I thought I was fine

I have really bad clinical anxiety. When I was young my parents got divorced and I started having to fly to their houses back and forth. My dad lived in Texas and my mom lived in Chicago so each school semester I would switch houses. One Christmas break I was on a plane to Chicago when one of the engines started to fail. I knew that planes can fly for a long time without one engine but I started hyperventilating that I would never see my parents again or my sister who was on the opposite schedule for visiting. I cried and cried and cried and I think I was only seven or eight.

When I got off that plane I started struggling with the anxiety that I would die or go missing or something bad would happen with each step I took. It was really distressful for my family as I hated planes and cars and I wouldn’t leave the house sometimes. I started taking Lexapro as well as my Adderall for ADHD. It got better and my parents kind of thought I grew out of it but I don’t think it did because now I’m scared I messed up. I came home tonight and I cut myself again. I started doing it a while ago after all my treatments and my parents started to trust me more because it made me feel grounded in my mind. The pain and depression I felt were drowned out by the beating in my wrist. I went to therapy and started taking a higher dosage of Lexapro for my depression and my anxiety and I didn’t cut myself for two years straight. Now, this summer, I started again.

And my head is still pounding. I don’t want to feel this way, feel this lost but it’s like I’m in a circle again. My left wrist already looks bad enough from failed suicide attempts to the place where they entered a rod after I broke a bone. I messed up and I feel like I’m going to keep messing up and disappointing my parents and my sister. I feel like I don’t put my faith in God enough anymore to help guide me. I just graduated, I was supposed to be doing better but I feel like this cycle of me feeling better and then relapsing isn’t going to stop and I don’t know what to do.

God will never give up on you. Please stay strong in your faith even if that’s the only thing that keeps you going. Thank you for posting. I have wanted to call it quits on aspirations and even life before but that’s always what I fall back on. You can always fall back on HIM. Get to know God. Those who truly want to be devout will know HIM. Sometimes nice little things happen throughout my day and I look up and say, I know that was you! Patience is one of the hardest things for us but there is a destined path out there for all of us.

Cutting is hard to stop, I know, but it isn’t something that you do and can’t go back on. Please think deeply in those moments and do not make the choice that cannot be undone. I will say a prayer for you! We all love you here!

-Leon