Thank you for being here, creating this account and sharing about what’s going on.
I hear you. And all the disappointment and resignation in your message… It’s a painful spot to be in, one that I’ve learned to know too well through the years. While I never suffered from trichotilomania, I’ve been in this situation of thinking “this is it, this is the moment”, for different reasons. And being deeply okay with it. No regrets, no sadness. Like an armor we create to handle what seems to be unbearable.
You sound to be a kind, compassionate person. A light in this world. I hear your exhaustion. It sounds that you’ve been strong for a very long time. Maybe mostly on your own. I see it. Rest is needed, even for the warriors who face strong battles as you do. But this is not the end of your story. At best, this could be a crossroad in your life. You said you believe that suffering is part of your destiny. What about being here and posting this?
You are not alone. By coming here, you just found a community of allies, ready to stand by your side through this crazy thing called life.
You don’t have to be alone, to wear a mask. Maybe you’re not sad indeed. Though, thinking about ending your life is the manifestation of something deep. It matters. What’s going on in your mind, in your heart, matters too. I don’t know if you ever had any space in your life to share those things, to allow yourself to be vulnerable. But you did the right thing by allowing yourself to do it here. We see you. We’re listening. And we want the best for you.
You have the right to be vulnerable, to say f*ck to the obstacles that you are facing in your life. But please, don’t let them drain the life out of you. You are not defined by those. You are not made of diagnosis. You, your life, your personality… are so much more. I bet all the people who know you and care about you would agree with this. But there’s also your inner life. These battles that don’t always say their name. You just opened a door to this community to actually see it. To see YOU. Just as you are. And I know I’m just a stranger, but I can tell that your heart is beautiful.
Hang in there, Dazai. Allow this pain to exist if it needs to be. Cry, shout, let those things off your chest by writing them down. But please, stay safe. You deserve to take care of yourself. To treat yourself with compassion.
I’d like to know how things are going for you, if that’s okay.