Today I worked from 3PM-10PM, and i have to be back at work in under six hours. I work at Walmart, and every day I spend there makes me more and more miserable, because I feel like it’s another day of my life wasted, providing myself with zero satisfaction or fulfillment. I would quit, but if I did that it’d result in another argument with my Mom. Almost everyday getting up is a chore, and I often lie in bed for two hours after I wake up dreading the day ahead, and at night I don’t like to go to bed because I’m scared of waking up the next day. Most days I want to call into work, but when I tell my Mom she gets upset.
I graduated from highschool this year, and worked two jobs before then, one retail, and one as a janitor at my old school. I’m starting college in the Spring, psychology, but I’m not sure that’s what I want to do, what I really want to do is write, but I’m far too scared to admit that to my family, because I know they’d try and talk me out of it.
Walmart gives you a boxcutter when you work there, and on one end of it there’s a very dull blade, and I walk around my department all day poking myself in the thigh with it, not enough to cause any damage, but enough to hurt… And I fantasize about actually doing it, cutting myself, and then “accidentally” letting someone see, because then maybe they’d see how bad I’m doing. One day before work I told my Mom that I’d been having suicidal thoughts on and off for the past few years, and that they’d been worse than ever lately, and one of her first responses was “Well wouldn’t going to work help you feel better?” “Are you sure you don’t want to go to work?”
I feel very isolated, only having one friend I can reliably hang out with, but recently that friendship has been effectively concluded. I had a girlfriend, and we broke up around two months ago, something that was completely mutual. she came out as ace, and I told her I was proud of her for discovering that about herself, and after that we agreed that we aren’t compatible. But since I was friends with her sister I’d still hang out with her after the relationship ended until she text me saying that her sister didn’t want us hanging out anymore… And I don’t know if it was just the way she said it, but it seemed like she just didn’t care, like it was easy to just cut me out… And when I told members of my family about it they seemed more annoyed that I was getting this sad about it.
I don’t know what to do… And whenever I think about it I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I just don’t know how to fix it. I never smile, I walk around with a blank look on my face which people often confuse for mean looks and death stares. The only smiles I give are fake, which is exhausting. My whole life feels like it revolves around everything except me, and I want to take priority in my own life. But anytime I try to, it feels like I’m discouraged because it’s annoying to others. Or I’m being a jerk or selfish. I try to take a mental health day and I’m being argued with by my Mom because people “Are counting on me to be at work.” And it makes me angry that she’s more concerned about my coworkers being inconvenienced than she is about my mental health.
I wish I could just disappear.