I thought i was over it, i really did

i don’t know what led me to do it, but i went and looked for the messages my mom and i exchanged on the day that i tried going back to school after months of not going. i shouldn’t have. i fear i’m one second away from a mental breakdown. that day was by far the worst i ever had. i still feel the fear i felt. but maybe i should start this differently. i’ve talked about this day before. but that was quite some time ago. there’s a lot of detail, i suppose. it’s been almost a year but it’s still all so evidently burned into my mind as if it was yesterday. some of you might still remember it.

so, let me start off like this; in 9th grade i missed a lot of school. 10th grade, i stopped going to for several months, because of my rapid decline in mental health and the countless panic attacks and mental breakdowns i had. my mother and i got into a lot of fights because of that. but then i had the courage to go back, after I visited my class one day, because it was the last day of school before a two week break. so i went back, once the break was over. but suddenly I wasn’t so sure anymore, if i could do it. the first class we had was math. with the teacher who i was scared of. and because we had covid restrictions, my best friend couldn’t sit with me. there used to be the arrangement that my friend and I weren’t allowed to be separated, due to my anxiety and having her with me could keep me calm. she is also good at math lol. but because of covid that wasn’t possible, so that was a punch to the guts, really.
i was so shaky when i opened my book. my teacher told us to just revise some stuff, which was definitely much better than starting off with making us talk. but as i was staring at my book, trying to find anything i could do, it was like i was looking at something written in a language I don’t speak. i couldn’t recognise anything. i knew we did this all before, but my mind was so terrifyingly blank. i gave myself another 5 minutes, before I ultimately excused myself and ran to the bathrooms. tears were already starting to stream down my face and as soon as my back hit the bathroom wall, i just broke down. i cried and i cried and the tears wouldn’t stop. eventually i started texting my mom, tell her that I couldn’t do this. that i was so scared and couldn’t calm down anymore. she was so sweet. told me she believed in me and that i got this. encouraged me to go back to class, but I couldn’t. i wasn’t able to calm myself down and it had been almost 15 minutes since i had left the classroom. eventually she kinda caved and I asked if she would come pick me up if my teacher agreed to let me go. she agreed, in a way. so i went back and told my teacher that i felt very sick. to he fair he surely saw my puffy, red eyes and my smeared mascara lmao but he agreed to let me go. my friend was sent to go down to the infirmary with me and was told to wait with me for a bit. and i went ahead and called my mother, but that’s where it all went downhill from. she started arguing with me, refused to come and get me, told me to get back to class and if i had to sit in the halls, i was gonna go back. at that point i had calmed down enough to speak my mind again, but not nearly enough to not spiral into a another state of panic. we were fighting; i was begging her to just come and get me. she was shouting at me to go back to class. (months later i found out my friend could hear my mom yelling, btw. even tho i already tried to get as much distance between us as possible, so she wouldn’t) eventually my friend had to go back to class, because she couldn’t miss the entire thing. and my mom caved at some point. but from here it just gets worse. she came to pick me up. i was waiting in the infirmary and when she came in, she looked at me and said two words. “I’m mad” and stormed out again. i hastily went after her and at this point i was crying again. we got into the car and no words were spoken throughout the entire ride. just my hysterical sobbing. she took a route she didn’t usually take, one that’s much longer than our usual one. i didn’t understand why, but i was way too afraid to say anything. there was no reason to take that road, but she did it anyways and i was oh so fucking scared of her. eventually we arrived home and as soon as the door fell shut behind us, she broke the silence by outright screaming at me. she got physical with me only once when i was little, where she hit me because i had made her mad. i didn’t even remember it happening but she told me about it a while ago and during that time, i was so sure she was gonna hit me. shove me, anything. i was waiting for it. it luckily never happened, though. she tried taking my phone too, obviously. but i refused to give that up. she can fight me for that, but i will not give her my phone, because she’s mad at me. eventually she stormed off and i went to my room. and of course not without her slamming every door she came across. i bawled my eyes out for another two hours or so.

phew, big text. but, that’s what happened. i feel so much better now. but it’s still almost comedic how you’d never expect this to go down if you see the text messages alone. when i think of that, all i can do is laugh bitterly with tears in my eyes.

5 Likes

Hey @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease,

Thank you for sharing about this day. It is very understandable that there still is a lot coming up when you think back to what happened. A lot was going on this day, especially on an emotional level. I’m so sorry you had to go through this much distress and that this has such a long-lasting effect on you. Did you ever have the chance to talk this through with someone, maybe a therapist?

It is so good to write all of it down, to let it out, but also to take away some of the power it’s holding over you. I’m glad to read that you felt so much better after writing it down.

Did you get to discuss what happened with your mom at some point? Did you go back to school after the 2-weeks break that followed the day? Since it’s been almost a year ago, how have things been going for you at school? If you like to share, of course.

I hope you’re doing okay and found a way to get through and cope with all the resurfacing emotions in a healthy manner. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

From: Micro

Dear friend. I am so proud of you. For your strength, your resilience, your honesty. You may not see it right now because opening up this wound again is bringing a lot of intense emotions to you, but you truly are displaying such an incredible mark of growth. With your post, your words, the fact that you’re sharing in such a detailed way something that still brings so much pain to your heart. Years ago maybe you would have silenced it, buried it, convinced yourself that you were to blame. But by putting words on those memories, by sharing your story, you put yourself also in a position of outsider. You acknowledge that this part of your story, of your past. Even if the pain is still raw and you are in need of closure regarding what happened, you are making a major step by sharing what happened. Now the big question is what to do with it, isn’t it? Somehow, as your title mention, getting over it would be an unfair expectation. You can go over memory, especially when deep emotions are attached to it. Though what you can learn, is to move forward with it. Acknowledging the pain is one step. Learning to cope with it, learning to find some closure for what happened and healing is another one. For now, it seems that your mom is not going to be part of this journey. Still healing can happen, it is yours, and maybe one day your mom will be in a position to acknowledge what happened and understand you better. Rest assured that we are here for you and we are going to be there for you through it all, still. You are loved so much. <3

2 Likes

From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease. First off thank you so much for sharing this. You have definitely made a lot of progress since then. I am so sorry you have had such a traumatic experience but you have definitely grown from it. Sometimes its not about getting over something but accepting it as a part of your story. There are a lot of things that shape who we are and some of them are painful. Its just the way it is sometimes. I am also very proud of you for writing this and facing your demons like that. Also I am super glad that you are feeling better after putting this down on paper. Know that whenever you need to share something we will be there to listen :wink:.

1 Like

yes and no? i’ve seen a couple therapists since the incident again but i never felt comfortable enough to bring it up.

i did not. we don’t really talk about our fights after they happen, and if we do it somehow always ends with me feeling like it was my fault anyways or that it wasn’t as bad as i was making it out to be. i hope to one day tell her about all of it, but i feel like in order to do that i need to heal more first. i want it to be a mature conversation, which i know we can surely have once i am ready to. it’s always been that way between us :]

that day was actually the last day i ever went to that school again. i guess despite what went down, my mother still finally understood that there was something wrong that won’t fix itself on its own. i’ve been on sick leave (if that’s what it’s called lmao) since then and will be until summer, before I’ll finally be free of school once and for all. I’m actually enrolled in another school now, because in my country you need to attend school for a certain amount of years and not every school gives you that. i went there on the first day and it was quite nice, but i was so terribly exhausted after, that i never went back and no one made a fuss about it, since the school isn’t really important for my later life.

2 Likes

Thank you for sharing your story with me in more detail! Sorry I’m getting back to you only now. You’re so very self-aware of what’s going on, that’s really inspiring.

It is as bad as you experience it. Everyone has a different story, everyone has their own unique scars. Two people walking on the same path will tell two completely different stories about their experience and it won’t be possible to tell from their stories that they walked on the same path. Your experiences, feelings, and struggles are always valid. You react how you react. It’s possible to work on underlying issues and change behaviors when your mental health is affected, and then your reactions will change, but it doesn’t mean your original reactions were wrong.

I totally agree with you. It requires some time and also some distance to have such a conversation. I am glad to hear that you value your relationship with your mother.

In case you haven’t heard it today: You’re loved and you matter. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes