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I Threw It All Away... It's Over


#1

First I want to apologize for being a terrible member of this community, and being a pathetic excuse for a human being. I’m sorry that I made 2 support wall posts in one day, I know I don’t deserve love and support, and I’m a failure and a disappointment to this community, and I’m sorry. Just know that all of you are loved and amazing people, and your lives matter.

Today is the day I threw it all away. I made a promise to myself, and a promise to others that I would stay clean from pills and self harm, well guess what in a matter of minutes it was all thrown away. It started with self harm, it lead to pills, and now I’m sitting here… pissed, pissed being an understatement. Ready to give up, because honestly I have nothing worth fighting for anymore. There’s people in this community that I love and care about so freaking much.

I continue to fail this community, my support group, the people I love, and the people that love me. And honestly it’s the story of my life! Obviously recovery isn’t going to happen, and I’m just a failure and a fuck up. My parent’s have been telling me this for the past 21 years of my life, but yet I never listened. I’ve heard all these peoples for years telling me this world would be a better place without me, and that I should just end it all. And I’ve tried so freaking hard to ignore these people, but yet their other words still stand true… That’s I’m worthless… a failure ugly… a no good piece of shit…

I just don’t know what to do anymore guys… I can’t keep living life this way… everyone says well monkey start trying… stop relapsing… guys I wish you guys realized how freaking hard I’m trying. And I know I’m a freaking disappointment and I’m sorry. Just know that I love all of you! Just let me go… and I will walk away… no hard feelings… and this community will move on without me! Love you guys always!

Hold fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey


#2

Recovery can sometimes feel like a huge mountain to climb. But every journey starts with just one step. Self harm and substance use are ways to help us ease the intense pain we feel. And when we have few healthier skills to turn to relapses will happen. But each time we pick ourselves back up we get stronger and can learn from it. Your story isn’t over it is just beginning and every new skill you learn and every time you practice will add up over time. The fact that you reached out shows you want to break the cycle. The most important thing to do is show yourself the same understanding and compassion you would give a friend who relapsed. And forgive yourself. The journey of self improvement will have peaks and valleys. Change is not linear. But we believe in you and you matter.


#3

You are not a failure. We know it’s hard, and we understand you’re trying hard. But just because you don’t see progress doesn’t mean that it can’t happen. You’ve been trying real hard, but you have not tried everything yet. And I’m not giving up on you.

Listen to the advice you give to others.
You are loved.


#4

No need to apologise for anything!! You don’t need forgiveness, you need support!!!


#5

I understand what it’s like with addiction and I’m so sorry you’re struggling with relapsing and battling this disease. It’s hard, I have a really good friend he’s my accountability partner him and I both want to stay on the path of being sober so we check up, go to meetings from time to time. if you don’t have that then possibly keep checking in on here and talk about it so we all can be that same support system. you’re not going to beat it in one day it takes baby steps


#6

No one is calling you a failure. Just because you repeatedly have relapsed doesn’t make you a failure or loser. You’ve an addiction. Anyone that thinks you could just give something that holds you like that up so easily. Well they don’t understand addictions very well.
Addictions are pretty much relatable to disorders.
I’ve an eating disorder where when I’m emotionally in turmoil I’d use to seek out food and just eat. I was addicted to soda. It took me months to finally stop drinking 4 liters of soda a day. It isn’t something that you wake up and go “Well I’m sick of this, so I’m going to give it up.”
Addiction is part of my family history. I’m surprised that I never got addicted to anything else. A lot of luck and discipline went into me to make me overcome a lot of the issues that I have and I’m sure the same can be said about you. So you relapsing is not the big issue here. It shouldn’t be.
Just don’t beat yourself up over it. It won’t help you anyway if you beat yourself up.
I am cheering for you.


#7

The only thing that matters to me is that you haven’t quit. You’re a fighter Monkey! And every time you get up, you win. I believe that you will see better days, but they might not come soon or easy.