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I think it's time I talked about this cw/Tw talk of sexual assault and some slurs

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#1

Im not sure how to talk about this cuz I haven’t so I guess I’ll just tell it how I remember it and sorry if I crack dark jokes or get sarcastic Its how I cope with alot of my trauma

So when I first came out as a trans woman when I was 14 I had made a facebook account under my preferred name I ended up in several very dark and abusive relationships then there was the first guy who at the time was 5 years older then me (14) he already had a fiance and she was pregnant to him I was his little side tranny he could “practice being gay with” he would buy me things and treat me nicer then others he would often ask for nudes and and send me nudes while I was at school he was the tamest out of all of them honestly then there was the second guy I ever dated he was a sicko he lived near me at the time and was about 3 years older then me I think we would hang out at his place or in private spots and when ever we got sexual he would make me do his favorite thing to watch which was me sounding my self (I’ll let u Google it and let your respective genitals shrivel and squirm in pain) every time I refused he would verbally assault me or a few times we would get into physical fights I remember my parents asking about a incredibly bright purple bruise in the crook of my elbow from where he had knocked me over and stomped on my arm after him there was a stint where I didn’t date anyone for over 3 years once I turned 18 I went back to trying to experiment with men and often just was treated extremely poorly I have either been treated as a fetish object do to me being trans or as something closeted men feel safe in sleeping with cuz I’m “not a real woman” I’ve had men threaten to kill me and get away with it cuz they would plead the trans panic defense or out ride sexually assault me cuz I didn’t wanna do some kink that made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe to this day I’m worried that if I told anyone I know irl about this I’d be ignored or told I was lying because I pass for male and as we all know masc people can’t be sa victims eye roll…

That feels really good to get out of my system after all these years actually I have told a few friend that I’m a sa victim and survivor but I don’t think Ive told anyone the whole story and I guess I just feel safe enough to tell it here so to who ever has read this thank you

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#2

Dear @Derpplup,

You’ve been in this community for quite some time now and it’s always an honor to learn to know you better. There really isn’t enough words to express how grateful I am for you, for opening up like this and sharing what you’ve been through with these men. It’s us here that need to thank you for your vulnerability, for your trust, and for being brave.

It is absolutely heartbreaking to see how poorly you have been treated, and on top of it that being trans has been used as an excuse to hurt you even more. It’s insane how people’s limited perceptions can make them do such hurtful things. You never deserved to be treated that way. You deserve genuine love and respect, emotionally and physically.

Please know that your voice is heard and respected here. I believe you, and you are a real woman. What these people did, thought, said, was the reflection of their limitations and hatred, ones that should have never impacted you and your life in such a violent, brutal way.

I hope with all my heart that sharing this is going to be a first step towards healing, friend. This is a pain that you’ve been carrying on your own for so long while it should have been so different. You are here today. You are a survivor, and there is freedom to find again in liberating yourself from what these people did to you. None of what they did will ever define you. It was not your fault.

Sending safe and virtual hugs your way. :hrtlegolove:

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#3

From: ManekiNeko

my heart really breaks for you and hearing this story. How brave you are to say these things that have been hurting and weighing on you. To voice micro, you are respected and seen and heard here. Your story is real and valid, and I hate that people deny people their voice when it comes to sexual assault.


you were a child and didn’t have that protection you deserved. People who were older and should have known better. I hope that sharing your story starts to help you begin to heal and begin to find your worth fully. If you ever feel you want to share with someone, but be anonymous rainn.org has some wonderful resources and wonderful people who listen. It could be a good start to feeling safe and heard. Thank you again for being so brave and for sharing your journey with us.

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#4

Hi @Derpplup

Thank you for trusting in our community and sharing your story. It’s so incredibly courageous of you to post your story and I hope you know how honored we are by your trust.

You are never to blame for your abuse, these predators who hurt you knew what they were doing and targeted you for all the harm they placed upon you. I hope you can remind yourself of this any time you look back on those times, you were not at fault.

I think opening up is such a vital step and this is a huge turning point in your story. I hope that the weight of this is lifted from your shoulders and helps you move forward in your life.

You deserve love, kindness and happiness. You matter. I believe you and believe in you!

Thank you again for sharing with us <3/Mish

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#5

Hey Derpplup,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. No one deserves that kind of abuse, no matter their age or identity. I am so glad to see that you seem to be healing from all of this. I hope and pray your healing journey continues to go well for you.

Also, as a note, I am so glad that you don’t blame yourself for any of this. The choices that your abusers made, are exactly that - their choices. They chose to be abusive, you didn’t do anything to make that happen. (For anyone who needs to hear that… please read it again)

We are always here to listen, talk, and laugh with you. You are loved, and you matter like nothing else. Thank you for opening up and sharing with us today :hrtlegolove:

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#6

From: twixremix

hi derpplup,

i’ll start with saying that dark jokes and sarcasm are how i deal with trauma as well so i totally understand! second, i’m so sorry you have faced such vile transphobia, sexual assault/abuse, grooming, and physical abuse. this post took a lot of courage to write out and post… thank you for doing this to hopefully have others who may come across your post to not feel so alone in their own situations as well as providing you relief to write all of this out. you’ve gone through so much, my friend, and while i wish i could take some of this trauma off your shoulders, please know that i am rooting for a better future for you with everything i got. you deserve love, safety, and peace. this will find you in time. for now, thank you for being here, for reading these words i’m typing to you and knowing that you have so many people supporting you and your journey. sending you so much love and comfort from my part of the globe to yours, derpplup.

love,
twix

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#7

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you so much for being brave enough to share this part of your story, this must have been so difficult to put down but goodness I hope finally getting it out in a commutiny that you feel safe and loved has helped you. The things that have happened to you are beyond my comprehension and should never have happened to you. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to live the rest of your life in peace and with love and happiness, that is the very least you deserve. Much Love Lisa x

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#8

From: Rohini_868

Dear Derpplup,
I salute you for this post. This is such a courageous share, and I am 100% sure that this will help any others who are currently experiencing something similar to what you have been through.

I really want to point out that I am glad that you rightly called them dark and abusive relationships. You deserve to be treated porperly and kindly in your relationships, and these predators hurt you.

There is one part that shines out to me - the knowledge that these people were in the wrong. You didn’t cause this to happen, you didn’t make them behave this way. I hope that you sharing this here continue to help you grow and thrive, and feel stronger and more confident.

Thank you for your strength and courage and for trusting us with this post. I hope this helps you in your healing. You matter and you’re loved for who you are, friend.

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#9

Hello there,

I know that you have been going through a lot, but I am so heckin’ proud of you right now. I can only imagine how difficult it was to write down those things that happened to you & recalling all of those memories. I am so sorry that you had to experience all of the things that you did.

Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for not hiding your voice. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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#10

From: Mamadien

Derpplup thank you so much for being brave enough to tell your truth here. It truly helps me understand where you are at and where you are coming from in some of your other posts. It adds so much context to who you are what you have endured in your journey. I’m proud of you for being brave enough to speak and I’m glad you found this a safe place to do that. I hate that the world hasn’t been a safe place for you and you have been bottling that up inside for so long. I truly hope that being able to speak honestly helps you as you deal with all that has happened to you. You are stronger and braver than you realize.

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