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Belongs to: What are you grieving? #nf
I’ve never been happy, and i don’t know who I’d be if i was happy
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Wow I’m hearing two parts of that. First, you can’t ever remember a time you were happy- not childhood not ever- not ever a moment that sparked joy. I have been in the pit of despair where everything is cast in a shadow of darkness and I can’t recount any moment it was lifted. We we are in the middle of an emotion, we encode our memories in the emotion we are experiencing currently. We can re-imagine the past by drawing up the memory with current stimuli at hand. Maybe this is what is happening for you. Either case, that darkness that envelops is a fearsome enemy to fight. It feels like a mysterious mist. Since you don’t remember the last time you were happy, you can’t recall any moment of joy at all to carry you through the darker days-- that makes you have less strength when it feels like there is only darkness. I am so sorry that you are experiencing that lack of joy. I am praying for you that you know you are not alone in that darkness and that you find a peace that passes understanding. There is a source of joy that overcomes circumstance, setting, or rationalization. If you seek joy you will find it. If you seek peace you will find it. I believe there are brighter days ahead for you!
On the second thought that you don’t know who you would be if you were happy, that is totally understandable. Being in the darkness it gets comfortable-- we make room with it. In days I couldn’t leave my house for days on end, it felt safe to hide away. I was scared of who I would be and I couldn’t imagine being any other way than utterly lost, depressed, and hopeless. You may not see who you would become if you had joy, but that is the beautiful part of the journey. Each day as you seek joy and peace you will also find little glimmers of the beautiful person you are-- just the darkness replaced for light. All the gifts and talents and abilities you already hold dusted off and shining in the light of joy and purpose. You are already a beautiful person and you don’t need to be happy to be beautiful, have purpose, or be worthy of love. Who you are in your healing will just unravel and release all of your existing qualities with greater brightness.
This journey of discovery will be a beautiful one. I believe that you will get there, step by step as you give love and grace for yourself along the way. I am praying that you have a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. May you be filled with peace as you walk along your journey. God bless you! <3
I’m sorry you feel as though you have never been happy. This feeling must be so overwhelming and discouraging. Finding happiness is like you’re climbing a mountain. You are taking each step as they come, and you’re nearing the top, but the air is getting thin so it’s hard to breathe, and your legs are sore, so each step you take hurts. There seems like there is no end in sight and the top is so far away. You think about giving up, or stopping your journey because the end result doesn’t seem worth it at the moment. But you have to keep climbing. Because when you reach the top, the relief you feel will be immense! That’s how it feels to go on the journey of happiness. Happiness is something you have to find, you have to fight for it, and that fight is so worth it. I hope you find that happiness and it washes over you. So keep climbing that mountain. You are seen, you are heard, and you are appreciated!