tw: SA?
last night me and my boyfriend were together and cuddling, i had music playing from my phone and i was comfortable with the situation. i didn’t want to do anything else but to be in his arms. but eventually K started to slide his hand under my shirt to touch my breasts and i didn’t like it. i told him i didn’t and he kept going. so i tried to pull his arm out and he squeezed harder. i stopped struggling to get it over with so things would go back to normal.
but then he started to try and undo my belt and then i sat up against my headboard to get away from K and he let his hands fall from my body. then he got closer to me and tried to put his hands between my legs. i told him to stop and K told me to “chill out.” and that “i would like it.” i didn’t. i really didn’t and i told him that. he said “you don’t?” and kept going and so i gave up fighting because i was scared. my words and actions obviously weren’t doing anything to make him stop so it didn’t matter. i was tired i just wanted to sleep and i wanted it to be over so i froze up and laid there. he made me touch his dick through his pants a few times and i didn’t want to do that either.
i hate myself for letting K do that. i love him but now i’m rejudging his character. he kept telling me he had a right to touch me there because i’m his girlfriend. we go to the same school but only have one class together. when i walk with him i feel disgusting. i can still feel what he did to me and it seems like he doesn’t even feel bad. i feel like everyone can see through me. like they can just look at me and see how i laid there and didn’t do anything.
im scared to tell anyone because i gave up fighting, i laid there like an idiot. i don’t know what to do. i feel so disgusted with myself. i need help. i have a therapist but im afraid she’s going to tell my mother about it.