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I Wake Up With Hate

I hate who I am, how I am and the life that I have lived. Nothing is ever good enough. I do not focus on the small bits of positive but instead, I dwell on all of the negativity. No one wants to be around me but that’s because I’ve evolved into someone that no one wants to be around. I’m a pathetic, worthless, single 32 year old man that plays fucking Xbox all day and has no car, no licence, no job, no money, no goals and I’m going fucking nowhere.

What’s worse is that I hate the people and the world around me. I’m mad at my parents for raising a weak excuse of a man. I’m mad at being tossed in jail for years. And now I’m pissed that I’m halfway through my life and don’t know how to act properly or do things the way society does them. I’m unequipped and unmotivated.

I get to be miserable, while neighbors and acquaintances get to have happy little warm families on the holidays and own houses and cars and have social lives. There’s so much wrong in my life that I am frozen by the overwhelming thought of it all and I just appear to be sitting on my ass, while my world burns down around me. I am convinced that no one can do whatever needs to be done for me and that I’ll never move past this shitty state of existence that I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper into over the last decade.

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Hey man.
I see you are going trough a lot, try to relax, take some deep breaths. I know it’s hard, but you have to stop being so harsh on yourself. I would recommend you to work on your habits, like I know first hand how addictive video games are, but when I started to ocupy my time with other things, such as study, workout, meditating, listening podcast, educate myself more about mental health, I stopped playing mostly because I rather spend my time doing something else.

Then I would tell you to get a job, at least to earn enough to cover for your basics.

And last I invite you to spend more time with yourself, I dont mean isolate, but to give yourself time to think about you, and what you need to do love and accept yourself.

I really wish you the best, and I wish I could really do something for you. Me and this community will always be here for you.

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The one thing that helped me the most over my long life living with depression was the advice… fake it til you make it. Pretend to be what you want to be. Pretend to feel how ypu want to feel. Put on an act for yourself and others. Start slowly and try it for so many hours a day. Then increase the time faking it.
Eventually that acting becomes easier, then it comes more naturally easy, and before you know it you are feeling some relief while you are pretending. Maybe some of the acting becomes part of you. Then take it from there. Try out different ‘roles’ and some may stick.

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Hey @Brett1987, this all sounds very rough and I’m sorry that you have to go through it. But I just want you to know that you are worth love and happiness simply for being here and being who you are.

While we have experienced different circumstances in our lives, I understand what it feels like to harbor so much anger and resentment towards others for not having to suffer as I have through my own life experiences. While no one would blame you for feeling the way you feel, these feelings don’t have to dictate your reality. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past couple of years, it’s that being angry and hateful is a choice, as is continuing to sit and stew in those feelings.

When you say “I am convinced that no one can do whatever needs to be done for me”, yes that is true. No one else can, only you can. The people you choose to surround yourself with can provide you with advice, with encouragement, and with love through whatever missteps you may take in this life. But they can make decisions for you, and they can’t make you do anything.

I would like for you to give yourself some grace here. Nobody is perfect, so those in the world you see living “happy little warm lives” are also not perfect, and you don’t need to measure your life up to their standards. It’s so much easier to choose to hate and to be resentful than to love in spite of everything that brought you to this point, but I promise you the latter is so much more rewarding. In my experience, choosing the latter and challenging myself to view the world through a more loving lens actually makes me feel like the weight of the world is being lifted off my shoulders. I would challenge you to try and do the same, and of course it is easier said than done and it takes a lot of practice, but I promise you it is worth it.

I also don’t want you to downplay how equipped you are right now, you certainly don’t see it right now but I believe you have a good heart, and like most people I believe you just need to practice using it. I can see you have a channel on Mixer, that’s awesome! That is a platform you can use to practice just that. I started streaming on Twitch in early 2019, and while my channel is still relatively small I continue to be astonished at how I’ve used video games to create a small community of loving and supportive individuals. The tools are there for you, you just need to practice using them!

If you’re looking to develop new skills, I believe community college is a great way to get started in this. It’s very affordable and I’m certain most schools have a means of helping students with tuition. But community college is a great way to develop skills, explore interests, and definitely to meet new people! If that opportunity ever presents itself or you think you would be interested in that, I think that would be of tremendous benefit to you.

One more thing I wanted to share with you is HeartSupport’s resources page: https://heartsupport.com/resources/

Specifically, if you’re open to it I would consider taking advantage of the 7-day free trial for BetterHelp, which is an online counseling service. A lot of community members use this service and they highly recommend it. I think it would go a long way to help you figure out why you hold on to so much hate and anger, which would make it easier to let go of. Or maybe working on a plan to help you start making the changes you want to see in your life. I’m only listing this as a suggestion, only if you’re interested of course.

But I just wanted to reach out and let you know that in spite of whatever in your past that led you to this point, and regardless of how much hate you carry with you, that you’re still loved and that you are always worth love and happiness. You deserve it because you are here and you have breath in your lungs.

Hold fast man.

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Hello

You are worth fighting for and as long as you have breath, you are on this earth for a reason!!! Also, you are still young and you can still change your entire life around and you can re-invent yourself . Within this month make sure you get on a plan to get an education, for an example you can become an radiologist which takes earning a two year degree or search for other higher education programs, certifications, vocational jobs, or job in general , find a passion you love to do and stick with it. In order to find what is your calling start searching and trying things out. Also, within this month go get that driving permit ( if its reasonably possible for you). Everyday set important goals for yourself and try accomplish them, even if you start small, your starting somewhere. And its okay if you do not always accomplish them right away, I want you to have success and sometimes lack of motivation can be the problem. I personally am facing this right now, so setting these goals can help. Also, remembering your self worth can help with your motivation. You are not worthless and you are not pathetic!!! You wrote this message on here because you want to do better and you stated that you have no goals, but I see your goals written in your message! These are the goals you listed: car, license, job, and more money. Lets make 2020 a year of prosperity and start believing in yourself!
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I set goals, I make lists and resolutions and what’s inside if me is still there. Many of us here have given up and submitted to our fate. I don’t believe in myself and there’s no one around to support me. Nobody cares about me. My landlord wants money and I used to get rides to work…there are no other reasons why anyone would text or call me. I’m a waste of life. Society threw me away a long time ago, my body just hasn’t followed yet.

Hi, Brett.

I can certainly relate to that self hate. More often than not, I look in the mirror and do not like who I see looking back at myself. It’s been a challenge to find things and ways to combat those feelings and not overly dwell on those negative thoughts.

Something that is very hard to learn in life, I have found, is change of attitude. Attitude is everything. Yet it can be one of the hardest things to learn how to control, change and improve. You say you dwell on negativity. That right there is the key to how you are feeling. If we choose to constantly dwell on the negative, we are going to feel just like that. Negative. And that leads to feeling bitter, angry, sad, depression and escalating into a really bad place. Been there, done that.

You say, you hate the people around you. For years I was in that same place. I have a family that is hateful, spiteful, toxic and I was angry at the not only for being that way, for not being supportive but also for bringing me into this world. I was an accident. A child from a one night stand. I was angry at my parents for being so irresponsible then giving me a really abusive and neglected upbringing. For years I sat and stewed in that anger and bitterness.

You know? I later learned that they may have had a lot of control over me growing up, but as an adult they don’t have that control. We are our own people. I am my own person as are you. Who you choose to be moving forward is on you. Not them. It doesn’t mean it voids any hurt that they have put on you, but we can come above those things. This is currently my own challenge as well. Not allowing those around me destroy me.

A part of this process is:

  • 1.) Changing the kind of people you communicate with. Eliminating toxic, unhealthy and negative people.
  • 2.) Changing your attitude. Working on spending less energy on the bad things and trying to convert that energy into something else. Like setting goals that could help you move forward and get out of the funk you are in.
  • 3.) Setting goals. I ask a lot of people what they want out of life. What makes them happy. Ask yourself this. What is it that you need to do, to get to a better place than where you are now? And what small goals can you set for yourself that are reasonable and realistic to help you achieve that?
  • 4.) You say you are pissed that you were thrown in jail. Okay, what put you there? Working on making sure that doesnt happen again is a good thing to focus on. Let go of any habits or things that could lead you down that path. Easier said than done at times, I know.

People hurt us. Things in our life happens. Experiences, trauma. These things mold who we are. Sometimes it causes hiccups and challenges along the way. Sometimes these things cause fear, anxiety, worry, depression and stress and thats okay. Therapists are there to help us work through that.

But its important to know that we control our happiness. We cant give that control to someone else. We have to take ownership over that and choose to be less negative and dwell so much. We have to choose not to spend so much time being so angry and hateful towards the world. As we harbor those feelings the more we are going to stay stuck in feeling that way.

Move past that my friend. Let go of all of this anger. Find things that you can do to help you come out of all of that negative energy and try to work on helping yourself change your attitude and way of thinking. This is what I had to do. I still have a long ways to go. It takes time, but with effort it can be done.

Im sorry you are having such a hard time right now, friend. I truly hope it gets better. That you find a sense of inner peace. And the Strength to move forward and take the steps you need.

Much love

  • Kitty
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You’re not pathetic or worthless

I believe in you Brett, and I am sure there are others (you might have to find them)! I am writing these paragraphs to you because there is hope for you!!! Do not give up and I know times are hard right now! Society did not throw you away. I highly suggest you find a support therapy group or a therapist someone you can speak to about this because there are many people in this world with these same feelings and you can get help. You have so much life in you and I want you to realize this! Most importantly God does not think your a waste of space. Through him you can find peace and he can help you where you are weak! The Lord healed me of a 13 year addiction !! If he did it for me he surely will do it for you! His strength shows out in our weakness.
Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Continue to persevere, I hope today was a brighter day for you.

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