For a long time my faith is what kept me going. I’ve had a rough life and my mental health has steadily gotten worse as I’ve aged. Now I have physical disabilities on top of that, and it all would be ok but I don’t have hope anymore.
I used to get through things thinking it’s okay because life is meant to be a struggle, a growing experience, and that afterwards when we die there’s something more. Eternal life, rest, peace, being with God and loved ones forever. Over the past five or so years, my fears have taken over me and I don’t know what to do anymore
I’m so terrified of death yet at the same time I struggle with suicidal ideation. I’m so scared there’s nothing there afterwards. I’m so scared of losing the loved ones I do have. My SO is literally the only reason I haven’t killed myself yet and the thought of death being the end leaves me terrified and on the verge of tears and a mental breakdown every second of every day of my life. I’ll sit here planning out every detail of how I’ll kill myself and the letters I’ll right before I do if something were ever to happen to him and at the same time have a breakdown thinking about what if’s and how I’m so scared of their being nothing.
I pray and beg for some answer. I’m not asking for a miracle I just want that reassurance back. I’m so scared all the time. I’m so so so so scared. I can’t live like this but I can’t die like this either, I’m terrified.
I’ve had to deal with so much pain and loss in my life and before I felt like it was okay because in the end I’d be able to be with my loved ones again. Now I just feel empty and cold and alone. I don’t know what to do. I used to have so much faith. I just beg if there is a God please please let me know you’re there. If you’re religious or spiritual please send a little prayer for me. If you’re not, please send any good vibes. I hurt so much lately I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m so exhausted. I just want that one comfort back.