Ok, so before I begin, some backstory. I am a straight, black, 27 year old man who has never had a friend. This is do to my father being in the navy and my family moving everywhere, so I never had a stable childhood. I will also like to add that I’ve been bullied due to the way I walk, talk, act, and my hobbies are by other people, saying that I’m “not black enough”. This has cause me to condemn the entire black community for their treatment of me, insane I know. Due to this, I have used video games as a way to, I guess, cope with my situation, so far as to believe that video games ARE my friend. Lastly, and I despise myself for even to have to say this due to the stigma and hatred this word contains but I cant think of any other descriptor, I am an High functioning “incel”.
That last part was the hardest thing to write, cause it says, to me, that I’m not capable of loving someone, yet I am but no one sees it, and I dont know how to fix that.
So that’s who I am. I’m writing this today cause I just had a discussion basically told me I crave validation. And not just from everyone, I want people who are popular to validate me. Even then, I don’t want movie stars to tell me I exist, I want the people who I follow on Twitter to tell me I exist. The reason why is cause the people I follow are kind, loving people, the kind of people I wanted to have as friends but was “denied” in a way. Some of them are even how I envision my future wife would be. Them telling me I exist, to Acknowledge me, will tell me I am good enough, cause how I am now, I am completely worthless next to them. I want to stop this, but I dont know how. Being this lonely is painful, not to mention that I am extremely sexual frustrated with myself, to the point where if I see any attractive person, my anger is start to boil. Please, I want to stop this cause this pain is almost unbearable.