Nothing is ever going to get better for me. I envision my future as something so unrealistic. I’ve tried for the past year to get my mental health to a bearable state but it just gets worse and worse every day. Some days I’m in a good mood for a maximum of an hour and that’s enough to make that day not be bad but the rest are always terrible. I feel like i’m emotionally numb 80% of the time and the rest i’m either crying or hitting something. It’d be so easy to die and just end everything… I don’t have the guts to do it but maybe if I just pulled the trigger then it’d all end so quick and I wouldn’t even know. All of my happy memories are barely even happy and I don’t feel like i’ll ever get better. In the previous post, I said that my mom found out about my depression and she’s done nothing about it. i’ve just been yelled at and giving disappointed remarks even more than I usually get. Not only her but none of my friends care about me anymore. I hardly talk to anybody and i’m alone everyday. I’ve tried getting into hobbies to help cheer myself up but my parents never do anything to help me get into them even though i’ve asked numerous times. My mom uses her cancer as an excuse for everything and I never get to be sad because then she will just say i’m sad over her cancer and truth be told, it’s not even on the list of things that upset me anymore. At times, I think she deserves it for ever having cared about me and always putting her problems on to me. But, I know that thinking like that would make me a terrible person and I don’t want to be terrible. I just want to make everyone or at least my self happy and I can’t do either of those. So why don’t I just give up and take my own life? There’s no point in my being on earth anymore. Nobody would even genuinely miss me.
I also have a question for this. If I call the suicide hotline just to speak to somebody, would they alert my parents or send somebody to my house? I just want to hear somebody’s voice…
@echo I’d ladly chat with ya about anything, I’m a fellow artist who struggles from time to time with depression and loneliness.
An to awenser that last text yes totally talk to the suicide hotline. I was in a very dark spot in my life a while ago was on the phone with them for probably over two hours. It definitely helped me alot more than I thought it would.
Best of luck 
@echo first I am so sorry you feel your only option right now is take your own life I know that feeling all too well I am sorry that really sucks. Sadly sometimes what we desire others to help with they may not know how to help. I personally have began to see that my own love for life has to come from me. I know you mentioned how some days it is only an hour a day and rare that you are happy. Can I ask what you do in those small hours that make you happy? Can i ask do you do things like let’s see try and talk to a friend even because I know for me I sometimes on my bad days which like you if I get stuck all i see is what makes me unhappy. Let me give an example so I do not do a lot in my life because of disabilities I have but sometimes I may have worse days. One of those recently was a day where EVERYTHING seemed to be going wrong my service dog wasnt behaving right, my health was being awful, I couldnt calm down from flashbacks and stuff and I legit was about to just chug the whole day away when I said you know what let’s make something out of it. I ended up going and getting chocolate a food I love and saying hey look today may have been rough but you got chocolate today and I had coffee earlier. I may not have been able to find joy in everyday things but I can make some. Dont forget that sometimes we need to figuratively stop and smell the Rose’s so like in my case the Rose’s were the snacks and coffee I had they may not be super super awesome but it was a spark of joy.
On your question about the hotline nope they wont it is a service that provides help when needed. You dont have to give personal info if you dont want too.
Hold fast
Ash
You don’t need to share about it - no pressure or anything intended -, but I hope you’re doing okay and you managed to call the suicide hotline. It’s good to know that it was your intention, as this service can be of a great help when you feel vulnerable.
I recalled what you shared recently on the other post. And I’ve got to say… if your mom actually uses cancer as an excuse to ignore your struggles then it’s just terrible and I’m really sorry about this. As your relationship with her seems to be really difficult for the moment, maybe it’s also based on the way you see this situation. But anyway, she should be able to distinguish the impact of her illness on you and the other things you’re going through, especially if you reach out and ask for help. It is certainly a highly difficult season in your lives, for all of you. And maybe it’s difficult for you and your parents to know how to handle all of this, to have an effective communication as well. When there are so many things happening at the same time for people who are living in the same place, it can seem to be chaotic for everyone because you’re all experiencing strong emotions. And even though your preoccupations and priorites are different right now, it doesn’t make you a bad person at all. You also deserve to breath and you’re leading your own battles. It has to be ackwnoledged and understood.
You’re not heard even though you asked for help, and that’s not fair. Your parents should be supportive or, at least, if they feel like they can’t be for the moment, they should be honest about it so you don’t feel alon. But no matter what, your voice matters and you matter.
What I know for sure is that taking your own life is not a solution. I hear you. I know it’s really tough right now. But you still have a future and possibilities to get your head out of the water. Depression is a heavy beast, but you can beat it. It won’t improve in a day, but progressively, with steps forward and backwards. And in the long run you’ll see the difference. You’ll see the progress you’ve made. @disabledmetalfan just shared a really great advice by asking you what small steps you can take for yourself and for your well-being.
It’s hard when you don’t feel supported by your own family. So I’d like you to keep in mind that you have a family here in this community as well. We may not be there next to you, but we’re here anyway and we care about you. Hang in there.
Hey, you matter. You are here for a reason. You are not alone. We are here for you. Please, don’t give up! Keep fighting! I want to share a video with you https://youtu.be/L33djEEMEE8 I really hope it will help you
Hey friend, Thank you for sharing. Honestly, you sound like me back in 2014, my mom was sick and I just wanted to die. It was also the same year I get something that shockingly changed my life, I got an MMO game. It helped me free myself from my bad relationship, Find a better one and given me a place to heal. Please friend don’t give up, I know it’s hard for you right now but there is a solution for you out there. Just keep pushing for it, it may take a lot longer than you would like and you may want to give up and feel like this struggle is too much for you. But trust me There is a you that is happy, that is cheering you on they’re just waiting to meet you. While the path maybe hard being able to work for this happiness will give you so much more strength to share with others. Please friend keep fighting, I see the little person I was and I know I made it through.
I just hope with every fiber of my body heart and soul that you can fight and win that fight. I believe in you.
From: tromboness
You’ve done so much, and it’s so frustrating that things aren’t getting better. It sounds like it’s been hard to find someone to really listen to your experience. If it’s been difficult to find a sense of community and belonging where you are at, we can be that community. We want you to find your happiness, and we will cheer you on when things are working and comfort you when they don’t. We believe in you. Hold Fast.
From: sithpanda
I am really proud of you for posting. It is very difficult to open up with our deepest thoughts and you went there. I need you to know that you matter. Everything that you are feeling and thinking is normal. The thoughts that you have about your mom and her cancer are so understandable. I can hear your heart coming through your words… You care… you are hurt… you have needs… and then you are embarrassed about your thoughts. There is NOTHING wrong with your thoughts. I care.
Hi justbunnys.
After I read this post and taken it all in, it seems totally relatable to me too. It sounds to me like you are being bullied by pretty much everyone around you, aren’t you? It isn’t a good feeling when it feels like the world is just out to get you for being that ‘easy target’.
I was bullied a lot when I was in Jr. High and in High school. I was not a bad person at all and I didn’t deserve it. And I don’t think you deserve it either. I was this close to ending it all when I was young and alone in Jr. High. The bullying got so bad that I was alienated by everyone and my parents wouldn’t help. I think the thing that really got me through it all was one thing: Faith. I had faith that I could endure it all and rise above it and move on with my life. It made me stronger knowing that I could trust myself and accomplish things because I believed in the strengths that I had.
I don’t know if you are a religious person or not. Either is fine. Do you have faith in yourself? This is very important that can turn a lot of obstacles around. You have people to talk to. It can be on here. You do matter don’t think otherwise even if it seems people undervalue you.
Thinking like that DOESN’T make you a terrible person. Honestly, we’ve all had thoughts like that about people who make us feel bad. I know for a fact I’ve thought about how much easier my life would be if my parents weren’t around anymore. Most of the time, that’s because it feels as though killing myself would be easier without them around. Even though I know that’s not true because there are still others like the people on stream and in chat right now, that in my mind become a major roadblock in my plans to commit suicide. For me that’s what it was about to stop those thoughts. Realising that there are other people around me that care about me, even if my parents aren’t showing it well. I mean, yea I feel really bad today, and I don’t wanna be alive right now honestly, but honestly, just being in this stream, listening to voices of people that calm me, I already feel a little better. Find those people for you. They do exist. You’re cared about.
Hold Fast
Kayla
Sorry to it’s been this rough. You’re having big problems and there seems to be nothing helping you deal with them directly. You have this place now where you can talk about whatever you’re feeling. It may not solve everything, but something changed. There’s still a lot for you to try to help you deal with it before you give up. Your battle isn’t lost. Hold tight, we’re with you.
From: mrwapiti
Hey friend, We love you, we will miss you if you were to leave this world. We are here to help you. Love you friend Hold fast!
From: tripteepol
I was the same when I was younger. I found myself a mentor, and dove into my music.
From: dame_nation
- please consider seeking help with a counselor. You are not alone and there’s lots of love and care here
Hey @echo We covered your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch stream today! Here is the live video response a long with a link to some free resources mentioned <3
Hold Fast!
Justbunnys: You have value even if others don’t recognize it. I went a VERY LONG TIME when I was a teen without friends or a girlfriend, and I too thought about offing myself. I don’t know how,but I decided that killing myself would be selfish, believe it or not, and then I felt something else…that if I was selfish for killing myself, that there should be a reason, and the reason I discovered was that there WERE PEOPLE WHO LIKED ME AND LOVED ME!! I don’t know you obviously, but I am SURE that death by your own hand would be a huge tragedy for a number of people. If this is the case, and I think it is from my own experience, which is somewhat like yours, I AM LOVED, otherwise, how could I think anyone would be hurt by my death?? I can ASSURE YOU that you are loved by more than one person so PLEASE be “brave” and don’t do anything rash or deadly, God bless.
I am willing to talk to you any time you’d like, justbunnys. I am not currently in your situation, but I know what you are going through, as I had much the same experiences. I have NEVER met a person who isn’t worth helping, and that includes several people who wanted to kill themselves. I found that just having someone who cares to talk to makes those who are suffering feel much better. Notice I didn’t say that I solved all their problems, but I gave them someone they could talk to and discuss their problems with. I would be glad to do this for you if you’d like. And be SURE of this: if you killed yourself, any number of people would cry and feel the loss. EVERY person has worth and that includes you, and I am not just saying that to look nice, it is true. Let me know, and I’d be happy to chat. God bless, Jim
Hold on!! There is so much more to come!
well i can tell you how they won’t send a thing you would have to get a vpn and one that is secure that would cost money though, there are many chat rooms on tor that you could use and stay anonymous on but those aren’t voices it’s just text on a screen don’t think that’s what your looking for