I don’t really no why I’m here typing this topical at all, really. I guess I need to collect my thoughts. The past few months have been different I guess they’ve gotten better??? My parents are same as always except my mom has been getting extremely depressed because of how my dad works down in Tasmania and I think she really misses him? But the way she’s acting is insane I mean she’s never kind even less caring she’s either angry, sad or crazy angry to the point that she just becomes incredibly vindictive towards everyone. I mean can see how it’s understandable but at the same time it’s really effecting her role as my mother or parent i mean half the time I wish she was never my mother the other half is just trying to avoid getting in trouble. Really I hate both my parents. I’ve never felt much care or affection from either of them.
School is worse my “friends” treat me like shit most of my time spent with them is being push3d and shoved by them or locked in a headlock, carried around like a baby then dumped on the floor or just being insulted in general. But I can’t seem to move away from them. Every lunch time I go sit with them rather other people who are nice to me. I guess the fact that nobody really likes me. I’m just a horrible person who deserves nothing more. I really don’t know where I stand at home or school.
I’m just so confused about what should I do. I mean I’m doing alll the right things, I’m getting all my homework done, doing or my chores, I’m always nice to everyone no matter what they do I’ve been clean form my self harm for over 3 months yet I feel worse then I ever had.
On the topic of your parent’s, I am sorry that things are the way that they are but try and keep in mind that they are human too. They are just as prone to failure, stress, depression etc and sometimes they don’t realize where they are going wrong.
My advice is to think long and hard about yourself. You say that you are doing all the right things, but is that really true? It seems like you are taking the steps you need to to get better but I’d argue that there are probably things you are missing. For example, at school you spend time with the people who you know treat you badly and drag you down. That’s really not healthy for your state of mind. Don’t let the small mistakes you make detract from the good that comes from all of the other things you are doing.
I personally believe there is always room for improvement. If you feel like things are still wrong, use that as motivation to try even harder to improve life. Finally, please remember that meaningful change often takes time (if it didn’t, it would be too easy to attain and thus not worth it).
Don’t give up friend.
Sometimes when we let go of unhealthy coping mechanisms we have to learn how to endure pain we might have been trying to avoid before. It’s goinng to hurt now, but I promise you that it’s worth it to work through this pain and discover your worth.
You are worth good friends. Not people who are mean to you. I know it is really scary but I encourage you to eat lunch with the people who are nice to you one day. Maybe even join a club or something to get to know them better and make new friends.
And I’m really sorry about your mom. That’s really hard. Just remember that your worth is not defined by how others treat you.
Its suck that your parents are treating you like shit man, unfortunately sometime parents are not always adult, they tent to have thier issues too. Mothers seem she dumping her shit on you and not rigth. Depression is very shitty disease and people are not the best when they are in that state of mind. But remember its not your fault, Mother need to learn to take better care of herself, you can do the best your can for her, but remember that she need to fix her issues too.
Also, I think you to stop hanging out with your friends, they seem like assholes. You only need yourself and no one else. I know it suck to be alone, but it not bad to do your own thing. You may better friends that will treat you better and repsect you. Its awesome your doing your school work and your chores. In additions do some fun stuff whatever it video games, moives, sport art or whatever it is, even going for a walk or whatever. Do something fun. Also congrats on not hurting yourself and continue to work with it. Please take of yourself and feel better.
My family are very abusive… They don’t really show they care much at all. When my dad wants something from me and I don’t do it, he will remind of how ill my mother was when I was born. She was very very ill, and both me and her nearly died. My dad blames me. He will say something along the lines of “you nearly caused me to lose your mother, this is the least you can do” or… reminds me that the twin I was supposed to have died and refers to it as “well, you killed your twin, so be grateful” even tho he doesn’t say it often, I’ve never heard him say it to my sister who also lost a twin and it hurts. I’m learning that he is just mentally very unwell, and that, yea, it’s going to hurt in the moment, but, I get to decide who I listen to. Do I want to listen to someone like that who has been a big part in why I’ve attempted to take my life… or do I listen to the people that have been there and taken me out of those moments and never given up on me? It took me a long time, but, I know now that, to begin with, you don’t even have to believe you’re worth it - you just have to CHOSE to listen to the people who care.
That part about being treated badly by your friends hit me so hard. Before I met my now best friend and these guys on Twtich, everyone treated me like crap - they kept me around because I could help them with their school work… It’s not easy to just “walk away” “drop them” because, as much as they hurt you, the fact you believe that you deserve that treatment, makes you see past all of that and you love them too much to walk away. My attitude was always “well, if I can deal with this, they’ll stand by me and love me” I went well out of my comfort zone, in Berlin this week… As some know, I was SO uncomfortable with where I was ina group of so many people. But I made 2 amazing friends, and built a stronger relationship with those that I struggled to connect with before. It’s worth it. Sure, your self harm urges may get worse for a while, I’m back in the midst of a relapse, but outside of my self-harming, I’m in the best place I’ve been in a while… IT’S WORTH IT. YOU’RE WORTH IT.
First, congrats on being 3 months clean from self harm! A feat like that I know isn’t easy. You mentioned you had a parent who was far away from you so the other is mistreating you. Maybe try to talk to your parent that you are with about your feelings, maybe the sadness they have is a cause of this mistreatment. You maybe able to ask to help, and ask for very exact instructions so you know you can do it correctly. Help them as you can, it could help you. Your mother needs help like you do.
Also when it comes to your “friends” it’s not easy to drop them, but you said there was another group. Trying talking to them more, slowly transition yourself to a more loving group. They may also be able to help you with the issues at home, at least give you a place to open up safely. You are worth the time and love to become someone strong, and you time clean has proved that.
Eli,
First off thank you so much for sharing. It’s not easy to talk about these things and put yourself out there into the world like you have so thank you for doing so!
Also, congrats on being 3 months clean of self harm. That is incredible and I am proud of you! I am also proud of the fact that you are writing these things out. You mentioned it yourself and I’m so glad you realize what you’re in need of by typing this stuff out.
The major thing I mentioned during the stream when Casey and Dan discussed this was the self injury. Like drugs and alcohol, self injury is an addiction and just like any other addiction, it takes time to readjust your body and your mind. Before when you were going through something, you could so easily use self injury as an outlet but now, after being 3 months clean, you’re still learning to adjust and learn how to handle these things without the self injury being an outlet. This is going to take time. It’s going to take time for your body and your mind to disassociate hard times and strong feelings for self injury. I know this sounds scary and I know it’s been tough but you’ve got this!
In regards to friends and family, you have Heart Support, you have Twitch and you have the HS discord…you have true friends who aren’t only going to be there for the good times and fun times but also be around for the tough times and people who won’t judge you for the things you’re going through.
Take some time to get to know those people that treat you better. They might surprise on how much you enjoy spending time with them compared to your current friends.
I watched the stream, heard of what @Danjo and @Casers said, and they made good points. I’m sorry you are going through a lot. I am here to remind you that you are not alone. We are here with you and for you. Stay strong, my friend.