I think this has been almost life long

I was doing homework (because as an honors student, that’s all you ever do) and my brain just sorta… stopped for a second. I was feeling just fine, but then my mood immediately dropped (for context it’s suspected I have BPD, but due to still being a minor, my doctors are hesitant to diagnose me, so I’m pretty used to rapid mood swings like that). I guess I sort of thought “Hey remember how back in 6th grade you wanted to die all the time? Feel like that again!” I froze because, for a second, I did. Even if the music was not the same music I listened to back then, and the environment was totally different, for a second, I really felt like I was back there. Maybe that’s a mini-flashback, maybe it’s just my brain being weird.

Then I got to thinking. I thought about my childhood (or at least what I could remember of it), and I realized that I think I’ve been depressed most of my life. Or at least, I wasn’t happy. When I was a child, I’d think about running away, and I think that was my alternative to suicide since I wasn’t aware you could kill yourself. There were times I would hate being alive, and times I would hate being in my family, and It’s just now that I realize that’s not normal. You’re not supposed to hate being alive as a kid. You’re not supposed to wish you weren’t here anymore.

I have a lot to work through.

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Hiiii BPD girl here lol.

If you do get diagnosed with BPD, you’ll have support here for sure. Understanding it helps too, I have a couple videos that explain the traits really well if you need some more info about it.

As I become more aware, I have flashbacks to things that were 100% BPD the cause of whatever crisis I was going thru or things that my parents did that probably messed me up too. It’s good because it puts things into perspective and shows you that there is a reason why you think and act the way you do. Then, you can work on changing the way you think and act, cuz you can get better if you have BPD.

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Hi TheRats
I can really relate to you on this one. I used to feel the same way you do. That since my childhood I was not happy and that things are not getting better and they will only get worse. I also have mood swings. I am doing just fine and then BAM. How about all of those things you wanted to do are not interesting and you feel like crying but cant cry. Enjoy! Yes these kinds of mood swings.

I can tell you high school sucks, depression sucks, mood swings suck, but that is not all life has to offer. Try to think about anything that makes your life better and try to follow that. I know it is hard but please try it, there were things you enjoyed. Try to find them. They can make your life bearable for now. It would also be good if you got your diagnosis when you will be old enough.

Stay strong. I wish you luck.
Bye.

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hi @TheRats ,

i hope the semester is going well for you so far and you’re able to carve out time to care for yourself. although the doctors can’t provide a treatment plan or diagnosis now due to your age, please know that it’s still okay to voice your concerns and how you’re feeling so they can document it. i was in your shoes for needing my mental illnesses diagnosed in my teens but was too young for it to be determined. so you are not alone in this struggle to find answers but please know you are being heard.

intrusive thoughts are a tricky moment to escape from, especially when it deals with bringing you back to a bad mindset or a traumatic event. what are some grounding techniques you’ve tried before that can lift you out of the headspace you found yourself in when you thought back to the 6th grade?

it’s always hard to realize how traumatic a childhood was later on in life when you look back on things. but truly the main silver lining i’ve personally found in those times is to know that i have the control to move forward to a better, kinder tomorrow. i believe in you with everything i got to make it through to the other side, overcoming the thoughts that surrounded your childhood and working through that pain. hold fast, my friend.

love,
twix

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Hiya
Thanks again for posting
That sounds like a scary moment and I’m sorry that happened to you, I have not had any dealings with BPD but I think its important that you have a good understanding of it if its expected. I cant imagine what its like to be stuck in a moment and memory like that, It must be like being stuck in a bad dream that you cant wake from and that sounds very unpleasant. Have you tried any techniques when it happens to remove yourself from it? is that a possibility?
I do hope that you can get a diagnosis and that you can get any help that you need.
In the meantime, please know that you have us here anytime as support and no you are not supposed to wish you were not here any more. I want you to want to be here as much as I want you to be here.
Take special care
Much Love
Lisa :heart:

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I never really learned any that worked for me. Sometimes I do try to eat something with a powerful taste though, like a lemon, or some sugar. That works sometimes, but not always.

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