Hello everyone, I’ve been married almost 5 years now. Last night my wife and I got into a pretty big argument about the status of our marriage and where were at.
For the last year I’ve had a strong feeling that the reason my wife and I are still together is because she just needs someone to fulfill the role of husband and father in her life.
I’m man enough to admit that I fuck up A LOT and dont take her emotions into account and I’m not the best spouse either.
But last night when we were arguing she says everything that I have enjoyed doing my whole life to destress is “unattractive” to her. (I enjoy gaming and playing music with my band)
She told me to “find new coping mechanisms” and basically implied I should just give up on everything I enjoy and that I feel makes me human. It kind of solidified all of my feelings I’ve been having for a while now. That she just wants someone to fill in and help her achieve her goals. I feel empty and COMPLETELY unappreciated. I go to a job everyday that I hate because it pays well and I have a family to support, I’ve made sacrifices with friends and now I’m expected to just drop everything that defines me as a person and basically play her game.
I might be overthinking a little bit because the wound is still fresh and I haven’t had enough time to look at every angle and process all the data, but I’ve honestly never felt this low and disregarded.
I refuse to throw the towel in and divorce her because I believe marriage is sacred and I have two little girls that need their dad on a daily basis, but I can’t fight the feeling that I’m just a warm body in our relationship.
Honestly, thanks for still believe in marriage and being there for your daughters. That’s really great!
Taking your side of the story, tt looks like she’s not doing her part as a wife. She should be helping you, supporting you, not asking for you giving up on your hobbies. Have you ever talked to her how about you feel? Does she work? Is she a good mother? Does she want spend more time with you? I am not married, but as a woman I can say that woman like attention and spend more time their husband/boyfriend. Do you guys have a alone time just for yourselves. Sometimes I see my parents burned out with their marriage cause they don’t spend too much time by themselves, it is always about work and financial stuff.
You do seem appreciate her, your kids and your marriage.
Hint: try to have a honest talk with her. take her to dinner and speak out your feelings, point out the things you are disliking in this situation we two are facing. I do think divorce is not the best option and giving up for a minor reason can bring bad consequences.
Talk to he,r be honest with each other.
I hope everything work out well.
Wives should submit to their husbands and husbands should love their wives as Christ gave up his life for the church. Paraphrasing Ephesians 5.
During our conversation we had on Thursday I told her about my feelings as well, how I feel like I’m a pawn in her game and that I am not getting what I need either.
She is a great mother and fulfills every role of it perfectly. She is also a FACS teacher for our district and is very busy with that as well. And when she’s not working or mothering shes pumping and cleaning. We just had our second baby in June. So she has a FULL schedule and never gets any sleep, and that’s where I’m falling short. She feels like I’m not giving her any respite from her daily grind, and I honestly could do a lot better. I’m not going to sit here and say that shes the only one to blame here.
However, I think it’s completely unfair to ask your spouse to completely ditch and give up everything they’ve enjoyed doing literally their entire life under the premise of “finding new coping mechanisms because its unattractive to me”. I think that’s bullshit. Maybe I’m wrong though. I dont know.
Hey there, friend. You’re right, it’s definitely inappropriate for her to demand you give up all of your hobbies and skills you built up just for her own satisfaction. I’m sure she has reasons for wanting you to give these things up, but it seems as though she’s not trying to see the situation through your eyes. Yes, she is struggling and doing all she can, but you are also struggling- you’ve just found a way of coping that looks unproductive to her. I think you might need to talk to her about just how much these things have helped you. Ask for her patience and gentleness, and tell her exactly why you do these things and how they help you- when you’re honest and speak lovingly, nothing can really go wrong.
As well, I think you need to try to see through her eyes as well. Although we know it’s not right, she might think that you’re being lazy and maybe giving up by sitting down infront of the computer or playing music. While she’s juggling so much, then looks around the corner to see you just sitting there, you can imagine how frustrated it would make her feel. She would probably think that because maybe she’s never been able to completely tune out all the stress the way you’re able to. Show her how she can cope with all she’s dealing with. Help her to find something she’ll love to do, that’ll take her to another world for a moment.
Have you asked her why she does not like your hobbies?
My generic relationship advice (with a bit of marriage advice) (they are more like rules and their explanations):
No mind reading. No sarcasm. No lying. No evasion. If you cannot face a situation or question, say so.
If a discussion turns into an argument, both of you go to physically separate rooms until you both cool off. Doing hobbies that are in different locations during this time is recommended.
Do not get mad if someone gives you an honest answer no matter how much you hate the answer. People will fear giving you an answer less, and you will get more honest answers.
Take your wife on a date once a week (or whenever you can afford it). No children or bills, just you and her.
One of the two main things sex does is bind people together. (Take that statement how you will. It is not a rule that I made.)
Unless both partners are committed to the marriage, it either will fail or get dangerously close to failure.
If both partners are committed to the marriage, it can last through anything except one partner dying.
Why is commitment to the marriage and not your spouse the deciding factor? Because people are more ephemeral than paperwork. We change. A lot. I am a different person now than I was before writing this, and you are a different person now than you were before reading this, even if it is a small change. If you and your wife are committed to each other, things are more fun, but you run the risk of “falling out of love” if one of you changes into someone that the other does not like and you were not also committed to the marriage. If you are committed to the marriage, then if you fall out of love you have something to hold onto until you fall back in love, and being committed to the marriage will give you both a reason to consciously turn into someone that the other one loves. This takes work and sacrifice and changing of priorities. Can she ask you to change? Yes. Should you change, or, in other words, how important is this change to her, how important is it to you, and is it really the issue? Does she need something that your current hobbies seem to prevent you from doing? Is she worried about her image and maybe even how she perceives herself? Is your change going to give her what she needs? Is there something else that would give her what she needs? What we think we want and what we actually need can be different things. You have needs, too. I think that most of a relationship is talking. If you both are committed to the marriage, you have time to talk. Marriage is special like that.
If one of you is not committed to the marriage, then it is time to find why not and what would bring them to recommit to the marriage, and marriage counseling. This is like people on heartsupport trying to keep people from killing themselves after they post something suicidal. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not because it is their choice and we cannot force them to change. Nobody can ever force someone else to be happy.
I sincerely hope that you and your wife can keep going and I am sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch and if it is more than a rough patch, I am grieved. The world needs more families with both a mother and a father who prepare their children for what is to come.
Using therapy skills I learned in therapy. Try to understand where she is coming from, and tell her your honest opinions of your needs and wants. Both of you have needs and wants, both of you have emotions, explain to her what your needs and wants are, and let her explain hers. Then find a middle ground. So both of your needs and wants are met.
My ex Husband was a workaholic. He’d volunteer to work even when he already worked 12-18 hour days. Then he’d want to come home and hide in his video games and tv shows.
I felt very alone in our marriage because yes he worked hard, but our relationship still needed nurturing and there was never time for it. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel upset that all he wanted to do was game.
In the end our relationship fell apart because he never had time to invest in us and I was just following him around.
It sounds like for you that you guys somehow need to find a way to communicate your feelings and thoughts. To somehow find a way to listen to each other and work something out so that you are nurturing your relationship but also have time to do something that allows you to relax for a while.
Video gaming is often something that wedges between relationships if it feels like it takes a priority. So it’s good to try to find a way to spend time with your family to balance it all out.
My boyfriend also likes to video game. And I’m okay with that. I game sometimes too. However, while it’s an outlet for him, it’s also a distraction from the things he needs to do.
I guess for me I have always felt games were okay but if they are interfering with your time with your family, spouse and children or taking away from responsibility then it needs to be adjusted a little. I have noticed that anger and frustration is the first thing that comes from trying to confront someone about their video games. They get defensive. In my experience and who I spoke to.
I think it’s important to listen to what your wife is feeling and show her you care. Both of your feelings are valid. Video games are a great outlet and you should be able to do those things sometimes. Maybe just make it at only certain times or only certain days. So you can make time to spend with your wife. Relationship nurturing is so important. To make it feel valued and cared for. To help it feel like a priority.
It’s hard working so hard to keep your family afloat and then not be able to just do what you enjoy. I get that. But it’s also hard as a spouse to sit back and watch the other get lost in games all of the time. I can see both sides.
Balance is important. Gently speak with your wife and see if maybe you can find a way to work out time with her and your family and game at a time that fees better and less straining to the relationship.
Perhaps the way she handled it was a little rough.
I’ve asked my boyfriend to try to play his games less, but didn’t ask him to stop all together. And when I did mention the idea of stopping, I only meant temporarily. Until priorities are better set and responsibilities are getting done. Because they keep getting set aside. Now, if those things can get better balanced out, then gaming some doesn’t feel so bad.
With my ex husband I wanted him to stop playing MMOS and things that you couldn’t just pause because they suck you in and you can’t get away from it if you need to. Without your game friends guilting you for messing up a raid or something.
I’ve never demanded to stop all entirely. Though I have suggested that trying to find something else as a hobby as well. Don’t stop, just try to find more things that help you relax.
I can see where she wants to go with “find another coping mechanism” but it doesn’t have to be said so roughly.
It’s important to be loving and caring of each other’s feelings. To show each other you love and respect each other. Approach and talk to each other with love. Doing it in anger and frustration usually results in hurt and saying the wrong thing or saying what you want to say in a hurtful fashion.
I always try to make the effort to take a breath and step back first. To think about what I want to say.
My boyfriend in return does the same. So that we can talk calmly as a couple and work through things.
Sometimes a counselor helps with this.
You’re right. She may have handled that a little poorly. Maybe if there is some improvement to the situation, she won’t feel as offended by it and you can play games again. Figure out why it causes her to feel that way. Address it. Show you care.
Then only game when it’s not hurtful to the family. Sometimes limiting it to an hour or two. Or just a few rounds helps.