I’ve thought about my own Obituary (TW: suicidal ideation)

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I’ll be honest, I haven’t told anyone. Not even a close friend— but lately I’ve been at probably one of the lowest points in my life, and though I’ve never had an actual attempt, I’ve thought about just what people would say if I was no longer here. Even if it’s not by suicide.

I’d hope they’d pick one of my favorite selfies I’ve had as a profile picture. One I actually tried smiling in. One where I attempted to look happy. Since I’m so bad at it.

I’d hope they’d talk about my passion for art and animation, and not about the horrible other thing I unfortunately went into college for.

I’d hope they’d talk about my love for my dog, and my friends.

I’d hope they’d write nice things about me. The things I wished they’d say to me now, when I actually need it. I wish they’d say how I was funny and kind and helpful to others— things they never say to me.

I wish my family said they were proud of me.

I wish they said they cared.

Or that they loved me and meant it.

I feel if it wasn’t for my dog, maybe I would have done something and offed myself already. But then I’d leave the mess of all my things for my family to have to clean up. And then the mess of myself.

I’ve always told or shown others how proud I was of them, that I loved or cared about them— but it was never something reciprocated. Even my ex found some way to just push me out and bring someone else in instead. I wish I didn’t ruin so many friendships I did.

I’m nothing but a burden, and I know I’ll die that way someday. I’m never going to amount to much.

I just hope my obituary wouldn’t read that way.

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I am a suicide attempti and I can say it definitely doesn’t help

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Having done hospice work for years, I’ve found that it’s very common for family and friends to have very little to say about why they appreciate a person until it’s too late for them to hear it. That’s why it’s become a popular topic of dark comedy in which a person who is either thought to be dead or ghost, hears their own eulogy and wishes they’d have heard those things while they were still living.

Being “nothing but a burden” is impossible. Even if you’re 100% helpless, your need creates an opportunity for someone to fulfill it, thereby giving their life meaning. However, if you are walking and talking, making beds, doing dishes, even if not consistently, not to mention any kind of work you do, you are far from being “just a burden.”

Even when you are dying, you are instrumental in someone else’s fulfillment.

I don’t plan on having a funeral, but perhaps a memorial service later on. When it happens, I’m sure I’d like to hear good things said about me, but I’d especially enjoy hearing a lot of laughter, and no doubt, I have and will continue to provide a great deal of material to laugh about.

It might be worth thinking about how you define “much.” Less than 00000.1% of the people on this planet amount to much as it would be popularly defined. Be assured, every act of kindness, smile, act of forgiveness, and expression of self, changes the course of human history. Therefore, you are even more than “much.”

There is an essential truth in the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The often overlooked part of that movie is that even the cab driver, the cop and the bartender had pivotal roles that guided subsequent events.

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It really does feel that way. I never hear from my family that they’re proud of me or anything, always how they’re always proud of everyone else instead. And I don’t mean to shame anyone in my family they’re proud of when I say it, but I’ve done a lot more in my life already to be ‘more accomplished’ than they have. But it’s always what I do wrong that gets noticed.

It’s hard because I try so hard for people to see me do something good. And it never goes through. I feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts, and I want it to stop so bad. All I ever see now myself is my own mess ups in life, and I’m so tired of feeling every day that I’m just nothing but a failure.

I have thought about trying to just kill myself, and hope it doesn’t work. It sounds shitty, but I’m like “well maybe if there’s an attempt finally my family would see that hey somethings actually wrong here”, but I haven’t because I’m far too chicken shit that it might work and I’ll never see my friends or my dog again.

I’m so tired of being conscious all the time to just be around bad things in life. I can’t do anything right. I can’t even clean my room.

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Hey now, cleaning your room is like one of the hardest things to do for MANY folks! I would not use that as a measure of anything. Even someone with no present struggles might have a messy room, or things in random places.

Some families cannot share affection or praise. Some parents work so hard to “proide” and take care of expenses, that they ignore how important emotions are, or that they think they show it in unspoken ways - waking you up on mornings so that you will be early or on time for school or work. Cooking and then being made you don’t eat because they want you to be fed and healthy but can’t say it like that. They nag us to study and stop playing games/wasting time when they really want to say that they want us to have a brighter future, an easier life that they do.

But we cannot control what others do. So let me ask you:
Have YOU been saying these things to yourself? Do you look at your pictures and say “hey, i look nice in this one! Look how cute I am!”
Do you say, hey i’m a good dog owner/dog parent?
Do you praise yourself or acknowledge when you do something good or when you put in some effort?

Sometimes we need to hear a kind voice, to have someone see us, the real us. But sometimes, that person needs to be us ourselves who is good and kind. You sound like an amazing person, very loving and caring and thoughtful.
Are you able to say these nice things about yourself?

I’m glad you’re part of this community. We are better for having you here. You matter, and I hope you keep using these posts to share your thoughts and feelings with us. We care about you so much. Stay strong friend. :hrtlegolove:

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It’s unfortunate, but it very often happens that a person quietly manages their life well, and they receive very little acknowledgment for it. Instead, a family member who has problems, but sometimes performs well, get lots of praise. It was very much like that in my family. The family was so dysfunctional that I preferred to remain unnoticed.

Do good things for your own fulfillment, rather than to impress or please others. At school, it’s a different story because you need for the teachers to like what you do.

Clean your room because you want to be in a clean room. Realize that you deserve a decent and orderly environment. You have the power to make it so.

Your mind is stuck in a repeating loop of debilitating self defeating thoughts.

Consider the 4 questions asked by Byron Katie:

The Four Questions

Q1. Is it true?

Q2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Q3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

Q4. Who would you be without that thought?

There’s a lot more to her approach, including the “turn around” of asking, “what if the opposite is true?”

You might find some helpful stuff on her site: The Work of Byron Katie

When you look at a project that intimidates you, for example, rather than tell yourself “I’ve got a clean this big old mess,” ask yourself what small first step feels doable. For example, “can I put these two books back on the shelf?” Or “can I empty that wastebasket?” In other words, take it a little bit at a time. The same principle holds true for other things as well, even studying. It’s quite typical that taking the first step is the most difficult part of accomplishing a task.

To become functionally disabled, tell yourself you can’t do things. To enable and empower yourself, speak the truth, that you really can do things. I know this to be true, based on your words that you have already done more in your life to be “accomplished.”

Your life is just beginning. There will be opportunities to experience joy and fulfillment. In the future, your family’s approval will diminish in significance. Incredibly, at that point you are much more likely to receive it.

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