Today during a Twitch stream (not a Heart Support one), a friend was leaving, but didn’t reply to my goodbye message. They did to other people’s goodbyes though and after I recognized that my abandonment issues were triggered, I tried really hard to remember they didn’t reply to everyone who said goodbye. They don’t have to reply to everyone etc… and this type of coping (I learned in therapy) went on for a while.
On the outside that looks like progress, doesn’t it? I didn’t DM this person for validation that our friendship was ok. There were no desperate attempts to make sure this person didn’t hate me. I didn’t say anything about it to them at all.
But…internally, I suffered and the strong emotions I felt were overwhelming.
I still go thru all the intrusive thoughts this type of thing brings about how everyone hates me. How I’m just a bother and an annoyance to everyone. I still have to fight my impulsive thoughts and even tho I may seem ok on the outside, I’m a raging storm on the inside.
BPD isn’t curable, Schizophrenia isn’t curable and major depression comes and goes when it wants to. I’m so tired of suffering thru voices even when they are just mumbling. The textile hallucinations are really annoying and very unnerving. Being touched by nothing or voices telling me they are moving my organs and actually feeling that happen is just too much… I just want peace. I’m tired of being tired.
I feel like my coping skills are designed so YOU don’t get hurt or bombarded with my insecurities. I know I have close friends that care enough to listen (I appreciate you) and I do talk to them about things, but most of the time I suffer in silence so I don’t push them away. This has happened in the past when I just become too much for people and they distance themselves. So, I’m consciously trying really hard to respect boundaries.
I feel like I’m just complaining and I’m so sorry…
I don’t know what I need here, I’m just really frustrated that I have to suffer like this. I want to feel peace, not chaos.
I want you to feel that way as well. Maybe I have a unique pathology in that I adapted to abandonment early in life. The only thing I didn’t feel abandoned by were my pets. I also became extremely unwilling to abandon others. I think my pets set an example for me. This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I’ve lost a lot of people over the years, yet still care about them, and that caring makes it feel like a connection still exists.
Regarding your friend who was leaving the Discord group, I think there was a very good chance she/he was emotionally out of sorts, and not well focused on who she/he was answering or missing.
There’s a measure of truth to that, especially if your therapist is aligned with behavioral psychology. The truth is, that part of your coping is necessary. Yet I feel bad that you are holding things inside and suffering. If you think it might help, we can chat in Discord for a bit. DM me if you want to talk. I’m usually online between ten pm and 2 am Eastern time. It may also help if you do some journaling. That’s one way to “let it all out,” then decide whether or not you want to share it with anyone.
Do you and your therapist feel that your symptoms are managed as well as they can be? Sometimes that needs to be re-assessed.
You’ve been very supportive of others here, and I know it’s appreciated. Know that I and many others here care for you.
I would love to talk to you later about this, I just wanted to add a couple of words here now though first.
I am so proud of how much you have accompished since we met, how much you have gone out of your way to learn about how your mental health not only affects you but how it affects others and how by catching yourself in the moment it can prevent reactions that you may not be able to repair down the line. That of course is it all put into a very small sentence but its massive what you have done so I get why you are annoyed, you have worked so bloody hard so why are you still having to have these feelings? the only people that seem to be benefiting from it are the people you are not reacting to? that really doesnt seem fair at all does it?
But is that true?
lets look at this a slightly different way for a moment, had you reacted to the person and it had caused a problem, that would cause a slight dent, then the next time there would be a larger dent, then a crack, then a big arse hole would start to appear because by then you both would be so frustrated by it all. So then you have you with all your intrusive thoughts and noise, your friend annoyed, not understanding and fed up and a friendship on the brink of ending possibly?
So allthough it may seem like its just for others and yes it does look like that i admit, it is to help others to understand you more but it is FOR YOU and I for one and so glad that you are on this path because I see the change in you, i see the peace that you DO have that you didnt have. I dont know if you will ever fully have peace my friend but its a lot more peaceful I believe than it was. So please keep doing what you have been doing, and do it for you, not for anyone else, because you owe it to yourself and you deserve it.
I love you Rosie xxx (sorry my couple of words turned into a lecture oops) xx
@Wings Thank you. I get what you mean about animals. I read somewhere a while back that people with BPD are usually animal lovers because animals don’t hurt or abandon you. It’s true, but I know I have people in my life that won’t do that now.
I do journaling but not consistently and I know I should. I’ve been journaling since high school, so I have a bunch of filled journaling books. I have a digital diary app now on my PC that I use and the other day I had to go back to find a date for something and I realized that I need to write more. There were months without any entries and months where every day I wrote. I guess I go to journaling when things aren’t going well and I should when things are ok too. So, yes I will try to journal more.
Thank you very much for this, it’s very lonely at night.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You’ve always been very supportive and I appreciate the fact that you are so patient with me. It makes a huge difference when your friends know your diagnosis and care enough to actually learn about it so they can understand you better. Until I found Heart Support, I’ve never had friends that gave a crap about my mental health.
I understand what you mean about how letting myself “react” to situations without using my coping skills would chip away at my friendships. That’s how things used to be with me, so I guess I have made some progress and my coping skills are helping me too. It’s just defeating when I have to fight so freaking hard to keep my shit together on the outside and still have to suffer internally.
