I don’t know if I talked about it last time, but in August I tried to do the same thing. I pretty much knew that this time wouldn’t be fatal, so I don’t know if that was more or less reason to do it. I don’t know why I feel like I’m going mad. I’m sure it’s partly due to the fact that I should be “quarantined” at home for at least another 7 days since I was out of the country. I’m tired of living with my parents who have their own rules and tell me what to do. I feel like I’m still 18 (I’m 21) when I’m home because I can’t do what I want or when I want. I also haven’t taken my meds for two days and I honestly don’t know why. Maybe because I already felt shitty so what’s the point of taking meds. My partner almost drove over at like 3am last night to make sure I was safe, or call my parents to tell them. The thing is, I don’t really talk about mental health stuff with my parents. My mom has never dealt with a mental illness and she really just doesn’t get it. My dad has dealt with depression a little bit, but I know that mine is worse than his (and chronic). Whenever we talk about something personal I feel like my parents ask too many questions. I know they care but “I’m just trying to understand” still feels like I’m being interrogated. I’m a pretty private person and I don’t like talking about a lot of stuff with my parents, so when they ask me questions, I feel like I have to answer. I also get really bad anxiety when having serious conversations with my parents and my anxiety causes me to not talk, which makes everything worse. My partner says that I need to talk with my parents about this stuff, and I know I probably should, but I really just don’t want to. I don’t want to open up 8 years of depression and dump everything out (they know some stuff but not a lot). It’s a lot for me to handle. I also used to self harm and I really wanted to do that last night, but I didn’t have anything to do it with. I told myself that I was a coward for not succeeding before, that I was too much of a wuss to actually go through with it. I didn’t go to the hospital or anything, but my stomach still feels kinda messed up. I’m gonna say something that I’ve thought for a long time but have been way too ashamed to say. Sometimes I wish I was more “messed up” so that people could see my struggle. Like, I wish I had the guts to just run away sometimes. I wish I needed to go to a hospital so people understand that I really am struggling. I know it sounds terrible and I really don’t want to suffer any more than I already am, but I still think it sometimes. Sometimes I think that I might have another mental illness that I don’t know about (right now diagnosed for depression and anxiety, have been treated for ptsd but I don’t think I really have it/experience it anymore). But other times I feel like I’m just looking for a reason to excuse my actions and thoughts. I don’t know. Sorry this was just a rant, it probably doesn’t make that much sense but I just needed to get it out.
Sophic. I love you so much. Gosh. I wish I could just wrap you up in a hug and make you feel better.
I can relate to so much of this. Especially with the current state of the world, some days are hard to keep a stable mind.
Friend, I’m only ever a message away. If you need to just talk to a friend. We have each other on animal crossing so we can play. Never hesitate to reach out. I care about you. And it’s okay to dm me.
Love love love love
I feel lately myself, I think about killing myself from anxiety, depression and mistake I made from people.
Today whip out on co worker and had a mental break. And I hate meds. I do feel for you!
I love you so so so so SO SO SO SO SOSOSOSOSO MUCH!!! I’m so glad you are still here, I’m so glad you are still in my life. Things do get better I swear, i love you so so much.
It hurts my heart that you feel this way. i have the same feeling freaking everyday; trust me it’s not a good feeling and i don’t ever want anyone to feel that way. I LOVEE YOU SO MUCH ; and someone cares. Again, i love you & have a wonderful night sleep.
First I want to say I am so glad that you are still alive and that you did not hurt yourself !! Also, I know your parents, family , and partner are glad that you did not hurt or do another harm to yourself. Sadly, mental health is something that is not spoken upon and is neglected but it truly is just as important as any other illness. If you like I think you should continue to try to make your parents have a more understanding on mental illness (especially as an older generation) maybe by giving them articles and videos to watch on anxiety and depression. Also, just remember that once this 7 days is over hopefully/ possibly you will regain your freedom, but remember this is just temporary. Take some walks/ go to the track and have social distancing conversations with others. Try to tell your parents as much as you feel comfortable with and maybe slip a little out a time if you like. Lastly I know you might feel like its useless but I know the medicine can help so definitely take that and if you need to their is online counseling. I know things might are tough now but just remember things can and will get better we just gotta keep pushing through.
If you do not know I want you to know that Jesus loves you deeply no matter what you ever do and he has a special calling on your life. You can always pray to him and call on his name.
-John 3:16 " For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son that whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life"
as well do not hold back if you need to rant about what your going through on here at times like these!
God bless, Jesus loves you John 3:16
I’m also struggling through the same trials as you. They always think they’ve lost controlled of me when really. I’m close-minded person. So, I suggest fighting this struggle.