From marcy_or_something: I want nothing more than to pass as a girl, everything would be better. After all it’s only a bit of blood and a few stomach pains then I can pass.
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Hi there Marcy,
Thank you for sharing here. I recognize how challenge it can be when our biological identities may not match those we wish to present as. It sounds like you have a lot on your mind right now and I feel for you. If you’d like to share more about what’s on your mind or if there’s anything we can do for you, please don’t hesitate to share further.
-Tuna
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Hey, it seems like you’re going through quite a bit, and we are ready to listen and support you through and through. That being said, if you’re comfortable sharing (no pressure at all, if you don’t want to, you don’t need to) could you tell us a little bit more about the challenges you’re facing? We want to able to support you the best we can, and we think that we may need more insight so we can try to understand your specific situation better. Once again, no pressure to share, just trying to understand so we can support you in the best way possible 
- Medha
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Hello, it seems like you may be going through a bit of a tough time. If you are going through your period or puberty as a girl if (if not feel free to ignore this), if you need some advice I am pretty sure that your local library could have some books about it although you can also go to: All About Periods (for Teens) - Nemours KidsHealth I hope all goes well on your end.
- Bilaal
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From marcy_or_something: I struggle with an eating disorder, and i feel that’s the only way I can pass, I don’t want to be seen as a male, it’s the same reason I don’t want a haircut, as for the blood, that’s from me cutting.
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From marcy_or_something: Bleeding out doesn’t sound so bad, it’s easy, and I have access to it. It’s either that or I overdose, ibuprofen cetirizine, whatever I can find really. I was used, violated by someone on instagram, I trusted them and they fucked me over, they forced me to date them, and into a sexual RP. I blocked and reported them, one of my best friends made an awareness post abt it, but I feel shitty about it all, I feel that I’m in the wrong, but idk, I just want it to end.
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There are some truly horrible people in the world, but you are a good person. Whatever happened to you doesn’t change that fact. The shitty feeling will gradually diminish. You will still remain a good person who deserves good things.
I hope you find counseling to help you process what you’re going through. Don’t let one person’s shitty act keep you from sharing a lifetime of love with others.
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From marcy_or_something: On one hand I don’t want to die, I want to live long enough to transition, but on the other hand everything seems bleak, one good thing happens, and 12 bad things happen,I’m most likely gonna die before I’m 18, either murdered, or suicide because i dare to not want to be male in my state. It seems like the happier way out, to take pills in random amounts to overdose, that would be a less heartbreaking way to die, I mean my uncle died of an OD, and my late aunt had a drug addiction so it would fit.
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I’m sorry that life is so bleak to you. It’s true that a lot of bad things happen. The media realizes that bad news sells, so they do very little reporting of good news. It’s a human characteristic to dwell on disappointments or negative events while paying very little attention to the good things or even the absence of bad things. So very often, people ignore pleasant weather, decent health, having enough to eat, small treats, kind gestures, and so on.
Countless generations of people have had to hide their sexual or gender orientation, until they could find a place where they could be themselves. It’s really sad, and I hope that ultimately understanding and compassion will prevail.
Dying of an overdose is every bit as heartbreaking as other unnecessary and untimely deaths. I am speaking out of experience.
Please don’t use a tragic and permanent solution to deal with a very temporary problem. If many of the good people such as you are gone, the lives of those who remain will be more difficult and painful.
From marcy_or_something: The intrusive thoughts are getting louder, and need them to stop. I made all of my friends uncomfortable and cry because I expressed them. The thoughts tell me to smoke again, to cut again, to get back together with my abuser. And these are persistent thoughts that won’t stop no matter where I am or what time it is.
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From wolfter_: Hello,
It may feel like being trapped in a deep, dark hole. It isn’t easy, even more difficult when you’re trying to get out.
Full of disturbing thoughts but no matter how deep you’re inside the darkness.
There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Try to think positively whenever those thoughts come around. You can’t stop them immediately, it’s actually a slow process.
Have some hope.
- Wolfter
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I’m sorry that your friends felt uncomfortalbe, Marcy. You know, it’s absolutely not your fault if they reacted that way. It doesn’t mean that you would be wrong or that you should be ashamed for how you feel. It’s just that your friends may not not equipped to (1) listen and (2) understand what you are going through. Unfortunately, sometimes even the people the closest to us don’t have the keys really to connect to how we feel and be a supportive presence.
What you did though, by sharing, opening up, being your vulnerable self, was the right thing to do. It is okay to express yourself and share your voice, especially when you are struggling and are in need of support.
These thoughts that you have are, as you said so very well, intrusive. It’s not something you choose, it’s not something that would define you, and it’s not something that you need to respond to. These thoughts are there because you are in pain right now, and your mind is trying to find its way in the middle of it. It’s leaning towards what is familiar, but not what is safe. You absolutely deserve to remain safe, and to keep making healthy decisions for yourself. Away from the smoking, the cutting, and away from your abuser. These thoughts are thoughts - and it’s okay to see them, acknowledge them, as well as to reminding yourself that you are in control. You get to decide what you do or not - these thoughts hold no power over it. Sometimes it helps to journal these thoughts, just to create some distance between them and us. You will get through this, friend. We’re in this with you.
From marcy_or_something: I want to get back together with my abuser, I felt like they cared about me, loved me, even though they groomed me
It makes sense to feel that way, Marcy. When we feel attached in some way to our abuser, we are willing to push aside all of their bad sides and wrongdoings. We crave for this affection that they seem to give at times. Unfortunately the affection they provide is conditional and unhealthy. It’s only given if we respond to their needs, and that’s not how love should be. The love they provide is not love. Someone who loves you unconditionally would never even think about hurting you, even less grooming you. What they did was to use your emotions and need for affection in order to get what they wanted. I can assure you that being cared for, being loved, is not something that should hurt. As you named them well: they were abusing you, which is at the opposite of love. You deserve so much better, friend. Never to be hurt, manipulated or abused.
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From marcy_or_something: I want to take a blade and carve my 3 best friends’ names into my chest, as a permanent reminder of those I’ve burdened. I want them to hurt me, wrong me, make me feel like nothing, because of what I have caused them.
Hey Marcy. That would be a lot of hurt inflicted on your body, while it sounds like you are already punishing yourself enough in your mind.
May I ask what happened with these friends? What makes you feel like you’d be a horrible person?
From marcy_or_something: I feel like I’m constantly burdening them, even though they claim it’s fine; it’s not. They don’t hate me but still.
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From marcy_or_something: Both of my parents verbally abuse me. My mother yelled at third grade me because my brother didn’t do the dishes the night before. I started crying and she screamed at me to stop throwing a “bitch fit” then proceeded to tell me that if my brother decided to commit suicide it would be my fault because I told on him for making my life a living hell. My father is even louder, and way more verbally abusive despite being a psychologist, screaming at me for something my niece did, he would scream at my siblings as well but with politics. He constantly talks about conspiracy theories and how “Boston children’s hospital is kidnapping children” or “the vax gives reproductive issues” and of course hes “independent” which actually means he’s republican but doesn’t want people to realize. Yet most realize. My mother used to just yell at me for whatever, if I didn’t get up exactly when I wanted she would slam drawers, scream at me, and break the dryer and then say it was my fault. I sure do love my parents
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From marcy_or_something: It’s all getting worse and it’s my fault. I want it to end but until then it’s just some blood and scars.
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