I’ve lost my happiness

Today I worked from 3PM-10PM, and i have to be back at work in under six hours. I work at Walmart, and every day I spend there makes me more and more miserable, because I feel like it’s another day of my life wasted, providing myself with zero satisfaction or fulfillment. I would quit, but if I did that it’d result in another argument with my Mom. Almost everyday getting up is a chore, and I often lie in bed for two hours after I wake up dreading the day ahead, and at night I don’t like to go to bed because I’m scared of waking up the next day. Most days I want to call into work, but when I tell my Mom she gets upset.

I graduated from highschool this year, and worked two jobs before then, one retail, and one as a janitor at my old school. I’m starting college in the Spring, psychology, but I’m not sure that’s what I want to do, what I really want to do is write, but I’m far too scared to admit that to my family, because I know they’d try and talk me out of it.

Walmart gives you a boxcutter when you work there, and on one end of it there’s a very dull blade, and I walk around my department all day poking myself in the thigh with it, not enough to cause any damage, but enough to hurt… And I fantasize about actually doing it, cutting myself, and then “accidentally” letting someone see, because then maybe they’d see how bad I’m doing. One day before work I told my Mom that I’d been having suicidal thoughts on and off for the past few years, and that they’d been worse than ever lately, and one of her first responses was “Well wouldn’t going to work help you feel better?” “Are you sure you don’t want to go to work?”

I feel very isolated, only having one friend I can reliably hang out with, but recently that friendship has been effectively concluded. I had a girlfriend, and we broke up around two months ago, something that was completely mutual. she came out as ace, and I told her I was proud of her for discovering that about herself, and after that we agreed that we aren’t compatible. But since I was friends with her sister I’d still hang out with her after the relationship ended until she text me saying that her sister didn’t want us hanging out anymore… And I don’t know if it was just the way she said it, but it seemed like she just didn’t care, like it was easy to just cut me out… And when I told members of my family about it they seemed more annoyed that I was getting this sad about it.

I don’t know what to do… And whenever I think about it I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I just don’t know how to fix it. I never smile, I walk around with a blank look on my face which people often confuse for mean looks and death stares. The only smiles I give are fake, which is exhausting. My whole life feels like it revolves around everything except me, and I want to take priority in my own life. But anytime I try to, it feels like I’m discouraged because it’s annoying to others. Or I’m being a jerk or selfish. I try to take a mental health day and I’m being argued with by my Mom because people “Are counting on me to be at work.” And it makes me angry that she’s more concerned about my coworkers being inconvenienced than she is about my mental health.

I wish I could just disappear.

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Trust me things would change

i’m sorry you feel like you are being punished when you try to take care of yourself… i hope you’re still able to be open with your mother about how you genuinely feel… even though she might give weird responses, or won’t show she truly acknowledges you. It’s not ok that you didn’t get properly acknowledged when you opened up about your suicidal thoughts. You deserve the recognition for being open about that. Everyone should be allowed to take time off of work if things are tough in ones mental life… sadly, that might not always be that easy in this world we live in, and it seems like your family and friends all have a different outlook on things, maybe they aren’t as open to emotions, and have been taught themselves to conceal them more.

In any case, i recommend you hold on to that spark of purpose inside of you, which is what you are passionate about, writing.

growing and working on that might be the thing meant for you, we all have some sort of bigger purpose, bigger journey to go on, that’s what i’ve learned throughout my life.

wish you all the best! <3

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From: ManekiNeko

wow you’ve been working hard for a long time. I’m sure it’s got to be a lot of pressure and stress working and studying. I’m sorry that your mum didn’t give you the support you needed, perhaps she thought that keeping busy and keeping a routine would be helpful. Have you spoken to her about perhaps professional help? It could be helpful for you to have someone who understands mental health and who can provide you with resources. Even something like better help could be beneficial. Heart support offer a 7 day free trial at www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport. It could be worth talking it out, especially when you’re thinking about self harm. You don’t deserve to keep struggling and trying to shut those thoughts down by yourself. You deserve to feel whole and happy.

From: prryplatypus

Hey Randy, nice to talk to you! I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I’ve had this feeling of emptiness in the past, so I totally understand how it is feeling that every day that passes is a day wasted, with zero satisfaction or fulfilment. At least from my past experience, while it may seem like our mothers get upset with us for not feeling well, it’s simply their way of “outing” the frustration for not really knowing how to help us. This is also what I gather from your mother answering you “Well wouldn’t going to work help you feel better?” - I feel like she does want you to be ok, and she doesn’t want you to simply isolate and end up feeling worst (hence her wanting you to go to work, which sometimes feels like she’s forcing you to do so). Have you considered talking to her about the possibility of going to see a professional, who can help both you (with the way you feel) and her (with learning ways to support you better)?

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