Hey @Brett1987, this all sounds very rough and I’m sorry that you have to go through it. But I just want you to know that you are worth love and happiness simply for being here and being who you are.
While we have experienced different circumstances in our lives, I understand what it feels like to harbor so much anger and resentment towards others for not having to suffer as I have through my own life experiences. While no one would blame you for feeling the way you feel, these feelings don’t have to dictate your reality. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past couple of years, it’s that being angry and hateful is a choice, as is continuing to sit and stew in those feelings.
When you say “I am convinced that no one can do whatever needs to be done for me”, yes that is true. No one else can, only you can. The people you choose to surround yourself with can provide you with advice, with encouragement, and with love through whatever missteps you may take in this life. But they can make decisions for you, and they can’t make you do anything.
I would like for you to give yourself some grace here. Nobody is perfect, so those in the world you see living “happy little warm lives” are also not perfect, and you don’t need to measure your life up to their standards. It’s so much easier to choose to hate and to be resentful than to love in spite of everything that brought you to this point, but I promise you the latter is so much more rewarding. In my experience, choosing the latter and challenging myself to view the world through a more loving lens actually makes me feel like the weight of the world is being lifted off my shoulders. I would challenge you to try and do the same, and of course it is easier said than done and it takes a lot of practice, but I promise you it is worth it.
I also don’t want you to downplay how equipped you are right now, you certainly don’t see it right now but I believe you have a good heart, and like most people I believe you just need to practice using it. I can see you have a channel on Mixer, that’s awesome! That is a platform you can use to practice just that. I started streaming on Twitch in early 2019, and while my channel is still relatively small I continue to be astonished at how I’ve used video games to create a small community of loving and supportive individuals. The tools are there for you, you just need to practice using them!
If you’re looking to develop new skills, I believe community college is a great way to get started in this. It’s very affordable and I’m certain most schools have a means of helping students with tuition. But community college is a great way to develop skills, explore interests, and definitely to meet new people! If that opportunity ever presents itself or you think you would be interested in that, I think that would be of tremendous benefit to you.
One more thing I wanted to share with you is HeartSupport’s resources page: https://heartsupport.com/resources/
Specifically, if you’re open to it I would consider taking advantage of the 7-day free trial for BetterHelp, which is an online counseling service. A lot of community members use this service and they highly recommend it. I think it would go a long way to help you figure out why you hold on to so much hate and anger, which would make it easier to let go of. Or maybe working on a plan to help you start making the changes you want to see in your life. I’m only listing this as a suggestion, only if you’re interested of course.
But I just wanted to reach out and let you know that in spite of whatever in your past that led you to this point, and regardless of how much hate you carry with you, that you’re still loved and that you are always worth love and happiness. You deserve it because you are here and you have breath in your lungs.
Hold fast man.