I try to use sexual gratification to fill this hole inside of me

[WakaWaka]

I’m a mess and so Im just going to say that from the beginning. if I offend anyone then I’m sorry.

I’m lonely. Like deeply fucking lonely. When I was younger (early 20’s) I would sometimes go online and talk to women online and get to know them, then as we got to know each other things would turn sexual. I have lots of hangups about sex and it was empowering to be able to openly talk with someone about sex, to share porn , and chat while masturbating with them.

As time went on that got harder to find and understandably so. They were not healthy friendships in all likelyhood but we were both lonely and enjoyed it.

I feel empty inside. I miss having someone to talk to like that despite knowing it probably wasn’t healthy. I miss hearing a womans voice talk to me and I miss getting to know someone. Getting to know what she was going through and being there for her when times were tought. I miss having someone I could talk to when times were tough.

now I just feel broken and empty.

[Wings]

It almost seems to me that you are using the online sexual encounters as a way to establish emotional connection. It is really hard to connect with others, especially with the covid lockdown. You are not broken and empty. You simply need to find another way to establish a relationship with someone. There are quite a few chat programs and online dating sites. I have no experience with them, but maybe it’s worth a try.