I wanna stop being okay

From xannyyie: i’m so afraid of being happy i don’t wanna be okay, i wanna be worse.
three days ago i wanted to || kill myself || but at the end i didn’t do it, only because the pills i have wouldn’t have been enough.
|| i wanna die so badly || it’s the only escape i have from this reality that scares me so much

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From eagertuna0: Hi there <@723278895926870046>, thank you for sharing with us. I’m glad that you’re safe and that you’re still in this world.

That fear of being happy makes sense and many people experience that for varied reasons, though it certainly isn’t fun because it has this double-whammy effect:

  • When we’re happy, it can make us feel bad (perhaps guilty?) about that
  • When we’re not doing well, it can make it feel endless and horrifying.

With that said, being scared of being happy certainly can look different than I described for different people.

With that said, I’d like to invite you to share more about what’s going on? You mention feeling like the reality you’re living is painful, so I’d like to hear more about that – what’s making life hard right now?

PS: You matter. If you’re worried that you may attempt to harm yourself (or others), please check out <#1064176014407761950> (international) or call 988 in the US. You can also always call for emergency services if you require assistance from them.

PPS: If I (or another responder) doesn’t get back to you within 24 hours of any reply you may send, please make a new post with the content of your reply. Sometimes it can be hard to see replies on Discord from where most people respond.

From lostgremlin: Heya <@723278895926870046>
<@427267683906617354> has some great points and I would definitely check out those resources that he has in the post. I would like to add to his post that it’s okay to feel good about being happy, unless the happiness comes at the expense of others. We all deserve to enjoy ourselves. Another reason we can be afraid of being happy because we’re afraid of losing it, losing the good times we have. I experience this too, but I know that what matters is that I had this good experience, and it will stay with me forever.

Your original plan may seem like the only escape, but there are plenty of alternatives that are less harmful by a great degree. It may be nice to set your mind free with more creative undertakings. I like to write to escape my thoughts, but screaming along to some heavy metal can be cathartic as well (when done safely).

While it may feel disappointing for you, I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you have chosen to stay, out of fear, out of circumstance, it doesn’t matter. Because only part of this reality is scary. It may be the part that you’re in right now, and that’s unfortunate, but know that it’s temporary.

Let me know if you need anything else.
Gremlin

Hey there, friend! :wave:t2::star2:

I can see by what you’ve told us that your going through a difficult time. The feelings you share seem to be intense and it takes a lot of strength to be open like you have. It’s understandable that you are afraid of happiness, especially when life is getting on top of you. However there are ways to push through the pain.

First of all, the best thing you can do is acknowledge your emotions and pain. But also give yourself permission to feel. You can do this by naming your emotions, taking time to pause and reflect and take notice of how it makes you feel physically. This will help take some of the pressure off your chest

You could also find small things to look forward to during the day. This will make a huge difference and could be anything from watching your favourite show, cooking your favourite meal or getting outdoors to spend time in nature. All of these things could provide you with comfort.

Please consider reaching out to professionals, friends or family who can provide you with the support you need

I hope this is helpful :purple_heart:

Hey @wannyyie, thank you so much for being here today and for choosing to reach out. It must have felt incredibly lonely for you to hit the point of wanting to hurt yourself. It’s part of those times when it just feels like there’s only one way forward… even though there’s many others that are hard to see at the moment. I’m proud of you for being here - even if it may feel bittersweet to you for now.

Happiness can surely feels like a distant dream, especially when it feels like we’re hitting rock bottom. It makes completely sense to be afraid of it – somehow, once you are happy, you also realize that you can lose this sense of joy and peace, and that’s freaking scary. Even if it seems like a paradox, it surely feels safer to stay in our pain sometimes. When we set ourselves to stay in our struggles, when we actively seek a darkness that feels familiar, at least we know where we are, and we have less to lose.

I would love to hear more about you, your story, what brought you here and to feel this way - if you are willing to share of course. You have worth in this world, my friend. You can get through this and feel like getting back on your feet, little by little. In this fear of happiness that you have, there is something absolutely worth pursuing: your growth, your healing, your peace. You are not condemned to be stuck in pain. Rest assure that we’re with you here, every step of the way. :heart:

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From xannyyie: the thing is i’m afraid of failing and that fear only keeps bringing me down and making me actually fail. i’m afraid that i will be better only to loose my happiness and be worse than before, so every time something good happens to me i will always self sabotage at some point