’t. I genuinely want to make her happy for once bacause I know she has it rough but I mentally can’t do it. Im gonna take my school as an example. First year of highschool, and right in the last moment when I finally got into the highschool i originally wanted to go to, i changed my mind and decided to go to another high school that i thought was better for me. But the amount of work my mom had to do just for me to transfer schools, and yet, after all that work for me to be in this school, I still didnt do anything useful for her to think that i deserved to be transferred. One of the main elements is homework. Every fucking day, she keeps telling to do homework, at some point it annoys me a lot because she says it so many times, i rrally wanna tell her that I mentally cant do homework, and no its not just with homework, or anything that includes studying, its also my daily activities etc. But shes obviously gonna use my phone as an excuse and that im lazy. So although, most of the times im probably just a disappointment to her, i wish she could atleast take in consideration my feelings, I personally dont really show myself considering her feelings aswell but I do care about them, I indeed wish I could make her proud, but if i cant even make myself proud then imagine me making proud others. Honestly the amount of money my family wastes on me, i just want to disappear forever so they wont have to worry for a waste like me. Although the death of a loving family member may be depressing atleast they would be able to financially to support the whole family more
Welcome to heart support, Kel!
So glad you’re here.
It sounds like you feel like you’re being pushed to continue to keep working harder, does that sound right? Maybe sometimes people don’t fully understand how sometimes homework and other activities can be a little harder for some people, and that doesn’t mean that you or anyone who struggles are incapable of doing the work, but maybe needs a different approach.
Do you think if you sat down and wrote your mum a letter about how you are feeling and what you are struggling with she would be receptive to it?
This way it could be that you’re able to really think about how you want to express yourself without the pressure of someone interrupting or making you feel nervous or not worth being heard. And also this way your mum can sit with your words and get her initial reaction out of the way and to be able to really sit with where your heart is at.
I just want to leave a final note that you are worthy and loved and that your words are worth being heard
Hi Kel, Welcome to Heartsupport, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, I would like to say that everthing that @ManekiNeko has said to you is what I would have said so I will not repeat that all. The only addition I would like to add is that I am in no doubt what so ever that you are loved by you Mum so very much and there is nothing you can or cannot do that would make her not want you around. You are her precious child. there is nothing more important than that. much love Lisa. x
thank you for joining this forum and thank you especially for your vulnerability and openness to share what’s weighing on your heart. i know for a fact that your mom supported you through these things because she wants the best for you. the whole “do your homework” struggle is seen in almost every household - heck, i went through those orders also. you’re doing your best, my friend. i encourage you to speak transparently with your mom about your concerns, thoughts, and any emotions you feel like you did so well in this post. these thoughts of ending your life are not your end. you have so much love and life to give. so please ask for the support you deserve, i know your family will be thankful you did.
It sounds like you’re holding a lot of self-directed pain, and it shows in the way you talk about yourself. It’s worth considering that you deserve to treat yourself much better, although it may not be so simple right now.
It can be hard to accept that your academic performance is not a reflection of you as a person or your worth when you’re surrounded by people or a society that promotes the opposite. Especially when you struggle to do even daily activities, the idea of getting homework done can be even more intimidating. Please know you’re not alone in this, and you’re not a disappointment.
It seems like your mom doesn’t fully understand what you’re going through. Do you feel comfortable having a conversation with your mom? If you think she is a safe person to confide in about this, it may be worth opening up to her, and maybe she can offer to support you.
I hope I could help. We’re here for you.
Hey Kel – so awesome that you are joining us here. We hear you and care deeply about the dark place you find yourself in right now. Can I say that I read huge love for your Mom and your family in what you write. I also read huge concern and love from your Mom for you as well – maybe confused and panicked even, but intense emotion means intense caring. Just to start, you might consider writing out some of what you feel for her and for your family cause your heart is pure.
Also, remember that how schools tend to evaluate students is very one dimensional – your unique gifts are unfolding for years to come – school may be a stumbling block. That is an important conversation that can happen with good counselors.
This is a journey worth taking. I believe you will find a right fit in this world and I bet no-one wants that more for you than your Mom.
Stay steady and let us know.
Welcome to Heart Support!
I’m sorry that you’re struggling with getting your mother to understand that you’re not lazy, that instead you’re actually struggling with doing your homework done and other things in your daily life. I’m wondering if there is a way you can sit down with her and explain how you’re feeling and what you’re struggling with. Maybe if she understood better, she wouldn’t tell you to do your homework so much, but be more helpful and understanding.
You could even write her a letter explaining everything if it’s too hard to talk to her face to face. Just an idea. Take care, you matter!