For a while I’ve been having very strong urges, emotions, and thoughts that all point in the direction of a relapse in self harm. I really thought that I was gonna follow through, but I didn’t. I’ve been so distant lately from a lot of people. I’ve been feeling very invalid as a person and just worthless overall. I’ve been noticing that contemplating death is happening at least once a week. I really don’t see the point in continuing a fight that I can’t seem to win. If it’s all gonna end why postpone the inevitable? I feel like I’m broken beyond repair due to how I’m treated and, in turn, how that makes me feel and behave. I’ve noticed that certain emotions are leaders in certain behaviors. Let me explain… when I’m feeling very anxious or nervous about something coming up that is ver important I tend to scratch my arm. When I feel like nothing is going right and I feel too hurt to process anything I isolate myself. When I’m in an unhealthy mental space I don’t see the point of taking care of myself and that leads to not eating. When I feel like an empty shell with no real purpose that leads to almost acting out self harm, I have in the past. Because of these things I’ve had people turn away. They say that I’m too much to handle or that I don’t know when to quit the sadness. I’ve been called a depressed ass for going through the motions. I’m just really done with fighting anymore. I don’t know why I’m making this post really. Maybe as a last ditch effort to see the point? I know that I would be missed, but is feeling the pain really worth it? I don’t think it is sometimes. I’m lost guys. I feel empty and numb. I don’t know what to think anymore. Thanks for reading. I’m glad you’re here
I am so glad you are here.
Sometimes the world just seem so hopeless. But then you hear about someone who is just simply a decent human being.
I am so sorry about your situation. I really am. First of all. You are not worthless, you are a decent human being, and god knows we need those now. It is people like you, Sarah, that keep the world going. You are not broken beyond repair, and even if you where, that does not make you useless. It just makes you a different thing from what you were. You may be a “depressed-ass” and thats ok. Hell, you probably just reflect on the reality of life more than other people. And at first glance, who wouldn’t be a “depressed ass”??? Life sucks a lot sometimes!!! And the universe often does not provide satisfying answers. Reminds me of a quote by Seneca actually, “What need is there to weep over parts of life? The whole of it calls for tears.”
Heavy stuff. But true to some extent.
And sometimes, we respond with numbness and emptiness. We look into the void of struggle, pain and nothingness and think, “well thats no good”. It terrifies us.
But the void should not define us as humans. WE should define our own lives. It is hard, it is difficult, but we don’t have to do it alone. And, when we look back, im sure it will be so much more rewarding.
I am so glad you are so observant with your behavior. And I truly hope you take care of yourself because you are awesome and you are loved. You don’t have to face the void alone, you are not too much to handle.
I dont know if the pain is worth it, I truly dont. But I suppose thats what life is about. Figuring it out, together.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts.